This is supposed to be kind of choppy because she is kind of going insane.
Nect Chapter: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=94121
Prologue: Rachel
Alyssa.
Her face haunts my dreams. She was taken. After our parents died, we were taken to the hospital.
I drift off to sleep, only to be awoken by the same nightmare.
Last week.
Only last week our parents were killed in a train crash. We were there. Someone hijacked the train then left. It was out of control. The person changed route to the one where the tracks go over the cliff. The tracks were unfinished. Our father pushed us off the train before it fell. Our mother screamed as it fell into the canyon. Her last words to us were:
"I love you! Never forget that!"
The fall off the train broke my arm. Alyssa wasn’t that lucky.
The fall knocked her out and she fell on a broken bottle. I dragged her over to a cave and ripped up the bottom of my pants to bind my arm and wrap her leg.
We were there for two days before the police found us and took us to the hospital.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh dear, well, we've got someone who appears to be dealing with a lot of grief right there. It looks someone that sounds like this person's sister was taken to the hospital right after the death of her parents and I'm guessing all of this stemmed from potentially the same accident that is now combining with the face of the sister to haunt the dreams of this person who appears to be at least physically unscathed from whatever went down.
OKay, whoa, that's very different from what I was expecting which was some kind of home invasion of sorts, but well, this is first of all quite unique, I haven't run into anything like this before...car crashes, yes but not a train crash, and well it looks to be exactly as predicted here...the parents dying instantly from this horrific accident and the sister probably being seriously injured.
Hmm, that's a touch unrealistic, people who are that hurt surviving for two days in a cave with essentially no supplies by the sound of it is nothing short of properly miraculous as is the kind of time it took for them to found, unless of course this was some super remote location in which case you have to wonder if it was a train worth hijacking but well...at any rate, a very powerful backstory there, you can clearly see this is someone going through a lot of grief here and perhaps even survivor's guilt to an extent. Well, this is certainly a very powerful prologue that you've got right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
i love how this flows and it gives the reader a brilliant insight to the story. You've captured fear in here and i really like it as it kept me on the edge of my seat and waiting to know what happens next.
I would break it up a bit, i understand the prologue is to bring the reader up to date with the story before it starts but i think it would draw readers in more for example.:
Alyssa.
Her face haunts my dreams. She was taken. After our parents died, we were taken to the hospital.
I drift off to sleep, only to be awoken by the same nightmare.
Last week.
Only last week our parents were killed in a train crash. We were there. Someone hijacked the train then left. It was out of control. The person changed route to the one where the tracks go over the cliff. The tracks were unfinished. Our father pushed us off the train before it fell. Our mother screamed. (i would put an ellipsis here to add effect)
The fall off the train broke my arm. Alyssa wasn’t that lucky.
The fall knocked her out and she fell on a broken bottle. I dragged her over to a cave and ripped up the bottom of my pants to bind my arm and wrap her leg.
We were there for two days before the police found us and took us to the hospital.
Overall i think its brilliant and would love to know where it leads!
Thank You!