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Nearly Departed

by imyourdensity


(Verse 1)

I am all the reasons
your Father
paces.
I am all the reasons
for your heart
racing.
I am everything your
mother warned you
from.
But isn't that the reason
you've come
to me?

They all close their curtains,
and whisper
of me.
I'm always invited
to your dark
daydreams.
If you ever visit
where I am
from,
make sure you have the
stamina
to run
and run.

(bridge)

These
times
are
such a bore.
I need 
a little
blood..

and just 
a little
more
more

more

(Chorus)

Nearly departed
I've gathered you here
in celebration
of your true rulers.
Let us give thanks
to the crops you grow
for giving you meat
on your bones.

Nearly Departed
you are so fair.
Trembling softly
your temples bare.
There's fear in you eyes
but your not crying
and your not screaming
yet...


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User avatar
275 Reviews


Points: 16677
Reviews: 275

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Sun Nov 26, 2017 1:08 am
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rosette wrote a review...



Hello there, imyourdensity, and Happy Review Day!

I hope I'm not getting in too much over my head in reviewing this because I have no idea who Nicole Dollanganger is, but that aside, I do have a few other comments. I'm wondering why you only posted half the song? Maybe you didn't finish it, but I'd like to see the rest of it. This ended on an awkward note, and I went, "Noooo - where's the rest?!" xD

One thing I'm not too sure on is who the speaker is. Like, exactly who is talking here? You don't say who, but you do show us just what kind of person this is! Which is great. Sounds like a bad guy here.

I thought verse one was by far the best, but I am wondering why the bridge immediately follows it, then you end with the chorus...? Usually it's the other way around.
The bridge threw me off my groove a bit. It was so short and choppy. Then we went to the chorus and it was all long and full, and story-tellish. I don't think I understand what's going on. We began with a description of this villain, if I may use that word - I am what makes your father pace, your mother warned me of you, I need blood. Yet the chorus suddenly seems to be telling this story and frankly, I'm confused. I don't see how this relates. But as I said previously, that may be due to me being clueless the topic you're writing after.

Overall, I thought this was incomplete (:P) and vague, but it certainly has some potential, and man - I love how this began.
Hopefully this review wasn't too harsh.
I'll be on my way now! Goooo Cranberries!

~rosette <3




User avatar
364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

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Fri Nov 17, 2017 6:06 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello imyourdensity! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at lyrics but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
(Verse 1)

I am all the reasons
your father
paces.
I am all the reasons
for your heart
racing.
I am everything your
mother warned you
from.
But isn't that the reason
you've come
to me?

They all close their curtains,
and whisper
of me.
I'm always invited
to your dark
daydreams.
If you ever visit
where I am
from,
make sure you have the
stamina
to run
and run.

(bridge)

These
times
are
such a bore.
I need
a little
blood..

and just
a little
more
more
more

(Chorus)

Nearly departed
I've gathered you here
in celebration
of your true rulers.
Let us give thanks
to the crops you grow
for giving you meat
on your bones.

Nearly {d}eparted
you are so fair.
Trembling softly
your temples bare.
There's fear in you eyes
but {you're} not crying
and {you're} not screaming
yet...


My interpretation:



Oh, instead of the perspective of the "good guy" of the relationship, this is in the perspective of the "bad guy" of the relationship. Love that.

Overall:



Overall, I really liked! The flow is wonderful and the song makes sense. The change of perspective was really interesting. However, you have a few grammar issues that you need to change. I have fixed them for you. Great work! Keep it up! :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus