Published January 3, 2009
It is dark tonight. The sky stands over me, protectively, with a thousand stars like twinkling fairies smiling down upon me, watching over me. The air is sweet, the scent of mid summer.
I held his hand in mine, he kissed my hair. 'I love you.' he whispered to me.
'Stay with me. Stay with me forever.' I whispered back.
'Of course.'
His lips brushed mine, and I felt like a jolt of electric had passed through me. Such a pleasant, energetic feeling.
That was so long ago. A lifetime ago, it seems. Tonight, the sky, once my protectress, mocks me with her endlessness. The air is suffocating, the sweetness melodramatic, bittersweeet, no longer holding the beauty of before.
I hold his hand in mine. 'Do't go. Please don't. Don't ruin our dream.' I say, my voice thick with emotion, on the verge of breaking.
'I am sorry, my love. I love you. I will always love you. I will be back. You know I will.'
A solitary tear fell from my eye, and he brushed it away with his hand. His fingers were like that of a pianist. He always loved music-he played the piano, so beautifully, so amazingly.
'I must go and fight, the country are sending me, but I shall return.'
We share one final kiss. Just one. Then my love is stolen from me, taken to do awful deeds. The tears fall from my eyes now. I give one little gulp, blow my Claude a kiss, as I watch his boat sail away. Further and further away, until it is merely a speck on the great horizon.
The light is bright today-so bright. I stand, looking out over the sea. I hear voices-the voices of children.
'Hey, I dare you to go up there! Go on!'
'No way! My sister swears she saw a ghost woman standing up there-scary biccies!'
'Whimp!'
'Right then, you go!'
'No way!'
'Well then!'
I wish they would go away, really. they are so loud. I just want peace and quite to wait for my Claude. He will be back. He promised.
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141,408 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
It was sad and made my eyes fall. But it lacked something to be called 'tragic love', in my opinion. Maybe it needs a little more dialect and passion formed between the two lovers before they are torn apart by war. But other then that and the point made by ones who have commented on it already, it did have that tragic flavor I absolutely relish in writing.
Hey hi! New members! *squee*
Okie dokie, first, your title. Please change it to something else. As is, it really does nothing for you. It isn't really even a title, more of a description of your story. There is room for that when you are posting a story and it goes below the title. So please, please edit this. Anything except "untitled" would be acceptable.
I like the idea of this story. I do agree with Sakura that divisions are sorely needed, as I didn't understand exactly what was up with the kids and the "ghost woman" until I reread it a few times and realized what was going on.
Nice flash fiction though. This was short, yet sweet. With divisions to make it clear what is flashback and what is not, it would become much more powerful as the reader could work out what was going on much faster. But it was very sweet and sad.
Keep on writing and welcome to YWS!
~GryphonFledgling
Hey, welcome to YWS. This is really good for one of your first pieces, if I might say. Jusst to be clear bold is a correction, italics is something I will comment on, and [s]strikethrough[/s] is what it is.
Changed "electric" to "electricity".
Wow. I've, er, never heard that word before, though it makes sense. If you're sure it's a word, then great word choice!
Added and n in "don't" and a comma instead of a period after "dream." Watch that; you seem to do it a lot.
Should it be "The country [i]is sending me"? Because it doesn't make sense in its present state.
How do her tears fall? Like a waterfall? Like a gentle drip? Tears are the best things to describe (other than candy shops.
*How does she gulp? Quietly? Difficultly?
**It's a boat, so it's sailing on the ocean. Describe the ocean. Swelling, roaring, pitching, tossing, groaning, crying. The possibilities are endless.
"So bright" isn't good enough. Is it painful? Is it celestial? Is it shocking white or and off-yellow?
*We are in no doubt of it. So you don't need "really".
OVERALL: Ooh, I like this. In what time is it set? I'm guessing it's a war romance, right? It's very good, but watch your descriptions. Some of them are very shallow, not at all original or moving. When you write, look for things you can describe as something no one else has seen it as before.
Good work and keep it up.
~Sunny
Hi, and welcome to YWS. As Sakura was saying before, you need to make sure you do two reviews before you post anything of your own. That and many other rules you can see here.
Now Sakura also took care of a lot of the typos and mistakes, but here are some things that caught my eye.
This happened throughout your whole piece. You put a period where there should of been a comma. That line should look like this:
'Stay with me. Stay with me forever,' I whispered back.
You did that all through the piece. You need to make sure you know whether to use a comma or a peirod. If you don't, you can PM me and I'll help.
That line bothers me. It makes no sense in the way that it is written. Maybe take out both commas and add an and in between gulp and blow
Now on to the actual story. I didn't understand the purpose of this piece. Is he a Marine? The only thing I understood was that the girl didn't want Claude to leave and that she loved him very much.
Is there more purpose to this? Are you going to write more? Maybe clearing up some of the confusion would help.
Hope I helped. Remember, you can PM me if you have any questions. ^_^
Hi, Indigo! Welcome to YWS! It's a great place to get critique for your writing, so you should return the favor! Before you post your own work, you should have two reviews of other's work.
Thanks!
Now onto your own piece:
Are parts of this chapter meant to be flashbacks? Because whenever you mention the sky, you go into present tense. The rest is past tense.
Whenever you are moving from flashback to present, make it clear for the reader.
Perhaps you could use a line break:
flashback
------------------------
story
------------------------
flashback
Just make it clearer, please!
I think you meant "jolt of electricity".
This description of a touch between lovers is also a bit cliche.
Two things here.
-protectress is not a word. We live in a patriarchal society, sorry! The word is protector.
-how is enlessnesss mocking?
I'm sure this was a typo. Two e's, not three.
I think you meant "don't".
Honestly, do you know anyone who would say that? That line makes your piece seem a bit corny. Unless you're trying to write a Harlequin. ^_^
Once again, the way you switch up your tenses is confusing.
Change are to is.
I have no idea what that means.
Capitalize they. Change quite to quiet.
Hope this helped,
Sakura