Cars and several people crowded Seventh Avenue. Sam and Janna, walked across the busy street looking for a place. They noticed both street vendors and passersby sheltering themselves with umbrellas, as the thunderclouds covered the sky. There was a small coffee shop named Couffles few steps away from where they were. It was one of the most popular coffee shops in town, and it was always jam-packed. The sign outside the store caught Sam's attention. The sign read, Try our new Cold Summer Coffee!, offering the shop's newest best-seller coffee. They headed to the shop and went inside. Mellow music surrounded the cozy place. Sam looked around to spot an empty table where they could sit.
"Oh, I think we can stay here", he told her.
The boy pulled out the chair and offered it to her, waiting until she grabbed it.
"Thank you," she said.
They both sat down and there was silence for a while.
"Uhmm...s-s-o wha-a-t are your plans fo-r the rest of the vacation?", the boy asked in his stuttering voice.
"Spend more time with my friends here and prepare for the enrollment, I think", she said with a smile.
The boy breathed deeply; it seemed like he was trying to say something, but he was stopped by her smile, her simple yet meaningful smile.
"How about you?", she asked.
The boy could not look straight on her face,
Ahh...yeah. I mean me too... and-" he paused.
(REVIEWS included.)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Heya
Here to review as requested!
I didn't really like this as an opening to your prologue. The opening lines of a story are actually very important, believe it or not. If you have good opening lines, they will draw your readers in, instantly making them want to read on. That is something that you always want to achieve when writing a story. The problem that I found with these lines as the fact that you seemed to be telling and not showing. You said that the traffic was heavy, there were a lot of people and the weather was gloomy. Don't tell us all of these things though; show us. You also don't need the comma that I highlighted in red.
I thought that this would look better in italics.
Overall
I have to say, this wasn't the best prologue I've ever read. It wasn't bad, I just think that it could have been better! Because this isn't the longest piece, I can't really critique it very well. I will try my best though! Plus, you've already got some pretty nice critiques here and I don't want to repeat what has already been mentioned. Although there were things that you could definitely improve on, there were some pluses to this. Your grammar, for example, was very good most of the time. Your dialogue punctuation was really good, unlike me who cannot use dialogue punctuation to save my life.
That's my main critique, really. I find that this needs to be a bit more descriptive. Although prologues are meant to be short and rather vague, I found that this one was a bit too vague and you didn't really have enough details. What I said on the beginning is a good example of this. You mentioned the fact that there was heavy traffic, lots of people and you said that the weather was gloomy. That's the problem though, you told us these things!
The second one was better, right? What I did there was show what was happening, how my character was feeling and the atmosphere. I didn't simply say that the sky was dark and everything was depressing, I showed how it was dark and depressing. I also included more than one sense. I included the fact that everything was silent, the smell of sea water was in the air, that the pebbles were hard, and I also described everything that was to be seen.
Overall, this definitely does have potential, in my opinion. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said and edit this a bit. If you do that, you will definitely be able to have a really good piece of writing here!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey there jemo! I'm here to revie like you asked. All of my comments and corrections will be in pink.
All in all,
There's nothing that happened here. All they did was sit in a coffee shop and talk. I don't know how this is even considered a chapter of anything. Nothing happened. And in all honesty, it was boring and pointless. Anyway, you seemed to need some help on dialogue tags, so here's a link that should help you out. Also, are the '...' things supposed to be him stuttering or him hesitating? Because it's really unclear to me as to what it is. See you in the next part. Dialogue Punctuation Help.
PM me if you have any questions. Keep writing!
Always,
~Danie.
I am here to review like you asked. Before I start I have to tell you if I repeat something someone else already said I am sorry, but I don't have time to read all the other comments.
So, overall this is great, though as a prologue it didn't tell much about what the story was going to be like.
Hope I helped,
A. S.
Hi there! Here to review! First off, I love it! It catches my attention in some unknown way. But its very very good. Second, in the first paragraph, it sounds like you're making a list. You said:
The first part captures my attention the most. It's like you put a short piece of it in, then a period. Then another piece, then a period. Describe it more. Not simply "A lot of people were walking down the street." Say it like you're describing what a beautiful piece of clothing looks like. Say, "They noticed several people along the sidewalk, sheltering themselves with newspapers and umbrellas, from the rain that had picked up."
I know I'm not the best writer in the world, and maybe not even the best person to be giving pointers, but try to describe things more. Use plenty of detail. You don't have to go as far as what the little blades of grass growing in the cracks on the sidewalk looked like, but try to be very descriptive. You could always go back and take a piece out if you don't like it.
I love it! Make sure you spell ALL of your word correctly, and use good grammar! If you use first person in one paragraph, try to use it throughout the chapter as well! It's confusing when you skip around with points of view all in one little chapter. Not saying that it isn't good, but it complicates it for the reader. I noticed you didn't do that, and you stuck with 3rd person.
Another thing, you only say "The boy" and you don't use his name. Is that for a reason, or just because you didn't notice you were doing it? Same with "The girl".
One part I didn't understand to well:
Did you mean "Seeming like he was trying to say something" or were you changing from past to present? That's another thing you have to watch. It's easy to change it on yourself in the middle of a story. But make sure you check yourself. If you do it in past style, keep it did not do unless its in a quote, had not has unless in a quote, and smiled not smiles unless in a quote. That's just to name a few.
All together, I love it so much! And I'm off to read the next part! Any questions on my review, don't hesitate! Even the best of people, not saying that I am, mess up! That's the only way to make it better. "A fail isn't a fail, it's just another way not to do it."
Thank you,
~Tabitha~
Hey,
Maybe you could change some of the words?I loved this conversation it was a great way to start off the story. The adverbs you used really helped the words flow, and you did a great job at creating your setting. Even though it was short you still managed to characterize the characters with your choice of words.
Though this sentence seems a little off to me.
Try "In his stuttering voice" instead of with because that makes it sound like he is always stuttering.
I love this sentence. You just missed a word.
This definitely leaves the reader hanging.
I hope this helps. Keep it up!
Hi, Jemo! I saw your story on home page and I liked the title, so I started reading it. I said to myself "This rocks!" then I realized his author was iamjemo and I started laughing!
The traffic is quite heavy, a bunch of people walking down the street. This is a gloomy afternoon, a rain might come down in a while. Sam and Janna #FF0000 ">are looking for a place where they can stay as they walk across the busy street. Two blocks from where they are is a small coffee shop named Couffles. It is one of the most popular coffee shops in town, that is why it is always full. The sign outside the store caught Sam's attention. It says, "Try our new Cold Summer Coffee!", offering the shop's newest best-seller coffee. They headed to the shop and went inside. Mellow music surrounds the cozy place. Sam looks around finding an available table where they can stay.
"Oh, I think we can stay here", he told her.
The boy pulled the chair and offered it to her, waiting until she grab it. #FF0000 ">I like this part! LOL
"Thank you.", she said.
"Whew.. Am I really dating with her or what? So what now, Sam", he asked himself.
They both sat down and there was silence for a while.
"Uhmm.. So what are your plans for the rest of the vacation?", the boy asked with his stuttering voice.
"Spend more time with my friends here and prepare for the #FF0000 ">enrolment enrollment, I think", she said with a smile.
The boy breathed deeply; seems like trying to say something. But, he was stopped by her smile, her simple yet meaningful smile.
"How about you?", she asked.
The boy sneaked a sight of her face and answered with his eyes looking somewhere else,
"Ahh.. Yeah. I mean, with my friends also.. And..", he paused.
#FF0000 ">Awww, it's so sweet, in the Chapter II of my story "Unfortunately... I love you" the main characters had a conversation like this. I love it, so keep it on!
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
Alright, now I read your piece and I think that your grammar needs a lot of work. I am guessing that English is not your first language. So, I made some adjustments to your first paragraph which needs some work,
You wrote
This is how I would write it,
The words in colour are the corrections I made. The rest of the piece also needs some work. I also think your work needs some suspense, you know, something to keep the reader glued to your story.
My strong suggestion to you is that you read as many texts as you can and also keep on writing to practice and get familiar and improve your grammar.
I hope I helped a little
PM me for any questions or anything.
Ziggie