Published February 16, 2009
Sometimes, it’s so quick. Sometimes, I have to be there in a flash, with no time to think about it. I have to go and collect them or they’ll get lost and have nowhere to go, and that would just be horrible. Of course, there are those that see me as horrible-as a monster, a fiend…. and so many of those stupid movies…a man in a black cloak with a scythe…. yeah, that’s me. Yeah right.
Actually, I’m a woman, with long red hair and brown eyes, and I wear whatever I want, and I certainly don’t have a scythe. What a silly idea! Where on earth did they get that one from? Not to mention the image of a rotten skeleton! They just get funnier.
Well, it’s not to say that I don’t feel bad sometimes, but it’s the natural cycle, and I’m kind to everyone. This time, this night, was one of the harder ones. It was a seventeen-year-old boy, called Lukas, and he had taken an overdose. He didn’t feel much pain-he’d been unconscious for most if it. I stood in his bedroom where he had just been found. A woman, his mother, was sobbing…well, this would be hard. I thought that this would be a horrible case-I mean, a young boy. What happened shocked me to the core.
He came toward me, looking surprisingly relaxed. He caught on quickly that I was…well, that I was me.
‘Hey, Lukas…’ I started.
‘So, you really exist then? And you’re not some idiotic looking thing with your big sharp thing?’ he replied.
I couldn’t help but laugh.
‘I really don’t remember anyone catching on that quick, and…well…you’re dead…aren’t you, like, sad?’
‘Meh…. I was on my way out. A bloody junkie! I was unhappy, anyway.’
‘What? You’re seventeen! You had your whole life to go! How can you say that?’
‘Well…. it’s kinda late to start thinking about that now, isn’t it?’
He made me think of another case many years ago, when it had been a young girl that I had to collect, and she was unhappy with her life…she had taken her own life. I really hate when that happens. I mean, such a lovely girl…hanging herself. It’s just the most horrible thing. I had convinced her that she had a good life, and she was well loved. She got the chance to go back, if she did a mission that I gave to her. She had to go and work with a little girl who was desperately unhappy. She had to give her a friend, a reason to keep going. And she did. It’s a complicated system, and it doesn’t work all the time.
It might work now, though, if I can convince Lukas to go back…
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
i really like the plot! of course you should keep going,lol, i think this could be something thats not only a great read but shows what people miss out on in life when they're too busy focusing on themselves. its great really, keep going. I want to see more of where you go with this:).
To answer the question asked in the title, yes, you should continue this idea. Flesh out the story as much as you can in your head or on paper or whatever, and go for it. I would recommend rewriting the beginning, though. This isn't bad, but it could be improved.
The little things have already been looked over by PippieDooda, so there's not much for me to contribute there. For large scale advice, perhaps you could work on the development more, slow down the pace a bit, because this seems a bit scrunched. Here's a rule I follow religiously, mostly due to my laziness: Write it as perfectly as possible the first time. Even if it's good, a rewrite may still be necessary. Write it perfectly the first time, and you can move on with a firm base to work off of.
I hope I've helped. Ciao!
Amazing! I love it! Keep writing, its amazing! some gramatical errors really ticked me off, but those can be easily fixed! I liked how you made Death someone people wouldn't expect her to be. Red hair, brown eyes... Ooh, kind of reminds me of Pain from Death's Return.....
Keep writing! Its good!
You can totally make something out of this. Lukas remind me of someone in one of my stories, but that person was alive. So anyways, you can make something out of this and you should continue it definitely.
Oooooh I am really liking this idea!! I really think you should continue, its a very interesting concept to base a story on and I would love to read it
I don't think repeating 'sometimes' is that effective here- I'd change the first sentence to something like 'It can be so quick'.
I don't think you need the 'as horrible' in here, in my opinion it would work better without it
The first sentence to me goes on a little bit too long, I'd seperate it out into two with a fullstop after eyes and missing out the and after it. I think 'they just get funnier' could be replaced with something better like 'Peoples perception of me just keeps getting further and further from the truth' or 'Peoples theories just get more and more funny.'
This sentence sounds a bit clumsy, I'd break it up and change it a bit so its more effective. Something like 'He made me think of another case, many years ago when I had to collect a young girl. She'd commited suicide.' could be better as it seems a little more dramatic with the short sentence at the end.
I love the way you end- this is a great beginning to a story! PM me if you write more