in_too_deep wrote:In the black of the night,
nervously she slept,
waiting for the Devil to come.
when he finally came,
they danced into the dark
knowing they would never return.
He would consume her soul,
invade her thoughts,forever trying to blacken her heart.
She would set him free,
[i]bathe him in her forgivness,
and teach him how to love.[/i]
[color=blue]In the black of the night,
the Devil nervously waits,
for his sins to snap him out of this phase
When they finally came,
they crept into his mind,
and turned him back to his old ways.
Now the devil dreams,
of the girl he danced with,
to come back for him once more.
But she never did
For he was a monster
more evil and empty than he was before[/color].
Ok. I liked this overall.
The things I have underlined are the things I'm not keen on.
How did she wait while she was nervously sleeping? That image didn't work for me???
Why would they dance if they knew that they would never return... and hang on a minute but they did return didn't they otherwise you wouldn't have been able to write a 2nd stanza!!
K, that was a little confusing.
The things in italics are the bits I really liked and they really worked for me
the word "turned" that I have underlined kind of.... dunno... doesn't make me feel that its the Devil we're talking about. Maybe change it for a more powerful word? Like he "metamorphersised" into his original self???
Only a thought.
And finally....
I think the ending sounded rushed.
Hope this has hepled.. lexy xxxx
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Reviews: 171
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