Words
such humungous words you use
to mark me unworthy
So enormous
I don't understand
so I laugh at your face
you scream louder
your face turning red
I double over, clutching at my sides.
You start to screech, your voice
pounding through the walls
and then it quietens,
it is silenced
perhaps forever
I laugh still
what a pity
you had such a pretty voice
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,749 Reviews
I'm going to be super honest, this poem doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Is it someone talking to themself? I do enjoy the pretty voice detail at the end there, that's a nice touch.
WOW, this hit me hard. I really felt like I got punched in the gut with how powerful this was. You really talk about some deep topics. I love the imagery you create in these words. "you had such a pretty voice" this line was full of real raw emotion and I loved it! The interaction between the two characters, or one character fighting himself I am not sure... It is really just empowering and sad at the same time. I like this theme of silence and having a voice, you really took it to the next level. I am so blown away I don't really have any suggestions! Keep writing I ll be in the lookout for more of your pieces. And if you ever want to collab or take a look at my work I'd be honored.
Yours truly,
Rae
Thank you so much!!
Hello there!
I absolutely love your poem and its flow. It is very sporadic but flows really well together.
"You start to screech, your voice
pounding through the walls
and then it quietens,
it is silenced"
I like the visual imagery here. The poem is mostly descriptive and i like how it uses some senses.
" what a pity
you had such a pretty voice"
Is a great way to end the poem, it feels somewhat like a cliffhanger and a choppy end but very effective.
I love the deep meaning behind the poem, about how we're all worthy no matter what others say.
Once again, i'd like to say that i really like your writing style. Keep up the good work!
Hoping to read mor from you in the future!
Much love,
Zaibae
Hello there!
I absolutely love your poem and its flow. It is very sporadic but flows really well together.
"You start to screech, your voice
pounding through the walls
and then it quietens,
it is silenced"
I like the visual imagery here. The poem is mostly descriptive and i like how it uses some senses.
" what a pity
you had such a pretty voice"
Is a great way to end the poem, it feels somewhat like a cliffhanger and a choppy end but very effective.
I love the deep meaning behind the poem, about how we're all worthy no matter what others say.
Once again, i'd like to say that i really like your writing style. Keep up the good work!
Hoping to read mor from you in the future!
Much love,
Zaibae
hi there zaibae! thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my poem!
A great and very well written poem! I really enjoyed the flow. The choppiness emphasizes certain parts of the poem really well. I really liked the lines "it is silenced perhaps forever"
Depending on what you were going for, it could use some punctuation breaking up some sentences or no periods at all. Also "and then it quietens," felt awkward for me. Using "quiets" feels more natural and keeps the flow. I really enjoyed reading this poem! Great job!
hi there me10! thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my poem! your suggestions were really useful!
Very deep and realistic. I liked it a lot. But of course, there is a need for improvement in the poem. Like maintaining the length of the lines, I felt so. And also the true meaning of the poem is a bit unclear. Like:
"You start to screech, your voice
pounding through the walls"
What does it actually want to convey? I am sorry if I am not getting into the depth of it.
Overall, it is a very beautiful poem.
Don't ever leave your passion!
hi there! thanks for your time and encouragement!
'pounding through the walls' as for this line i kind of meant the voice is sort of bouncing off the walls and amplifying in the hypothetical room. either way, thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my poem!
Hello!
Suggestions
The first thing I recognize is the difference in the length of your lines, I am not sure if it is a style thing meant for impact, or what you were going for here, but due to your longer lines, to me, it feels like some of your shorter lines are missing something, or they should at least be combined.
The second thing I noticed is your repetition of "so" at the beginning, I would try to take at least on of them out. Enormous is already a word that means like huge and gigantic, that I think you do not need to have the "so" there to emphasize it. It feels unnecessary. The second one also is not needed in my opinion, a simple "I laugh at your face" should do it.
Another recommendation I have is adding other punctuation in here. It feels like a great big run on, with only the pauses at the commas. Periods are still needed especially if your poem is composed of multiple sentences, which also applies to capitalization.
The word pounding in this line feels like the wrong descriptor, that means the sound could be outside of the walls and the sound is moving through them. I am unsure of what you wanted here, but in my opinion I think bouncing would be a better word.
Overall
Ultimately, I really enjoy your poem and I like the plot line of the deep topic. I feel as if you could lengthen the poem to get more descriptive. The plot of this poem is really well thought out with some great character development in such a short time.
Happy Writing,
SBG
hi there! thanks for your time and encouragement!
'pounding through the walls' looking back at this line bouncing does seem like a better word to use. thanks a lot for your suggestion!