her hair glistens
in the moonlight,
pretty blue eyes
stuck in your mind.
grab her by the waist,
heart against heart,
because you know she loves
these dances in the dark.
her strength is unimaginable,
her beauty unmatchable,
her fast-paced mind
is always unreachable.
she looks into your eyes,
those blue skies you missed,
and you know she wants you
to pull her in for a kiss.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi there,
Firstly, I feel like based on your title you really conveyed the message. There is no doubt that this is about two people who have affection for each other, leaning in for a kiss.
I also liked the choice of words and the rhythm and pacing of the words e.g
''her strength is unimaginable,
her beauty unmatchable"
Ï really liked that.
But I don't quite get the addition of 'her fast paced mind
is always unreachable'
Í feel like it doesn't quite flow with the rest of what you've been saying.
Also, I feel like the way you broke it up in some parts is kind of funny. You put commas at the ends of some lines but didn't in other places that should have had commas. I feel like its either you use it everywhere it should be used or you don't use it at all.
I like the way you write.
Cheers!
Hey there, this is Rebin here! This is an amazing poem, the imagery is beautiful and I can easily imagine the scene. The format is good and I love the wording; I'm curious about why nothing is capitalized? There might be a reason behind it or to maybe set a tone. You write, "her hair glistens in the moonlight, pretty blue eyes stuck in your mind." I can picture the girl but it's a little mysterious as you do not give much a description about her. It makes it hard to put a face to the eyes and the hair. I'm also curious about who the second person is, there is no description about the second person which makes it hard to imagine two people dancing. Otherwise, this piece is amazing and I hope to read more from you! Keep on writing!
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
I read poetry a lot, and so this is a familiar topic. But, the second person perspective was totally surprising and really unique. I've never seen something like it before. I hope that all of your future works have something unique about them like this one!
As Nikayla said below me, this poem would do well with stanzas. She offered some solutions to if your formatting doesn't work, but The Big Book of YWS Codes has a whole lot more. Of her suggestions don't suit your fancy, consider checking this out.
You know you write with extremely accurate rhythm? Like, EXTREMELY accurate. I hope to see more of that from you in future works.
Your rhyme scheme was sometimes apparent, but it felt more like it wasn't. I don't think it's bad, because rhyming isn't necessary in this piece. However, if you decide might I rhyme in a work, don't rhyme for part of it, because it constantly makes the reader think "is it gonna rhyme?"
Overall, great piece. I look forward to seeing more like it from you! Keep me posted!
-Shey
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
I see that you're quite new to the site, so I welcome you! Putting that aside, let's jump right into the review of this piece. Stanzas in this piece would help, I believe, though I'm not sure if yours were messed up by the formatting of the Publishing Center, or that you simply didn't have them to begin with. A bit of advice is that if you line all of the lines up and then hit shift+enter at the end of the line, it'll start a new line. If that's too complicated, you can divide stanzas with "~" or a dash and people will understand what you mean by that.
So the first two lines build on an image, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. I would have liked you to finish that description or thought before going straight on to telling us the color of her eyes. I found this poem to be in a bit of an odd perspective, as there isn't a defined speaker, and rather it's telling the other person in the poem (what you refer to as 'you') what to do with 'her'. I'd like more clarity as to who 'you' is, and who this girl is that you're describing in the poem.
While I don't mind the rhyme itself and I liked these lines, I found it to be inconsistent. In the first four lines, you never brought up any form of rhyme scheme, yet you're rhyming in a ABCB here, though I'm not too sure if it's intentional on your part or if it just came out that way. A general rule of thumb is that if you're going to rhyme in a poem, you should keep that rhyme scheme, and if you're in the middle of a free-verse, you don't randomly begin using rhyme.
Not as much of a fan of these lines, since I didn't find as much detail imbued in them. Instead of going about it in this way, I'd like you to continue on the imagery and atmosphere that you've already built up throughout the piece. Speaking of that, while I'd prefer to see more detail of this other person and more of their actual personality, it works for what it is.
Looks like you're back with the rhyme scheme of ABCB again. It could very well be possible that you meant for this poem to be in four stanzas with four lines and only two stanzas having a rhyme, but I would like it more if you decided to do something along the lines of ABAC in the first and third stanzas to make it more of a balanced structure. Overall, it's a nice piece that could use refining in the structure and detail, though it works for what it is.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.