Any feedback will be much appreciated, thank you! - Nikki
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The blonde she-devil from the Arribaina tribe was just outside the door. Aerika could hear her harsh breathing on the scratched wooden door, the strands of her hair falling over her shoulder as she leaned her forehead against the door and tried to calm her thumping heart. The damn bitch Sayla..
Aerika turned her neck and gaze from the dark shadow of the door to the figure in front of her who was leaned against the wall acting natural. Even in the darkness of the small closet, Aerika could make out his lean body pressed against the stone wall and his cool eyes searching for hers. She knew that even though he felt secure and sure that she couldn't see it, there was the anxious, wary expression playing across his face when he battled with his inner thoughts.
"You weren't thinking," Aerika snarled at him and took a threatening step forward, closing the space between them another foot more, "You weren't thinking at all when you kissed her. That's not something that happens ofte, my Prince." The indent below his eye appeared once before leaving. Her dark brown eyes sharpened on that movement. Good, he was reacting to her words, not just to the lips of that lying angel outside. The corner of her lips twitched. "I showed you her power over me," he replied coolly. "You also know her power over you is not greater than mine." "Yes, I do."
She stepped closer. "You also know that I get incredibly jealous when you do things like that when I'm watching, right, Your Highness?" He breathed slowly, letting the warmth dance right on her collar. Blue eyes searched for the outline of her face, searching for some hint of a want for an apology. He was more than willing to apologize--not. "Yes, I do." Did she know that she had instigated the event, and that it was mostly her to blame for the situation he was put in?
Sayla of the Arribaina Tribe had lips of a seductress, an angelic, pure seductress that knew what to do, how to react to everything he did. He stepped close to her, she stepped closer and draped an arm around her shoulder. He pressed his lips against hers and she immediately parted hers for more depth. He gripped her hair, she lowered her hands. Aerika was more than aware of his weakness for sweet lips, and yet she had put him in that situation where he had to test Sayla's skills with her mouth. He'd already been drugged before. He could barely keep his control this time around. She'd seen him vulnerable. "I'm impressed by her power," Aerika mused. He pushed off of the cool wall and lurched forward into her. She didn't stumble at all; instead, she lifted her hands to grab his shoulders. "You shouldn't be," he stated.
"You're always going to hold a higher power."
"Then why do you toy with me so?"
"You brought it on yourself. Do not doubt what I say, Aer. I told you already she had a skill you do not have."
".. A skill that I do not have."
"That's right. Her lips drug me and even though she is a Priestess, her body knows what to do on its own. With little training, she could exceed you."
She pushed him backward into the wall while she stepped a foot forward in the space between his feet. Her annoyed feelings were emanating from within her body, pulsing the air around them. He grunted at the contact again with the wall. Mikel knew he was digging his own grave then, forget the hundreds of slaves that would kill themselves to make his grave.
"She could exceed me?" Aerika scoffed and leaned in close to Mikel, her nose touching his. If he wasn't her Prince, she'd kill him herself for such a heavy insult. "I've never heard anything more ridiculous in my life. A mere Priestess from the Arribaina Tribe, the traitors, exceeding me, Aerika de Satriz? You must be joking, Prince."
His bright eyes glowed in the darkness. "I assure you I am not." Clipped and cold, like he was talking to one of his immature siblings rather than her. He was correcting her, treating her like an idiot who couldn't understand what was being said right then.
"..." She bit the inside of her cheek. So that girl had left such an impression on her Prince. Aerika was not happy. Jealousy ran in her blood like the magic pulsing more and more through the air, making thick with her inner frustration with the entire thing.
Before she could gather a response, he kissed her. He took her chin in his hand and tipped her face down so he could press his lips up against hers. Earth filled all of her senses; fire spread from her lips down her neck to her chest and lower, the heat making her cheeks flare. Damn him and his tricks. Her arm came up to rest on his shoulder, her fingers threading through her hair. His lips moved further against hers when he realized she was responding in a positive way rather than pushing her away. She ran her tongue along the edge of his bottom lip and in return he traced her top with his.
He should have savored it.
Tightening the grip she had on his hair, she forced his head back and away from hers, shoving it back into the wall. Her smile was cold. "If I am so unsatisfactory for you, Prince Mikel don Respues, why do you kiss me so? Why not go outside--" she leaned forward to whisper into his exposed ear. The blonde hair she gripped began to heat slightly in her hand. "--and claim the young Priestess? I'm sure she's in want of you."
"You know I don't take well to your abuse, Aer."
"You brought it on yourself, my Prince," she mimicked him. Her grip loosened as the heat became too unbearable on her hand. She brought her other hand up to grasp his shoulder. "Take what you will of her, but you'll be returning to me tonight, Mikel. I'll show you what I'm capable of now that you've vexed me."
"You couldn't show me anything I don't already know."
"You said so yourself. My power exceeds hers. How is it you know everything else about me?"
She slid a hand to the side of his face. He jerked away out of habit, breaking the gaze he had on her highlighted brown eyes at the worst moment ever to peer into the back. Her lips curved up to reveal white, sharp teeth that glowed like a beacon in the small closet. "It is because you have shown nothing else to--mmf..!"
This was a new experience for him entirely. He suddenly felt as if all doors inside his very being were being slammed open and light was being shone through from all directions. These were famliar lips, Aerika's touching his, coaxing his to part more and he was slave to hers, moreso than he was with the girl from the Arribaina tribes...! "What are you doing to me, Satriz?!" his words came in broken breathes as their lips suddenly became more and more aggressive. Everything became a blur, mixes of shapes and colors exploding inside his mind's eye; her familiar burnt, windy smell of lit candles, incents, grasslands, and mussed bed sheets engulfed his being.
Were they still in the little room?
The lamp stationed at the far corner by the door of the room burst into light. The blinding brightness forced Aerika steps away from Mikel, who had immediately felt the cold emptiness around him from her loss. Before he could regain his sanity, she ran her the back of her hand across her lips and licked them. A quick flick of the same hand and the door creaked open. With it revealed the flustered Priestess Sayla. Aerika's smirk deepened and, with a suggestive, obviously smug look Mikel's way, she turned and strode out of room. Her long black hair brushed the shoulder of the blonde girl ever so slightly, and in return, the girl cringed.
"Do not doubt what I say, Prince Mikel. She couldn't possibly exceed me, no matter how well you teach her." Sayla gasped at the open insult and turned her head up to catch a glimpse of Aerika. The dark-haired seductress offered no mercy in her glare. She was above Sayla, she could do whatever she wanted and get away with it, because the Prince was hers and no one elses. With that, she walked off down the hall.
"What... are you going to teach me. Your Highness?" came the light voice of Sayla, who peeked carefully into the now lit room at the Prince. He had had time to recover. He could think clearly now, and force an expressionless, cold face. His posture, then wanton and pressed against Aerika's in a way that was against several laws in that region, was casual and straight, with his hands folded against his chest and his gaze levelled on the flushed blonde. He gave her a once over. Suddenly, her slim frame seemed too thin, too fragile and weak. Her small curves offered nothing for him to hold onto comfortable, to kiss without thinking he would bruise her or worse. His eyes sought flaws in everything about her, now. Her lips didn't even seem so enticing as the ones just moving against his with a fire stronger than the one burning within him.
".. Your Highness?"
He studied her in silence a little while longer. Aerika was testing him, surely, if he would do as she said and prove she was right, or ignore the open challenge and find she was right anyway later that night. His eyes narrowed in thought while he debated.
It was not dusk yet. He had time to spare.
"Come in here, Priestess. I will show you."
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Thank you, Evi! ^^
I appreciate your advice immensely. I'd just like to say, though, that I didn't fully develop this quite yet, but I'll hint that there is mystery in this. Confusion over their relationship is O-KAY for this bit. I'm hoping to continue it at the urging of a few close friends who've read it.
It'd be difficult to explain the Prince and Aerika in one post. I'll just say that their quite an "interesting" pair, an open couple, a "friends with benefits" sort.
Once again, thank you and hoped you liked it.
-Nikki
Welcome to YWS, Gnome! I absolutely adore your username.
This was very solid writing. I think your characters were interesting and powerful and the idea behind it intriguing. There was confusion with your dialogue and general plot, though.
You didn't separate paragraphs here, and I'm a little confused as to who is speaking here, and in the next couple of lines. You might want to add some dialogue tags.
Also, here:
He's contradicting himself. He says, at first, that Aer will always have a higher power...but then he says that her power could be exceeded by Sayla? Clarify!
Next: I'd have put this in Fantasy Fiction instead of Romantic. It's a personal preference, of course, but the love here seems more magic-induced than actual romantic feelings.
On a similar note, I'm wondering about Aerika and the Prince's relationship. I can't exactly see them as a romantic couple, but Aer mentions being jealous of Sayla, and she's certainly acting jealous. It's just that the vibe I'm getting between the two is more formal than romance. Aerika seems very aggressive and angry, more insulted that her magic is being threatened than hurt that her lover is considering another. Are they supposed to be lovers? If so, I'm missing that attraction. When he kisses her there's certainly that fire-- the problem is that I can't tell if the attraction and desire in the story is seducing sorcery, or actual affection?
Just mention she's quiet instead of using the "...", because that doesn't tell us anything and looks sort of funny!
The last big issue here is perspective. Point of view. Right now you keep switching between the Prince and Aer, and it's confusing-- it's also not helping the issue of "Who says what?" Generally, even in third person, it's best to stick with a character and describe their emotions, their thoughts, their reactions. I think it'd work if you just filtered the scene through Aerika's perspective instead of fluctuating.
All in all, a good story! I hope you keep writing, and PM me for anything!
~Evi