z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Ethan Phero: World Maker - Chapter One

by ickeschr


If you would have told me one year ago that my entire life would change, I probably wouldn’t have believed you. I may have hoped you were right, if my life was going to change for the better, but I never would have thought that what actually happened that day was possible. I suppose I should back up a little and explain myself.

One Year Earlier…

My name is Ethan Marcus Phero (E.M.P. I know) but it could be worse. I just turned 17 last month, May, and that was when things started to get bad. Not to say they were ever good, but for some reason my mom’s husband for two years decided it was time to make my life a living hell. When Peter, my mom’s husband (I hate saying step-father), first came into the picture, he was okay. I still kept and keep in touch with my dad, so we were always cold towards each other, but Peter was an okay guy.

Then, just after the wedding, he started getting abusive with me, but never around mom. It started out as verbal, telling me things I would rather not repeat. I thought about going to mom about it, but I knew how much he made her happy, so I didn’t. Eventually, however, it started getting violent. It began with pushing and shoving, until it escalated into punching, slapping, and really anything.

“I told you to go to bed!” I heard Peter practically scream at around 9:30 PM the that Sunday night.

“I’m studying for my finals.” I replied, which I was. I had an English final first hour, and a Pre-Cal final second.

“Go. To. Bed.” He had been standing in my doorway, and could obviously see that I was studying. As he said the words, Peter came closer to me, fist raised. “And don’t back talk me.” Punch. Right in the eye.

I know what you’re probably thinking, that I should’ve tried to defend myself. But it would have only made things worse. I just accepted my fate, punch after punch, until he was tired. Breathing heavily, Peter left my room and slammed the door behind him.

Through the pain that was practically all over my body, and the feeling of vomiting, I tasted something metallic. Groaning, I lifted my hand to my mouth and brought it back down again. Blood. I’m going to kill that thing. Peter’s not even a man I thought, smiling before wincing.

What are the people at school going to think about this? I could cover up the bruises on my arms and the rest of my body, but if I have a black eye... Peter's going to kill me if other people find out. And with that sense of fear, I eventually drifted off to sleep.

“I’m going to kill him.” My best friend Wyatt said when he saw my black eye, a week after Peter’s punching began. It was the first of June, and only a few days left until summer vacation.

“No, you’re not. Just don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.” I said sitting next to him before school started.

“Whatever. But what about your mom?” he asked.

“I tell her I get into fights on the way home.” I said shrugging.

“And she believed you? On a Monday morning when you obviously didn't have a black eye Sunday morning?” I nodded. “Un-freaking-believable. Of all people on this earth, besides me, she should know you hate conflict.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Bull.” He said as the outside bell rang, signaling the beginning of the school day. “We'll talk about this later.”

I went to my locker and grabbed my books for first and second period. As I wound my way through the interstate-like halls of my high school, people were looking at me. They were stopping in their tracks, pointing, and whispering. Great, I thought as I smiled a hello and rushed off to first period. Wyatt was already there.

I sat down next to him, and thankfully he didn’t talk about a well-thought out plan to murder my step-father and hide the body with time for lunch. We talked instead about our new favorite virtual-reality video game, The War of the Realms. More people walked into the room, stopping to talk about 'Ethan’s black eye'. The final bell rang telling everyone to sit down and wait for the announcements. But none came on, for a few minutes.

Then my English teacher walked up to my desk, followed by our new guidance counselor, a weird man who always wore gray, and the principal.

“Ethan, please come with us.” The guidance counselor said.

“Um, okay.” I said, picking up my books.

“I’m coming too.” Wyatt said, standing.

“No, you can stay here, Mister Lucas.” Principal Thomas said.

“No, I think that having him accompany Ethan would be a great idea.” Guidance counselor said. (No one knew his name. I don’t think Principal Thomas did either, to be honest.)

“Whatever. You two, my office now.” So we followed the two guys out of the English room in silence and into the office. We continued towards the principal’s office, but for whatever reason, the guidance counselor decided it would be better if we went into his. So we went into a standard-looking therapy room, with a large desk and three padded chairs in front of it.

“Sit down, boys.” Principal Thomas said, and we did.

“Now, Ethan. Where did you get that black eye?” guidance counselor asked.

“I got into a fight.” I said, not looking up. Wyatt sighed beside me.

“Something to say, Mister Lucas?” Principal Thomas asked but Wyatt didn’t say anything.

“Is everything at home alright?” guidance counselor asked, and without realizing it I must have tensed a bit, because of what he said next. “I think Ethan and I had better carry this on between us. You two can wait outside.” Wyatt and Principal Thomas left the room and shut the door behind them. “I know how things are, Ethan.” He said, causing me to look up.

“How?”

“It’s pretty obvious. But can I have a moment? Thank you.” He said, making me want to get out of here as quickly as possible, but I couldn’t move. Am I going to be killed? I thought. But instead, guidance counselor just snapped his fingers. I thought I had passed out or something because he was still wearing gray, but instead of the suit, he had a robe.

“Uh… what?” was all I could manage.

“Long story. I will tell it some day, but not now. Maybe. I don’t know. Ethan, I don’t like seeing you suffer, nobody should go through what you are right now. I can help you.”

“You do realize this sounds very creepy, right?”

“I get that a lot. But hear me out?” I nodded. “Good. We have been watching you for some time now, and decided it is time to act.”

“You’ve been watching me?” I asked, slinking down.

“Yes. But in a good way. Your endurance, patience, and overall caring personality for your mother and her happiness is outstanding. The reason I am here, however, is to help you get past this part in your life.”

“I’m listening.”

“Just a few moments ago, you saw me snap and change clothes, don’t you wonder how?”

“A little.” I admitted.

“It was magic, very simple at that.” I didn’t say anything. “We know you have such great potential, Ethan. If you will let me show you your powers.”

It sounded too good to be true, and I admit I hesitated. But then something brought back the memories of Peter and his awfulness. Whether in anger, hatred, or pure desire to get out of that mess, I nodded.

“Good. But first you must promise not to go out searching to do harm to others. These powers are yours, but I will not allow you to put others in harms’ way. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” I said a little too enthusiastically.

“I do not know how far you will go, how far you will grow. But I sense great powers in you.”

“How do I use them?” I wanted to believe this man, but I was, like any sane person, a little skeptical.

“Don't doubt yourself. This magic is used by clear commands. Any loopholes will be found, so if you want to, say bring a statue to life, well just watch me.” Guidance counselor/Magic dude said, picking up the small wooden bird that rested on his desk. “When you wake up little bird, you will believe yourself to be an enormous lion. Fast and loyal beyond measure. Wake up.” As he said it, the little bird shook itself to life, and roared. It didn’t sound like a lion, but was still cute. “There is a problem or two, if you can spot it.”

“Like what?” I asked, staring in shock at the little statue.

“I gave her the attribute of Loyalty, but did not specify who. Saying ‘me’ would have only taken a second, and added an enormous amount of help.” Then the constant smile dropped from his face. “There is something you must understand about magic, Ethan. While there are good users, like me and you, there are also evil ones. If you had this little thing on your side, and an evil user discovered you did not specify its Loyalty, that person could easily manipulate her mind to fight for evil. And then they could add onto the Loyalty spell. So be careful.”

“Oh.” I said, making a mental note.

“Are you ready, then?”

“I guess.” I said, preparing myself for whatever was next. He walked over to me and put one hand on either side of my head.

“Close your eyes.” I did. Above me I heard unintelligible whispering before his hands moved away.

“Is that it?” I asked, keeping my eyes closed.

“Almost.” He said. I could hear him backing away a few feet. “Open!” He practically yelled.

Even though we were in the middle of a building, I felt a heavy wind rush through the room and swirl around me, I don’t know about guidance counselor/magic dude. I kept my eyes shut, though, until he said to open them. When I did, everything seemed to stand out to me. Colors seemed more vivid and loud.

“Everything alright?” he asked, looking at me warily.

“I think soo-ow.” I said, falling out of the chair as a massive wave of pain shot through my head.

“What is it?” he asked. I couldn’t reply, and I have no idea how long I lay there until the pain subsided. “I’ve never seen that happen. Tell me what happened during the Opening.”

“There was a-ow-heavy wind that blew around me. Didn’t you feel it?” I asked,

“No. But I’m sure that’s nothing to be worried about.” He said, but his expression said otherwise.

“What now?” I asked.

“As the day goes on, your powers will become clearer to you. I would try to stay away from people who hurt you, at least for today. Any sort of excitement can be very dangerous the day of the Opening. When you leave this room, my office will disappear. That will be nothing to be alarmed about, because when it happens, I will have never been here.”

“How?”

“Magic, of course. Hasn’t it ever occurred to you as to why I never revealed my name? That’s because I was here for one reason, and one reason only.”

“What was that?” I asked.

“To help you. Now go and safely enjoy your new found magic.”

I walked out of the office, and when I looked back, there was only wall. Wyatt and Principal Thomas were standing in front of me, confused expressions on their faces.

“What are you two boys doing here?” he asked. “Get back to class.” But as he said it, another wave of pain shot through my head, causing me to drop to one knee.

“Ethan!” I heard Wyatt exclaim.

“Mister Phero, what is it?”

“Terrible headache.” I managed when it passed and I could stand.

“I think you should see the nurse. Mister Lucas, would you please escort him?” So we made our way to the nurse who immediately told me to go home. Wyatt cast me a nervous look.

“Can I go with him?” he asked.

“No, only Ethan. Sorry Wyatt.” She said, giving me the slip to get out of school.

At the school doors I said goodbye for now to Wyatt, who only nodded. I walked to the parking lot and got into my car. I went as fast as I could manage and couldn't get out of the car fast enough. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
214 Reviews


Points: 14468
Reviews: 214

Donate
Sat Aug 22, 2015 8:12 pm
artybirdy wrote a review...



My name is Ethan Marcus Phero (E.M.P. I know) but it could be worse. I just turned 17 last month, May, and that was when things started to get bad.

That wasn’t an original way to start the story. I have read countless stories starting with, “Hi my name is . . .,” and that means that the character is interacting with the reader, when that’s not the case. I’d avoid such an introduction and, instead, resort to showing a day of his life as a way to establish his character before the real plot kicks in.

You describe the guidance counsellor as “weird” and that tells us little about his character. Perhaps, you could take some time to show us how and why Ethan thinks he’s weird. What makes him weird?
“You’ve been watching me?” I asked, slinking down.

What else could Ethan be feeling or thinking about when the guidance counsellor said that?
It sounded too good to be true, and I admit I hesitated. But then something brought back the memories of Peter and his awfulness. Whether in anger, hatred, or pure desire to get out of that mess, I nodded.

It’s kind of unrealistic how quickly he believes the guidance counsellor’s words. Here, you could add more doubts or questions, so we know he’s considering everything carefully.
Colors seemed more vivid and loud.

What else could have changed after his powers were awakened? We need a little more description here because it felt as if you brushed over the details.

I noticed a couple of grammatical and punctuation errors, but it’s nothing a quick edit can’t fix. Right now, as it’s the beginning, I can’t really say much. But, you should know that it has certainly kept me hooked. I’m interested to know how Ethan copes with his powers and how he gets out of his bad situation at home. I can see a lot of action-packed chapters coming up. There’s a lot of potential in this story, all it needs is a little more attention.

Well done, and keep writing!




ickeschr says...


Thanks for the review! I took the advice to add more details where you suggested.



artybirdy says...


No problem at all! Glad I could help. If you'd like me to review more chapters, let me know.



User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 2564
Reviews: 38

Donate
Sat Aug 22, 2015 3:35 am
Pinkratgirl wrote a review...



“If you would have told me one year ago today…” It would sound better if it was written as “If you had told me one year ago…”
I would remove “(E.M.P, I know)” because I have no idea what you are talking about and I have a feeling most readers will not understand it too. I looked up “E.M.P” and all the results had to do with Electromagnetic Pulses and missiles which I assume is not what you meant.
Don’t have Ethan narrate at the beginning. It makes your story seem like a badly written fan-fiction and personally, it makes me cringe.
Don’t give away so much information at the beginning. Make it so we slowly realize that Ethan is being abused. To do that, drop subtle hints that he is being abused like: “I pull my sleeve down to cover a bruise.” Have Ethan try to keep the fact that he is being abused a secret because he is afraid if someone found out and Peter got word of it he would kill him. That way it makes it seem like Ethan is scared of Peter.
“Eventually, however, it started getting violent.” It would easier to read if it was written as “But, after a while it started getting violent.”
If he is screaming it, it should end with an exclamation point.
“I heard Peter practically scream at 9:30 PM the night before the last week of school started.” Don’t be so specific, it would be easier to read as “I heard Peter yell at 10pm that Sunday night.”
“Punch. Right in the eye.” You need to rewrite that because it is too choppy and short.
“I know, what you’re probably thinking,” the comma after “I know” is unnecessary.
“that” after “probably thinking,” is unnecessary.
The comma after “body” is unnecessary.
“but I have no idea what time it” “have” should be “had.”
“interstate-like” try to find a different way to describe the hallways because that sounds weird.
This review is already extremely long so I’m going to stop here. No offense, but you should probably look over this again and correct your mistakes.





Pigeon poop is the best way to solve problems.
— Pompadour