Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is a powerful little scene that you've got yourself right here. I think you do a pretty solid job in terms of foreshadowing this little incident, showcasing all the fear around it and then of course ending with that chance that it has all just gone horribly wrong.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Lifeless cars rested on the sides of the roads, snow-covered and cold. All of them were dark and made me shiver, but i could never turn myself away. One after another showed me what could happen in a split second.
The truck's wheels didn't exactly have good traction on the roads. Every stop, every turn was chilling to the bone. I clenched the edge of my seat with white knuckles, keeping still as if that would help the road's quality.
Well this is quite the powerful start here. Given the title, this is a much darker start than what I had in mind, but it certainly doesn't make this any less powerful as a result. We've got some lovely imagery there and I think it conveys its message quite loud and clear here.
"Mom," I said, my teeth chattering, "turn on the heater. I swear you're going to kill me before tomorrow morning's light!" She pressed the wrong button, and the stereo magically blared my favorite song. I let myself relax and felt the warm air hug me. I began to sing, as all teenage girls do when they hear their favorite song. "Hey, soul sister..." I sang with a smile.
Our truck skidded to a hasty stop on a busy street corner, smaller cars hesitantly busting out of their own spots to make sure they were both safe and still moving. The upward slope had sheets of ice that threatened to slide underneath our weight, to pull us and a couple other cars down into snow banks that hid curbs and medians. My warm feelings melted away.
Hmm well things are certainly going up and down quite fast here. We get that one single moment of respite where our character is just enjoying their favorite song and trying to forgot about what's going on around them before suddenly we're right back where we started with the fear.
Slowly, my mother applied the gas and inched forward... we were almost up the hill, and I heard a crack. Reflexes made me suck in air as fast as possible, making an obnoxious gasping sound. The white road in front of us split in half, showing pavement underneath, and the truck began to slide down...
My vision went dark.
I heard a voice from somewhere above me, I could feel something like cold hands against my back, pinching me everywhere. When I realized it was snow I felt the need to jump up and look for my mom, who could be anywhere in the four-foot snow. Pain in the back of my head told me otherwise. Standing up too quick could mean blacking out again, if I had a concussion.
Oh dear...well that was at the very least not exactly the most surprising direction for this to take. Given the kind of imagery we were going with at the start, this was pretty much the only inevitable ending that we could have for this and I think you've done great here in terms of showcasing the aftermath as this person is trying to make sense of what just happened.
The voice pierced my ears again. "Hey, kid," the voice said.
Hmm... male.. I thought. I opened my eyes, and turned towards the sound. He was a boy, around fifteen, with shaggy brown hair and broad shoulders.
"Oh, you're not a kid... sorry," he said, his cheeks turning rosier, "Well, what's you're name then? So I don't have to call you Lady." He smiled.
Okay...well that went through the full range of emotions there. Some sort of terrifying presences of someone finding this person, then the mildly comforting one of someone having to come to help and then the mildly creepy direction there to the very wend.
I tried to smile back but I didn't want to speak. I wanted to find my mother. Now was not a time for flirting, even if he was exceptionally cute, it was a time to figure out what was going on. Flashing lights to my right looked like cautions, but they could have been police lights as well. Forcing myself to stand up I looked the boy in the eye and told him my name was Clyde. It worked for the occasion. "Hey, have you seen a woman that looks almost exactly like me only in her late thirties?"
"Erm, yeah, but the Tow-truck took her and your little Ford back to your place about half an hour ago. I talked to her, she said to keep an eye on you until you regained consciousness. She said your dad was on his way to pick you up from here."
My mom? Leave me here in the black? Freezing cold? Unconscious? No, that wasn't her. She was still here. I knew her. "She didn't make it out of that tumble did she? Did she?!?" The idea brought tears to my face, but my truck was still there. This boy must have been in the car behind us.
Okay.... that's a little confusing there towards the end. I don't know quite where you're going with this. It might simply be me not reading this carefully enough, but while it seems you want to hint at the chance that this person just died in some fashion its hard to see if that's what happened or if the boy is right because the description there of the "little blue Ford" and then a truck are just a little contradictory at the moment.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think you've got a very powerful scene right there. It definitely manages to convey quite a powerful message I think. The ending could perhaps do with a little bit more sorting out so that its a bit clear, but I can still get the gist of what you are aiming for and it is quite powerful. I think it works equally well as a cliffhanger for a part of a larger story or just on its own as an ending.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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