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by iloveonedirection69



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Points: 300
Reviews: 0

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Fri Feb 01, 2013 12:39 am



Don't Judge My Writing Kay? I Mean I'll Take Ideas,.. Look I Upload My Stories On Youtube and Youtube Doesn't Let Me Write My Stories Long Enough.. So I Joined This Website ;P
I Had To Do It Here Because My Status Box Isn't Working!>.<




Nate says...


No one is judging! They're critiquing, which is what a lot of YWS is about. If you're just looking for a place to post your story online, this probably isn't the best place.

You may want to look into http://www.figment.com or http://www.wattpad.com. You can share your stories there without getting critiques.


Random avatar


I'll Post Them Where Ever I Want..
Look I Tried Those Website &&' There Confusing Cause I'm A Slow Mexican ;P



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10 Reviews


Points: 725
Reviews: 10

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Thu Jan 31, 2013 11:25 pm
musicgirl5001 wrote a review...



Hey there,
I'm musicgirl5001 here giving you a review. Sorry, but I'm not a big fan of One direction, but this story is very interesting. I think you should make the story a bit longer. Also after every quote start a new paragraph, so it won't sound very confusing. There is this one part about the three girls getting into the plane and sleeping. You forgot to put a space between a and deep in that part. There is also this one part in Julissa's POV that says "Well I Miss Princess" I don't really get what that meant. You should also put more information about their past because your readers don't know how these three girls met. Either than that, the story is pretty good.

Peace out,
musicgirl5001




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328 Reviews


Points: 99
Reviews: 328

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Thu Jan 31, 2013 3:00 pm
LadySpark wrote a review...



Hello dear! Spark here to review!

First of all, I'm a fellow One Direction Fan. (And avid Larry shipper, I have to admit,) So I must say that I was really excited to see this here. Anyway, to the review.

I woke up at two a.m. excited, >>space<<knowing we were going to Miami soon. "Girls wake up! It's time to go to Miami!"
>>Who is they? We need names, we need details.<<They jumped up from the bed and ran to change. >>space<<Once i was done I took my One Direction posters off the wall and put them in my suitcase. >>Why is she taking her poster off her wall in her bedroom and putting it in her suitcase? That seems a little over the top, dear.<<

>>new paragraph<<"Hey time to leave this trashy place, Jane," I heard someone say from the doorway.
>>New line<<"I'm gonna miss all the memories we had here," I whispered as I turned around to see Julissa. When we arrived at the airport it was just >>space<<2:30 >>space<<but our flight left at >>space<< 2:45.
>>new line<<"Are you guys ready to trash Miami?" I heard Julissa in a sassy voice. Jazmine laughed and gave Julissa a high five. Once they announced that our flight was leaving we grabbed our backpacks and headed ontothe plane.The girls and I were so tired,we dozed off into a >>space<<deep sleep."We are arriving in five minutes." I woke up to the voice and waited for our limo to get to gate 5."Hey look there's a cute boy over there!"I heard Julissa yell to Jazmine. I'm no where in their conversation..I guess i'm missing home already. hopefully when we get home i'll forget it.to top it off...the girls forgot my it's my birthday.<<wow, that came out of nowhere? You never gave us any hints that she's upset, or anything. Plus, it's worded awfully, so it's confusing.<<


I'm only doing the first paragraph, because I'm pressed for time, and my corrections in the first paragraph apply to all of them. First of all, to be honest, this is like every other 1D fanfiction I've read. The girls go to a concert, they get brought up on stage, ya-da ya-da. I want to know what makes yours different from everyone else's. What can set yours apart from the crowd. Also, your grammar and format is totally messed up. Fixing it will come with experience, and eventually you'll be able to fix it without blinking, but you're not there yet. So you have to work at it. Look at the corrections I've made in the paragraph above, and try to mimic it in the next one. You've got a weird thing going on where you capitalize some words and don't capitalize others. If you're older than six, you should know that you capabilities names, places, and beginning of sentences. Always go back to the stuff you learned in English. It can help so much.

I'm pressed for time, so I'm going to leave you with this, even though it's not finished.
Hope I helped, and if you have any questions or comments, send me a PM or post on my wall.
xx
Spark





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