Untitled

by iheartluciencarr

Published September 6, 2014

E - Everyone

In Poetry

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You get me in trouble more often than I care to admit.

You've burned almost every bridge I've built.

You've done things I'm not proud of.

You work faster than I do most of the time, and that's almost never a good thing.

You st-st-stutter when people are listening.

But you can't stop going when no one wants to hear you.

You're too low to be an alto,

Too high to be a tenor.

You're craggy and rough.

You can't whisper to save your life.

You find beauty inside the madness,

Terror inside the mundane.

You represent the best and the worst of me.

You are everything to me.

You are my voice.

And I can't stand you.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Tuesday
Review
Tuesday wrote a review Review · Mar 8, 2015

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would like to say how amazing this poem is since you show that the insecurity inside anyone could bloom at anytime and that is fantastic. Since many people have flaws they want to show while some are worth hiding.

There are some changes/things that should be changed or revised. For example:

You're too low to be an alto/Too high to be tenor That should be changed to "You're too low to be an alto, also too high to be an tenor". Since you are contrasting two things together, they might as well go together \.

st-st-stutter i like how you stuttered the -st in this but instead together like that, you should enter the -st, so it looks like someone actually stuttering.

you can't stop going until no one wants to hear you that is a bit confusing and should be changed to "you can't stop until tells you to hush"

Beside those parts, i believe there is some good in this poem. I could relate since I used to stutter a lot as a kid and people would give me wired looks and sometimes mock me. Other times, they would see my flaws a pinpoints to my weakness or being bullied as a child.

As I do hope you continue to write like nothing else matters,
Farewell

CapitalMonday

User avatar
pendr
Review
pendr wrote a review Review · Sep 7, 2014

I really like how I can sense your frustration through this. It's very cool how you express your feelings. It's cool how you used an onomatopoeia with the "st-st-stutter." It's not too often that I've seen that in a poem, so I like that you did that. I really like your metaphors; they really add to the poem and what you're expressing with it. There are many cases where someone has not wanted to love, or even like, someone, yet they can't help it. I have been in one of those situations, even though my reasons for not wanting to like him were not because of his personality. I think poetry is a great way to relate to others, capture how you feel, and let others feel the same way.

Thank you very much! I do feel, however, that I need to let you know that I am not writing about a person. This was written, literally, about my voice, as part of a prompt for the best part of me. However, thank you so much for your kind words!!! I truly appreciate it

pendr replied · Sep 9, 2014

Oh wow. That makes it so much more powerful! That's so cool!

User avatar
rainbowcabbit
Review
rainbowcabbit wrote a review Review · Sep 6, 2014

When did I forget you actually write? Anyway it is great seeing you here. Bear with me, poetry is my weak spot. Anyways, I do mostly agree with Silla. As far as grammar goes, I can't find a single mistake. I absolutely love your vocabulary. I also really like how you started most lines with the word you. My favorite part though, is your ending. For a poem like this, it is absolutely perfect. However, along with Silla, I do agree another format would work very well. This poem could look a lot better if you made every two lines a little stanza.
For example:

"You st-st-stutter when people are listening.

But you can't stop going when no one wants to hear you.

You're too low to be an alto,

Too high to be a tenor."

to

"You st-st-stutter when people are listening.
But you can't stop going when no one wants to hear you.

You're too low to be an alto,
Too high to be a tenor."

That just makes more sense to me. I also recommend ditching the "You find beauty inside the madness,Terror inside the mundane." It just doesn't really fit the poem in my opinion.

Overall, this was a great poem. Please continue the great work and have a great weekend.

User avatar
Sillia
Review
Sillia wrote a review Review · Sep 6, 2014

Hi, Sillia here.

So i really like this, although I hope you don't mind if i make a couple suggestions.

So format. With the wording you have and the mood of the poem, you could make this much much more fun and intresting to read if you change up the format a little bit.

You st-st-stutter when people are listening.
Like this part. it would look kinda neat if you put

You st-
st-
stutter

as if you were really stuttering. Know that I mean?

Also, maybe try breaking it up into smaller stanzas.

You get me in trouble more often than I care to admit.

You've burned almost every bridge I've built.

You've done things I'm not proud of.

You work faster than I do most of the time, and that's almost never a good thing.


Break it here.

You st-st-stutter when people are listening.

But you can't stop going when no one wants to hear you.


Here

You're too low to be an alto,

Too high to be a tenor.

You're craggy and rough.

You can't whisper to save your life.


Here

You find beauty inside the madness,

Terror inside the mundane.

You represent the best and the worst of me.

You are everything to me.


Here and then split the last two lines so they stand alone. Keep in mind theses are all suggestions so you don't have to do them if you don't want too. And for tittle...you should try to put a tittle on it. It would get alot more reviews that way. I just did it because I like to do reviews with 0 reviews cuz i know what its like waiting and waiting and waiiiiiiiting for someone to leave a review. Otherwise, i really liked it and i thought it was really good :)

With love,

Sillia

Thank you so much Sillia! My explanation for the terrible formatting is that I'm not the kind of poet to look at structure because I write my poetry as if it is going to be performed in front of a crowd, not read on a website. :) I will definitely try to be more conscious of this in the future, so thank you for bringing it to my attention. :D

Sillia replied · Sep 6, 2014

Your welcome! :3



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