Escaping Eden--Chapter 1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

A lavish garden overflowing with life. Surrounding me with color and helping me escape the damaged world. As I sit here and absorb the colors, the smell, the life in this place I forget the cares of the world. Stress, fear, school, everything. Here is my escape. This is the place I love. My one place of security. A haven from the cold and unfair world. My Eden.

Ever since I was little I've always been afraid of the world. Its secrets, its hatred, its lack of love. But before I tell you this story maybe I should tell you who I am.

Hmm well this is quite an intriguing note to start on. It seems like we're starting off by discussing this rather important place for this person which I assume ties in heavily in some form or the other to the plot of this story through some reason or the other. The way you mention all of these issues while we do have this somewhat tranquil atmosphere does also create an interesting contrast there to start us off.

I'm Aubrey. At 15, I'm just your average teenager. Decent grades, friends, a normal life. At least on the outside. On the inside I'm the most complicated person in the world. Everyone sees who I am but no one really knows me. No one knows my fears. Sure, the everyday fear of spiders and whatnot but no one knows my fear of the world. The great big thing we call Earth. I see the coldness and injustice in the world and frankly, it scares the crap out of me. The darkness and despair that constantly tears at our world, ripping it apart piece by piece. I only have one sanctuary. My Eden.

Everyone's heard of Eden before. Adam and Eve and the creation of the world. I don't know too much about it. Not exactly a church girl. Well, my Eden's a bit….different. It's not the most breathtaking place in the universe but it's perfect in my eyes. It's my escape from the darkness that is capturing our world more and more until we're eventually consumed by it. Trapped in the dark with no light to guide us into the unknown future which looms in front of us, barely within our grasp. I bet I sound like the biggest wimp in the world. I don't care. No one knows how I feel. My views on the world. My fear of being thrust into the world and not having a clue what to do, falling into the darkness and despair of the world.

Okay this is interesting. Usually this sort of narration up front can get a tad bit boring and seem a bit unnecessary but I think with the general style that you are going for here it manages to work out surprisingly well and well these revelations that we're being treated to here are certainly quite intriguing. Its a premise I don't believe I've heard before at any rate.

I bet I sound like a pretty dark person. Well, I'm not. People see me as bubbly on the outside but no one, not my parents, my best friends, NO ONE, sees the troubles in my heart. Between school, peer pressure, my parents who are constantly bickering, my annoying brother, and just the everyday crap that comes with being a teenager, I find it hard to find the joys in the world. I watch the news all the time. It seems like nothing good EVER happens. Murder, rape, abuse. It's insane. Bombs going off, wars raging, people starving. Where's the hope in the world? Where's the light in the darkness? Is the world ever going to change? Does anyone know?! Probably not. Wish someone had all the answers.

Now, you're probably wondering what Eden looks like. If you're willing, close your eyes and follow me.

Well that's certainly some interesting imagery to leave us off on there. I suppose we've really got some very intriguing situations going on in this particular world. Its a good note to end on actually. The narrator here really seems to sort of want to take to the reader and establishing this sort of thing right way instead of committing half way is a good idea. It might turn a few people away from reading but the people who like this style with definitely stay with it more than if this was half committed. So overall, I'd say this is a pretty solid start here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

But before I tell you this story maybe I should tell you who I am.

There should be a comma after story.

At least on the outside.

I think this would sound a lot better if you put a comma after least.

On the inside I'm the most complicated person in the world.

Again, I think there should be a comma after inside. But, I may be wrong.

Everyone sees who I am but no one really knows me.

There should be a comma after am.

Sure, the everyday fear of spiders and whatnot but no one knows my fear of the world.

There should be a comma after whatnot.


To me, this seems more like a prologue than a first chapter. But, that is just my opinion. Overall, I think it was an okay story. Consider rewording some of your sentences.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

-Venom