Red Ribbon

by ikiru

  • Short Story
  • Horror · Teen Fiction

Published March 5, 2012

Red Ribbon Told By Mary

Robert was in 3rd grade when the new girl came. She has curly black hair and grey eyes. She always wore black or grey and a blood red ribbon around her neck.
“Hi. I’m Robert!” Robert said to her one day.
“Hello, Robert.” She said, “My name is Victoria.”
Robert and Victoria also went to the same middle school. When they were in seventh grade, Robert asked Victoria to be his girlfriend. She said yes. After a few months, Robert stopped Victoria when they were walking to school together.
“Victoria, what is that ribbon around your neck for?”
“I’ll tell you when the time comes.” She said, slowly.
Years passed and Victoria still hadn’t told Robert what the ribbon was for. Eventually, Robert broke up with Victoria. When Robert was about 24, he saw a girl at the mall with curly black hair. When she turned around, he saw that she had a red ribbon around her neck. A few months later, they start dating again, and eventually marry. Victoria still wouldn’t tell Robert why she had the ribbon. Many years passed and Victoria got sick. They were both old. One night, when Victoria was in the hospital and Robert was visiting her, she told him that he could take off the ribbon. The moment he undid the bow, Victoria’s head rolled to the floor. Poor old Robert died in shock, and they were buried next to each other. If you go to that cemetery, some people say, at midnight, you can see a floating, blood red ribbon.
Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
ForeverYoung299
Review
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review Review · Apr 1, 2022

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was such a tragic story. I wouldn't say that I wasn't expecting this but still it came as a shock. Anyway, into the review!!

She has curly black hair and grey eyes.

Just a small nitpick, it will be had and not has.

Another thing which I noticed is that you packed the material of a long story in a short one. You just told pretty much everything without showing us anything. This is not going to do. Like for example,
When they were in seventh grade, Robert asked Victoria to be his girlfriend. She said yes

Here, I think you could elaborate a lot on this particular thing. You could actually provide us with the scene, i.e., Robert stopping Victoria and asking her to be his girlfriend. You could incorporate dialogues in the scene too. It would just make the scene a lot more visual than it is now.

Wow, the plot was an intriguing one. I was indeed expecting something to happen but the head rolling down... That was more than I expected to be very honest. Just a small thought... Not very important but red ribbons were allowed in school? And also, how could she weae black or grey? Like the schools generally have school uniforms.

I really liked how the red ribbon helped Robert to identify Victoria later though. That was a good identification sign. I liked the ending too. It still leaves the reader terrorized to some extent. Overall, this was a fantastic story.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

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Metalmauzen
Review
Metalmauzen wrote a review Review · Mar 14, 2012

To be honest I've never heard or read this story before.

Re-telling a story is dangerous though. You have to stick with the original ideas of the story while giving your own twist to it and keep as much people happy in the process.

I have to agree with Twit. This story could be so much more than it is now and it doesn't even have to be that much longer. This story needs details on many levels. It would also make the ending of the story more surprising and perhaps even more morbid than it is now.

I'd like to read a more detailed version of this story.

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itybityclutz
Comment
itybityclutz commented Comment · Mar 7, 2012

This isn't a critique, and probably bares no resemblance to any kind of review, but this is quite funny to me. I don't tend to like horror stories, or the genre itself but when I was younger a teacher told me this story & I'm suprised I even remeber it but it's one of my favorites.

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Twit
Review
Twit wrote a review Review · Mar 6, 2012

Hi Ikiru!

This is good; I like the reason behind the red ribbon, it was very dark and morbid. I thought it would be something tame, but it turned out to be quite sensational. ^_^

However, I do think you could do more with this idea. Your story is so short, you should flesh it out so it's more lively. What you have here is more like an outline. I don't feel like I know your characters well because they don't seem real. There's so little detail about them, and we're not given much of a look into their lives, so I don't understand them. Why did Robert ask about the ribbon in the first place? Why did he break up with her? Why did they get back together again? What was their married life like?

The prize is in the detail. :) Details really make your story come alive; they make your writing vivid and interesting, so they really pull the reader in and make them want to read more. Details about the characters make them real. Detailed descriptions help your readers see the world of the story. Remember, only you know your story world well. You're the window through which the rest of us look in, so you need to throw the window wide so we can see everything you can.

Anyway, I hope this helped somewhat! PM or Wall me if you have any questions, or if I wasn't clear on anything.

-twit

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ikiru
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ikiru commented Comment · Mar 6, 2012

Please write reviews so I can make this better!

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ShootingStars
Comment
ShootingStars commented Comment · Mar 6, 2012

Hey, Shooting Stars here!
Did you "come up" with this? Because I've seen a story EXACTLY LIKE THIS ONE. If it's just a retelling, that's fine. If not, this is what's called plagiarism.
---Shooting Stars


ikiru
ikiru replied · Mar 6, 2012

It is a re telling.



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— John Oliver