Published November 11, 2011
One fearful frightful winter day
I gazed out once into the gray
And there down by the sea
A little boy sat watching me
I strode toward him
And asked him what's wrong?
His answer simple, hidden in this song
My life sucks don’t you see?
Whats the point of life, to me?
Fate ignores me every day,
And my parents allow me no say
No one understands me, the hurt I feel
Deep in my soul, the pain’s quite real
I won't bother explaining to you
You’re just like all the others too
False, fake and phony
Leaving in my head, cacophony
Let me be alone forever
I need you not, here now or ever
Headphones on, he turned from me
Lost in thoughts he faced the sea
As the waves rolled in, I let him be
Alone alone forever
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140,826 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey there,
I really loved this poem and how descriptive it was. The images that you had running through my head were very clear. There's only one part that detached me a little bit:
"My life sucks don’t you see?"
The word "sucks" sounded a bit too informal or slang in that phrase, when the rest of the poem was fairly formal.
Other than that, excellent job with this and keep writing!
~Sharitm2
Hey there,
I really loved this poem and how descriptive it was. The images that you had running through my head were very clear. There's only one part that detached me a little bit:
"My life sucks don’t you see?"
The word "sucks" sounded a bit too informal or slang in that phrase, when the rest of the poem was fairly formal.
Other than that, excellent job with this and keep writing!
~Sharitm2
Hi!
I thought that this poem had an enormous amount of meaning to it! I loved the picture it painted in my mind. There would be only one thing I might change. The ending seemed a bit abrupt to me.. But other than that, I love it! Good job
Keep writing!
~chezka
Hi there icanhassuicide....? Uh,that's an unusual name. *tilts head*
Okay, let's get to your writing. Even though I'm not a fan of emo poetry, cause I'd rather be happy, I have no doubt, and you shouldn't have any doubt either,that you are a great writer. I think there are a few commas misplaced and some are missing,but that's no biggie, you just re-read and edit.
And there's one thing about one of the lines: "And asked him what's wrong?" I think it'd be better saying, "And I asked him, "What's wrong?"" or you could say, "And I asked him what was wrong." That'd help the reader, and you'd get more kudos for being an awesome writer.
~Solly<3
this is a great poem i love the words you used you gave it personallity and you reallly know how to write a good poem so congats and keeep up with the goood workk and nether listen to mean comments just listen to the nice comments so goood work ***********panda21***********
Very nicely expressed .Indeed today's generation has to cope up with the pressure of growing up too soon which leaves them no time to sit and enjoy this phase of life.Competition,jealousy ,hatred ,peer pressure has waten into their lifestyles and depression,resort to suicide,drugs , seems to be the new option available to adoloscents.The society has to now turn back look at our youth polulaiton and ensure that they live healthy lifestyles so that the future of our country is not compromised