Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Heavy snow beats mercilessly onto Marcelo’s thickly bound back. His boots struggle to find proper traction on the forest’s floor, which was nearly frozen solid. Had he any say in his mother’s decision to send him after his sister, he’d have refused until he was blue in the face. These were not the conditions he was used to. The Center Territories hardly ever saw a flurry of snow, nor did the temperature ever drop below freezing, so of course entering the Southern Territories was a shock to his system. His sister was fully capable of finding her own way out of it. This was, after all, her realm.
“I suppose that’s a benefit to being mummy’s favorite,” He grouses. He knew directing his anger at Alicia and her Territory was inappropriate of him, but he just couldn’t help it. The cold had chilled him to the bone, causing him to break into sudden bouts of uncontrollable shivering as the thick, icy tendrils of frigid air infiltrated the warmth he had managed to create between himself and his thick furs, seeping into his clothes and skin. Worst of all, the heavy downfall showed no sign of letting up.
He turns his gaze skyward, flinching as the thick snowflakes tickle his face with their light, damp caresses. The sky wasn’t visible past the initial onslaught of white that viciously attacked Marcelo’s already freezing face. With a resigned huff, he lowers his chin to his chest and trudges on, knowing full well he would reach his sister soon enough.
He was relieved to find her just outside her small cabin, swinging a mighty axe nearly as big as she was. Her long, red robes are coated in a thin layer of ice and snow, evidence of how long she’d been working in the cold.
“Alicia,” Marcelo greets her with a smile, his voice warm despite the past few hours of misplaced annoyance he had felt towards his sweet sister.
“Marcelo!” she returns happily, propping her axe against the stack of whole logs she had set aside. “What are you doing here?” she asks. Then, “Aren’t you cold? Please, please come in to warm up?”
He allows himself to be pulled into her home, her tiny hand only encircling a portion of his thick forearm; the warmth of her cabin seemed to chill him worse than the cold had. Goosebumps sprout over the lengths of his arms under the thick furs and a bout of shivers wracks his spine.
She immediately begins tending to him. She removes the furs from his rigid limbs, and then pulls him almost dangerously close to the fire pit. The flames reach out for him, beckoning him with their graceful movement and soothing warmth. His eyes lull closed, the comforting heat quickly covering his bare arms and chest. His pants slowly begin thawing, the ice that melded the cloth to the hair on his legs now beginning to melt and run into his boots. He brushes the ice out of his hair, feeling a bit guilty for the wet mess he was creating all over her floor.
“So, brother, what are you doing here? Other than making a mess of my floor, that is,” Alicia questions with a sly grin as she sits on the hardwood floor next to him, holding her palms out to the flames that lazily licked the top of the stone fireplace.
“Mother sent me. She’d figured you’d forgotten about the meeting she’d arranged for today,” he replies. His eyes flicker over to watch her remember the long forgotten information. Her eyebrows furrow, then as a slight blush takes up residence on her cheeks.
“What’s the meeting for, again?” she asks, a bit sheepish.
Marcelo’s expression twists into a slight grimace as his gaze returns to the fire. “Another dozen cattle were found gutted just outside the Center Territories’ gates. They were discovered this morning by a group of children. She decided we couldn’t wait for the bimonthly meeting. It needs to be dealt with as soon as possible.” His usually warm green eyes have taken up a look of distant worry.
“We’d better get moving, then,” Alicia says softly, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I’d hate to keep Mother and the others waiting.”
He nods once in agreement, though makes no move to stand, reluctant to remove himself from the comforting heat of the fire. After a moment, Alicia impatiently nudges him with a booted foot. “Come on then, Marcelo, we haven’t got all day,” she quips, pulling her hood up over her head and exiting the cabin in a flourish, her robes swirling gracefully around her body.
He lets out a long-suffering sigh as he stands and pulls on his furs. “Come on then, Marcelo, we haven’t got all day,” he mocks in a hushed falsetto as he trudges out the door, out of the welcoming warmth and back into the embrace of the jarring cold.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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This's dwelt in the Green Room a while, so I thought I'd poke around. Absolutely loved it. Perfect fusion of dialogue and narration, description and action, passive voice and active voice. And the pacing is well-measured, the paragraphs broken in accordance to the action.
I also recognize the courage required to write a fantasy in present tense and third person POV. Third person forces more character interaction, forces the author to exercise subtlety in the introduction of characters. I only spotted a couple grammar errors...
As the beginning of a speaker's tag, "he" should be uncapitalized, but I reckon you already know that.
Sorry for the huge chunk, but I had to point out that you switched to past tense here.
The question mark should be replaced with a period.
The only fault I really find with this is the length of your descriptions. Well, mainly the fact that they're loaded with adjectives, prepositions, and adverbs. Readers are attracted to briefer clauses - sad but true fact. You should also cut out any details that aren't essential to the meaning:
It sounds pretty, but it's an unnecessary amount of words. I also sensed a cliche: "The cold had chilled him to the bone."
And that's all I have. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to more!