Leave the words I say in their places
Commonly awkward
For the most part jaded
But they still have some meaning left
As much as it hurts me
To have to say this
Why would you tell me
That it's overrated
Breaking my bones with
Your sticks and your stones
Tell me
Can you hear the sounds
Of my world turning gray
Crashing down
On our wasted remains
I'm asking you
Please, help me now
While the fire's winding down
Ask me one last time
Will you get lost with me tonight
Now everything seems fine again
Do you remember the fight we were in
Late last night you told me never to show my face
Now I couldn't
Forget you
As much as it hurt my heart
Not to
Take away
Everything
That reminds you of me
No more lies that
Were surprisingly true
Take away everything
That reminds me
Of you
Tell me
Can you hear the sounds
Of my world turning gray
Crashing down
On our wasted remains
I'm asking you
Please, help me now
'Cause the fire's winding down
Ask me on last time
Will you get lost with me tonight
Can you hear me sing
These time were out worst of dreams
Hoping the sound
Of gray crashing down
Are not here to stay
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, thanks for the tips. :]
I actually did make two critiques.. They weren't very good or long, since I'm not very experienced at this, but I did do them.
as for the song; I actually wrote the music before I wrote the lyrics. I don't have anything to record it with yet, but I'm working on it. ^^;
I wrote songs before but I stopped and this song brought me back into song writing.
thank you again for the tips, it's greatly appreciated!!!
Yeah, I guess I get what you're saying... Though, the lines you chose were the irony of the song. The whole song was meant to be about two people dating but always getting into fights, breaking up, then soon after trying to save the relationship and getting back together. They both get tired of this cycle and they try to forget each other completely only to find they can't forget each other; thus, "Take away everything, that reminds me of you.." Because they want to forget, but they can't.
If that makes any sense. ^^;
But I think I will try to write something based off of that part of the bridge, it might be fun. :]
No more lies that
Were surprisingly true
Take away everything
That reminds me
Of you
Want my opinion?, ok, I'll give it to you just this once.
Reconstruct a whole new song based around this stanza. Based around a bunch of crap that may remind you of this someone going away. There's something catchy there.
what you had is not bad but theres a lack of confidence coming through. Too many question, in our songs, at least the hit songs over the radio, we are listening to our anwsers.
They give us comfort, not confusion
Hello ilikepenguins, and welcome to YWS! I ope you're having fun on the site so far.
Before I start your critique, I'd like to point out to you that we do have a 2 for 1 reviewing policy here, and we'd appreciate it if you could make two critiques as soon as possible, and from then one always do at least two critiques before post another piece of your own. Now, onto your song.
I'm just wondering, is this your first song? And did you write it with a tune in mind, because I had quite a difficult time actually putting this with a tune. This part for example,
I can hear the beginning of something, bu I can't actually sing it very well. This leads me to believe that you don't actually have a tune to go with it, and it's not easy to put music to lyrics afterwards.
And that's really all I can say because it was pretty much the same for me the entire song, where I had a difficult time singing it. I think what you're saying in the song is really good, but I us can't make it a song yet.
Good luck in future, and let me know if you want me to have a look at any other lyrics you post! Oh, and don't forget those two critiques.