Published November 30, 2009
And then they are born
These small moments in which
We ignore the value of
These cherished laughs
That we have shared
Over our deepest secrets
And hidden thoughts
Will all be broken
On so few words,
Tainted by rash decisions
And unkind remarks
As the friendship shatters
So will the thoughts, secrets,
And laughs.
And so they fade…
I'm not sure if I should change the last line to mirror the first one.
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
I havn't seen any of yours lately nor have I really told you what i think but I liked this one a lot. I dont know if it's just because I'm in this really sad mood today but I read this several times and got from it a even deeper meaning than first implied... hopefully that makes sense to you. I like how you don't have any punctuation in this it makes it feel like someone is speaking it to you. Yeah hope you understand that one too. Also you should keep the end to what it is, if you mirrored the beginning I don't think it would make much sense. Thanks for writing it was good.
-Snickerdooly
Hi.
I really love your poem
It was a little confusing at the start but, in the end, it was clear.
I think you should change the last line to mirror the first as that would make it sound like friendship is a never-ending circle; which it is.
Only critism is, you need more punctuation. There were very few full stops in it, which slightly concerned me!
Thanks for the read,
Woozey
Hey Rosemary! June here.
Your poetry has seen a steady improvement since the beginning of this year. I'm glad to see that.
I think this poem is good. It has a touch of whimsical air to it, such that some parts in this can be mistaken for fluff. I think you need to concentrate on solidity: less figurative things, more concrete. You aren't giving us much basis to lie on-- there's the laughter, and such, but it leaves questions! What happens to these people that breaks them apart?
With that said, I'm not saying to tell us a story. I think you should just give us a little bit more, because this sits the fence of such common poetry and such and you can distinguish yourself from the majority by varying up a few things.
Keep the last line as is. It's nice like that.
Thanks for the read, dear. Best of luck in future writings!
June
nahhh keep it like that, it sounds better to me...it wouldn't make much sense if they were born after all of this? and i do have a question about its beginning
"And then they were born"
from? who? when? why?
You should give more of your take on this, and adding more/some emotion.
other than that its good.
keep writing.