Losing myself

Kind of boring and same old, same old. Try thinking of some new concepts!

Patrick >> not the place to talk about Brad's critiques, okay? If you have a problem PM a moderator or admin about it. In this thread it isn't needed.

Incandescence wrote:in_too_deep,


The best thing about this is its length. If it were shortened by an additional eleven lines, it would be even better.

Frankly, this is junk, and every line makes it increasingly moreso. It is formulaic self-flagellation that comes across as being whiney at best and complete bushwa at worst.

My advice is to try creating something new instead of trying to save this.


Good luck,
Brad

Unfortunately, I have to agree with Brad on this one. On some points, anyway.

It's a nice thought. Really, it is. But guess what...everyone has this thought. It's boring, it's plain. Be original. Also, I have to say you have some rhythm issues. If you read it outloud....there is nothing. No rhythm at all. It's just kind of...there. Like you were thinking about stuff in your head and you wrote it down straight from there without revising it or connecting it or even reading it to yourself first.

I do like though....that it seems like the poem is about fighting yourself against yourself--if that makes any sense at all--but in the end you are like "loosing myself in you"...so you realize it isn't completely self-involved, which is what our society really is anymore. So I definitely like the turn!!

welcome to YWS... don't be upest by the critiques... they are here to tell you the truth etc.
I don't think this was a bad attempt... in fact some of the emotions in your piece can be related to people.....
there are slight punctuation errors so check them out and try to widen your imagery. Other than that, keep up the good work. xxx lexy xxx

Hush, Brad, remember what we've told you about using your claws on newbies! You might scare them all away! Dont mind him, in_too_deep, he is a great poet but he is lacking a certain something in tact. Ahem.

Anyway, having said that, I'm afraid I have to agree when he says that this poem is formulaic, and with GibsonGirl when she sas its cliche. I've seen the same sort of thing (OK, almost word for word) turned out by nearly every new poet who has come here, and it does get kind of stale.

However! Dont screw up your paper and break your pen just yet, because it's not the end of the world. There's nothing new under the sun, and all that. The trick is to give it your own personal spin - add something which makes the poem uniquely yours. At this point, it sounds a bit like you've read a lot of the same thing and/or you think that's what poetry is supposed to be about, how it's supposed to sound. Screw that! The great thing about poetry is that it doesnt "have to be" anything. Well, OK, it has to be coherent and so forth, but you know what I mean. Poetry isnt about following what others have done before but about expressing your true self through words.

So my suggestion to you would be to rewrite this poem entirely, but this time relating it to you, and how you really feel. I know on the surface it may seem that this does express your true feelings (assuming its about you at all), but look deeper. Try to find different ways of saying the same thing. That doesnt mean more complicated ways (like saying "bushwa" when you mean "rubbish" - and yes, I had to look that up). On the contrary, the simpler the better. I've seen too many new writers attempt to get "better" by obfuscating (hehe - "confusing or obscuring") their meaning with long words. The point is not to make your reader rush for the dictionary but to make your words powerful. At the moment, they're so worn that they've lost their sting. Find some words with pizzazz! Words with the powah! Words with the voodoo that youdoo! Words...OK I think you get the idea. Next time, I want to be hit in the face with your emotions - I want to BE there with you, OK? 'Coz that's what writing is all about

PS: Welcome to YWS!

in_too_deep,


The best thing about this is its length. If it were shortened by an additional eleven lines, it would be even better.

Frankly, this is junk, and every line makes it increasingly moreso. It is formulaic self-flagellation that comes across as being whiney at best and complete bushwa at worst.

My advice is to try creating something new instead of trying to save this.


Good luck,
Brad

I really liked this one. All I saw was some punctuation errors. In the last line you don't need the dash. I think in this one the repeating was necessary. I can't wait to read more.

you did help, thanks for the advice i'll work on it

Some lines here are pretty good, but mostly there's nothing that hasn't already been said by countless other poets.

I'm falling,falling into the dark