Poems
Pan's Shadow
Pan's shadow who has no light,
Come take me away tonight.
At midnight come and I will say,
"Please, please take me away
To Neverland - a place of fun
And excitement in the sun."
So take me away from my life,
Full of stress, sadness and strife.
So take me away is all I ask
For in Pan's glory I wish to bask.
Sweet Dreams
As I drift off to sleep,
I dream in my bed.
I'm a fantasic sea-diver...
At least in my head.
As I'm picking up pearls
A storm is emerging.
It swirls and it twirls.
Oh how is it turning?
A whale he comes
From side to side.
He opens his mouth
And I go inside.
Everything's dark
Until I take a look.
Then it turns out
That I have a hook.
A rowing boat
Is passing by.
I grab it with my hook
And out of the mouth I fly.
I land on something squishy-
An octopus' head!
Then I wake up
And wonder what I'm doing out of bed.
(A/N this was written when I was 7)
The Vampire
Lying there as if dead,
A creature of darkness rests his head.
Eyes wide open, a scary sight.
Yet with irises as dark as night
And pale skin - white as snow
Makes everyone think that even though,
In the beauty there lies a beast,
One that would have you as a feast,
That the blood he takes is a small sacrifice.
He is so gentle, sweet and nice.
He pushes your hair back and bites your neck;
The blood flows into his mouth like a beck.
Only then shall the spell break.
You feel the pain and the ache.
You regain control far too late,
For from this bite... death shall be your fate.
I Have One Talent At Least
I'm not much of an artist,
With a canvas and some paint.
Nor with pen and paper
(My attempts would make you faint).
As for singing, I'm sad to say,
That art I cannot hack.
I sound worse than nails
On a chalkboard coloured black.
Two left feet is what I own
If ever I try to dance.
Have you a spare right one
That I could borrow perchance?
The only thing I'm good for
Is making up strange rhymes,
As well as daft new words
Like, "Apleydoodlethymes".
So singing, drawing, dancing.
Of them I can do none.
But I'm not talentless,
For I have at least one.
Poetry's my passion -
It fills me with glee.
Yes poetry's my passion
As it's what makes me, me!
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138,001 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
You're one fine poet~
Thank you. That's so nice
Hey idefk480,
---Ok that's my full opinion for that poem, mainly you need to work on flow and word choice. Not much, very simple fix. Onto the next poem shall we...Myjaspercat here for a review...
So I want to start off by saying welcome to YWS. I cant wait to see more work and some reviews from you. Anyways, on to your poems...
Since you have multiple poems together in one post, I want to let you know that I am going to review this in sections. So, to begin we are going to start with the first one.
Pan's Shadow :
Sweet Dreams;
---Ok, so for one, I think that this poem needs a little more work. The flow is just all over the place, and so are the ideas. Your detail could be better. But don't let that discourage you, like you said you wrote this a long time ago, it just needs a little touching up. Now to the next one...
The Vampire:
---Ok, like the second poem, this needs work with the flow. Also, like the first one, I feel as if this poem would better if it was a free verse poem. The thing about free verse poems Is that they give you a little more room to breath.
I have one talent at least:
--Ok so this poem (in my opinion) is better then the rest. It does need some work, but for this one I do think that the rhyming actually helped (*gasp). Anyways, before I say anymore I want to do an overview of my opinions...
Mainly I think you could work on flow and rhythm of these poems. Like I said you don't need to rhyme in poetry, free verse is just fine; and sometimes it works better for the poem itself. Don't be afraid to try something new. All in all good job. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing---Myjaspercat
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"To have great poets, there must be great audiences." -Walt Whitman
Though I do appreciate the time and effort put into this review there are a few things that I'd like to respond to. Firstly, I wrote "who" for Pan's shadow instead of "which" deliberately to make it seem as though the shadow had a mind of it's own. I understand what you mean about the length of the words midnight and tonight but I personally thought that sounded better than any other possibilities I could think of at the time (if you have any suggestions on how I could change that, feel free to let me know).
I actually prefer having a set rhyme scheme because in my opinion it just seems lazy not to. Repetition is a good technique in writing and to me that part of my poem is quite effective so I won't be changing that.
Sweet Dreams was written when I was seven as I mentioned and I was being taught my a sub that day. He wrote the first two lines and we had to expand on that in a strict rhyming structure. For those reasons and the fact that it was my first poem I'm not going to change it. Also I apologise for any misspelled words or words that should be a capital but my laptop doesn't have spell check.
In The Vampire, the reason that I don't elaborate is because I don't need to - if they're as dark as night and night is cold then you would instantly know that his eyes would be cold. It might just be me that thinks that and if so please tell me. Again, if you can think of something better than, "That the blood he takes is a small sacrifice," don't hesitate to say and I'll consider it.
I thought that it was rather obvious that the vampire had put her under some kind of spell to stop her from trying to escape. That's why the words "even though" were used to show that the fact he was evil didn't matter because of how handsome he was and how he acted so kind to her. She would only think this if she was under a spell/enchantment.
Now to the final poem. The brackets were used to show it was a side note and that the poem could have carried on without it which is the point to brackets. You say I misspelled coloured when you clearly didn't think of the possibility of me being British which I am.
"As that's what makes me, me!" is poetry makes me be me, as in I wouldn't be the same without it. The exclamation point was to emphasise my passion of it and the comma was to separate the two me's.
For the record, the reason I don't do free verse is simply because I don't like it.
I hope that's everything and thank you again for writing the review.
I see your points. One thing though that really bothered me was the whole 'not rhyming is lazy' thing. That's not true, in fact it is harder at times to write free verse because then you actually have to think about what you are writing. Second thing, why doesn't your laptop have word check? What program did you type your poems on, cause some don't but others do. No it was not obvious that the girl was under a spell, like I said though if you elaborate your reader would get to know that better. Anyways, I'm not going to argue with you, what I said would help (and a lot). Now if you don't want to take note of my advice, or if you want to ignore feel free, but I don't appreciate taking my time and it going all to waste. I am sorry about the 'colored' thing, it slipped my mind that some spell things a little different, I hope I didn't offend you there. Anyways, my suggestion to you is to take note of other's advice'/ opinions because even though you might think that something is good others wont. I didn't write what I did just to tell you that you suck or anything cause I didn't. I wrote what I did because I know that it will help you. Anyways, when you're ready to take things and not take back on anything then message me and I would look forward to reviewing more, but while you are not taking the suggestions I give you then I'll leave you alone. Remember that you posted this for help, not to tell everyone that you really didn't need help. Anyways, sorry if I sound rude but people keep bugging me today. Good luck
Hey! ChocolateCello here! Welcome to YWS!
All of your poems were great and I hope you do some more writing soon, (Even though you just posted this).
I have a few small comments, mostly just me being picky or some minor grammar mistakes.
'Pan's Shadow' was great. The rhyming was great and it all flowed well for the most part. On the last line though, "For in Pan's glory i wish to bask.", you need to capitalize the "i".
'Sweet Dreams' was also impressive, especially if you wrote it when you were seven. Towards the end though you're rhymes were a bit off beat.
"A rowing boat
Is passing by.
I grab it with my hook
And out of the mouth I fly."
Either the first needs to be longer or the last line needs to be shorter. Additionally, "A rowing boat is passing by" should be one line. You're setting up your rhymes to go every other line and separating this sentence onto two lines throws off the pattern.
Again,
"I land on something squishy-
An octopus' head!
Then I wake up
And wonder what I'm doing out of bed."
Either the second line should be longer, or the fourth line shorter.
'The Vampire' has no significant flaws worth pointing out. Anything that I found wrong with it was nothing more than an opinion. It was very well written.
'I Have One Talent at Least', (repeating myself, I know), was great. The only thing I might suggest is changing the wording of "It makes me full of glee." to something like 'it fills me up with glee.' . "It makes me full of glee." just sounds a bit uncomfortable.
I'm not great with reviews but I hoped this helped a bit.
-ChocolateCello
Firstly thank you for taking the time to write a review. I'll correct that mistake in Pan's Shadow right away. Sweet Dreams was the first poem I'd ever written and I don't think my seven year old self would be too happy if I changed it but I appreciate your comments of it.
"It fills me up with glee," does sound a lot better so I'll be changing that soon. Thank you for your help and compliments, you've helped me quite a bit.
Glad to be able to help!