Chapter 1: The Torture Begins
After an entire year of being treated like the older, smarter kids, Ali, Jessica, and Kylia became three of many babies of school.
“It’s our last day as 5th graders. In August, we will be middle school girls,” Kylia said at first happy, then she realized, “Wait! That’s not a good thing! We’re gonna be the become babies of school!”
“I know! It’s gonna feel like kindergarten all over again, except with harder work!” Jessica agreed.
Ali, who had an older sister wasn’t that worried. Her sister had survived two years of middle school. “We’ll be fine. I mean how bad can it really be?”
In August the three girls stood in front of Lakeview Middle School, Jessica and Kylia scared to go any further. The three of them looked at each other, hooked arms, and walked into the school, with their heads held high and smiles on their faces. Kids around them stared. Some giggled. A few kids had a look of jealousy on their faces.
“Who do those girls think they are?” whispered eighth grader, Annabelle Huff to her best friend, Caitlyn Reeves. They both had confused expressions.
We just kept walking until we reached the office. “Hello girls, the secretary said to us, “Sixth graders?”
“Yes, Ma’am. I’m Ali Grendo,” I told her.
“Oh, a Grendo? Glad to have another one.” I blushed.
“Hi, I’m Jessica Rodreguiz.”
“And I’m Kylia Steffen.”
“Very lovely names, girls. Let me go find your schedules.” About a minute later, she came back with our schedules. “Here you go girls. Have a great day.”
“Thanks Mrs…” We all paused.
“Mrs. Amoes,” She replied.
“Thanks”
We looked at our schedules in the hall. Jessica and I had the same homeroom. We hugged Kylia goodbye, and walked away, trying to find room 34.
Kylia looked at her schedule, room12, the opposite direction as room 34. On her way to her room, she ran into Annabelle Huff. “Walk much?” Annabelle shouted at her.
“Sorry,” Kylia replied quietly.
“Yeah, you better be sorry!” Annabelle turned away, and flipped her long blonde curls in Kylia’s face. Kylia just kept walking.
Meanwhile, Jessica and I found our room right away. Our teacher, Mrs. Bryce was standing at the door. She was wearing a pretty blue dress, and her red hair was up in a ponytail. “Hi, you must be Ali Grendo, Nicole’s sister,” she said to me.
“Yeah.”
“You look just like her. What’s your name?” She asked Jessica.
“My name’s Jessica Rodreguiz, hi.”
“Hello, find your name and sit down.”
We found our names, which were right next to each other. We sit in the third row, me three seats over, her 2 seats. When I sat down, I whispered to Jessica, “I wonder how it’s going for Kylia.”
“Me too.”
Kylia walked into her class room, and looked around for anyone she knew. She found her friend Amber. “Hey, Amber!”
“Ugh. What do you want?”
“What do you mean? All I did was say hi.”
“Listen, Kylia, I know we were friends last year, but this is middle school and you’re, um, how do I put this nicely; uncool.” Kylia just stood there confused.
Chapter 2: Welcome
“Class, please find your name and sit down.” The teacher, Ms. Bonmark told the class politely. “Welcome to middle school! How many of you are nervous?” Almost the entire class raised their hand. “Okay. How many of you know at least one person on this class?” Again, almost the entire class raised their hand. “Wow, that’s a first. Normally no one knows one another. I apologize if you don’t like your seats. I will let you choose your seats after about a week, but for now, get to know the people who sit around. Especially if you don’t know anyone.”
The announcements came on, “Welcome back! Well, to most of you. Welcome to middle school to all of our sixth graders. I hope you enjoy your new school. To start off the day here is you eighth grade student body president with a little word of advice.” Principal Marst said.
“Hello. As most of you already know, I’m Annabelle Huff, your student body president. I would like to welcome back all of our returning students. A let our new sixth grade classmates know, this is a great school and you will have loads of fun.”
“Ha! Yeah right!” Amber whispered to the girl sitting next to her, Jenna.
“I wanted to tell you guys some advice to help you on your first couple of weeks here. Most teachers are pretty laid back and will allow you to be late, but you can’t take advantage of that. They only do that because they understand it can be hard to adjust at first. There are many different classes you can take. Today, you will go to each encore class and learn about them. Afterwards you can decide which THREE classes you want to take. I hope you enjoy your first day here, and I hope the older students don’t bother you too much. Have a great day.”
“Do all of you know where the gym is?” Mrs. Bonmark asked.
“Yes,” The entire class replied.
Kylia had already made friends with the girl she sat by, Alexis, so we were going to sit next to each other in the gym.
“Hello students. Again, I’m Mrs. Marst. You will be going to the different encore classes to learn about hem then choose which three you want to do. You will be with your class and 3 or 4 other classes.”
“Jess, we might get to be with Kylia!”
“I hope we are.”
“Mrs. Bonmark, Mrs Bryce…”
Before she could finish, Jessica and I looked at each other and screamed, “Yes! I love this school already!”
When Kylia screamed, her new friend, Alexis asked, “Why are you screaming?”
“Our class is with my best friend’s class so I’m happy I get to be with them,” Kylia replied.
“Oh. What class are they in?”
“Mrs. Bryce.”
“Really? My friend, Jenna is in that class.”
“Kylia!” Jessica and I shouted.
“I know we have only been away for a little while, but I missed you guys!”
“Same here, Ky,” Jessica told her.
“This is Alexis. I sit be here in class.”
“Hi,” I said.
“Hello. Have you seen a girl named Jenna?”
“There’s no Jenna in our class.”
“Yes there is. She’s my best friend and said she had Mrs. Bryce.”
“Well then she lied.” Alexis walked away, furious. We all started laughing. “Wow.”
“Girls, let’s go, we don’t want to miss any of the art presentation.” Mrs. Bryce said to us.
“Hello. Welcome to art class. Everyone loves this class. So much that there isn’t room for everyone that wants to be in it.”
“I hope we get to be in it,” Kylia whispered. What Kylia didn’t know was Jessica and I didn’t want to be in art.
“Yeah me too.”
“In this class we will be sculpting, drawing, and painting. Sometimes we have kids stand in the front and pose while the rest of the class draws them. That’s one of everyone’s favorite things to do. We will also be going outside to draw some nature and maybe sculpt some. Every Friday is a free day or a day to catch up on things you missed or need to finish.”
“Sounds like so much fun,” Kylia said excitedly.
“Yeah it sure does,” Jessica replied. “Come on Ali, we gotta tell her we already know what classes we want and this isn’t one of them.”
“No, that would break her heart more.”
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Hi Jb! Is this the first thing you have posted so far on the site? Do you like what you see around here so far? It'll take a while to get used to everything, but pretty soon you will have tons of friends.
Okay, so this is pretty good, but like all pieces it can always be improved. There are a few things in this that I think could be edited to make it better.
The first thing I noticed was that you never really say or show what the people are feeling or thinking. You tell us what they do, what they hear, and what they see. But how do they react inside to all of this? I think that you could get this piece to be a bit deeper by doing this, and we will be able to relate to the characters better. I want to know their thoughts.
That brings to my next problem: your characters. They are very alike. Right now I can't see their individual personality traits. Is there one that really likes sports? Does one get angry a little bet faster than the others? Is one shyer or more outgoing? Tell us, but more importantly show us. You should know what your characters are like by your second chapter. Their personalities should effect how they react to things.
One more thing that I noticed was your breaks in the writing. For example you made this two chapters, but I think that it would flow smoother as one. Why did you make it two chapters? Reread where you broke it. There isn't really a natural break there. I think that maybe a better spot would be when they started to go to the art class. Because right now your first chapter is a bit short, and there, at least in my opinion, there is a natural break.
The last thing I want to talk about is your grammar. You have some grammar issues, but I don't think they are because you don't know the rules. I think it is because you haven't read this over. For example in one sentence you meant to have 'and' (or at least I think you meant to have that), but all you had was an 'A'. This makes it seems to readers that you don't really care about your piece. You will get less reviews because of that. So, before you put it up re-read your story a few times looking for only certain problems. Analyze each sentence. Is it a complete thought? Is it a run-on sentence? Do I have the correct commas? As yourself these and so-on.
Well, besides that I think you will just get better with practice. So if you have any questions or want another review just P.M. me! XD
Hope I helped,
Calli <3
Hi there! My reviews arent the best but I'll do it anyway. First I thought the plot was interesting and what happened to Ali, Jessica, and Kylia was completely different when I think to my first time in highschool. The only thing I would say is there is a lot of dialogue especially in Chapter tow and lack of description about the school, the hallways and I do admit in Chapter two when Jessica and kylia start speaking and then alexis too, I did get a bit lost but then understood who was speaking when (I feel a bit stupid about how I got lost lol). Apart from that it was good piece to read
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