Ciggarette smoke fills my lungs faster than air does.
Puddles of liquor and mud from boots stains the cream coloured carpet.
A man I’ve never met before enters and calls my mother by name.
A man I’ve never met before sits on our couch and whispers something into my mother’s ear.
A joke, it must’ve been, because Mum laughed and she doesn’t do that often. Not for me, not for any of my three younger sisters. Definitely not for Dad.
His eyes find mine as mum nuzzles into his neck, giving me a look so disgusting I freeze. Suddenly I feel undressed, though I’m wearing my hoodie and jeans. He grins wider.
My stomach’s churning, so I reach for my drink but Mum smacks my hand away before the glittering red liquid touches my lips and finds my jeans instead.
“That’s mine.” She says so coldly that my eyes begin to water.
I’m about to start shouting again, until I see that strange look in her eyes again. A look hard to describe, somehow desperate. I should feel sorry for her, I should pull her away from the stranger, tell her I love her. But right now all I feel disgust.
I shake her hand off me, it hurts us both but I refuse to show it. She leans into the stranger for comfort, which he’s more than eager to provide.
He offers her something in his pocket. For a second I think it’s a ring, but it’s a pipe. My mum smiles in a daze like he’d given her the world, his answering smile is that of a cat with a mouse in it’s mits.
I’m out of the room before he tells my mum she’s beautiful. I shut my bedroom door and almost laugh, thinking it’s the one lie he’s told that could’ve been true.Points:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Wow. This is really good, and there are a couple of errors. I'll just say them really quickly: you misspelled cigarette, now I have to make sure I don't misspell it, and if you meant of didn't mean to not have the random line change. This really excites me. You described the scene really well, with the smoking, and drugs. Please submit more!
Hi there! I’m Gsp, and I’ll be reviewing you today!
I’ll start with any criticism I may have, then say what I liked, and then give you an all-in-all. So let’s jump right in shall we?
Cigarette is misspelled here.
The wording here is a tiny bit confusing. Specifically the part about the bootstains.
You're missing a line break here.
And... that's everything bad. So, on to the things I liked in particular.
This is a very nice opening. It's attention-grabbing and does a great job of describing the atmosphere. Very impressive for one sentence.
Ick. Creep. This part in particular really catches my eye. It's very well written and flows very well.
Very good line to end on.
All-in-all this is a really moving, emotional piece. It's vague enough that the reader can fill in the blanks and come up with their own, unique image of how things go, but descriptive enough that you still get emotional reactions to what's going on. I'm very impressed; that's a difficult balance to find and you captured it perfectly.
Keep on writing!
~Gsp
Wow. This is very good, and from what I can see there are no significant hiccups in your writing. Its pretty consistent, though I would have loved for this to be lengthier. Maybe add details of the man or the mother in a 'negative' way, like how you described the boots dirtying the carpet.
.
The only problem was really your spacing, because I noticed that roughly in the middle it wasn't double-spaced there. And right here-
"Puddles of liquor and mud from boots stains the cream coloured carpet."
It wouldn't be 'boots stains' but 'boot stains'. Besides that everything else is really good. Keep up the AWESOME writing