Published June 25, 2010
Bond of mutual hearts and minds,
Restores in every circumstance.
On the times of various adventures,
They learn together; share with each other.
Home of common interests, deeds and thoughts,
Established and firmly founded.
Reasons for every reason,
Sustain a lifetime commitment.
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Canary word: Present
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Hey there, Jemo!
I'm going to have to agree with these two loverly ladies before me... This needs some work.
Not very much! Well, it kind of depends on how you think about it. For one, you don't have to change the idea you have at all--really, it's a great idea, and one that I can relate to! But also, I would suggest rewriting this entirely. You need to come at this from a different angle, one that gives you and your readers a broader perspective.
In order to do this, you first need to work on your tense. You go from one tense and then half-switch to another until I don't know what the heck you mean by anything. Stick with one and make sure you don't switch to another midway through. : )
Secondly, work on how you word things. Each line seems like a separate idea, as if you're just throwing down random thoughts without any consideration for structure or flow. Take one idea at a time and sloooowly write about it, and then go sloooowly into the next idea. It always gives you more time to think about what you're trying to say, and often gives you better ideas!
-Knightley
Hey, iamjemo! Nice to meet you.
This poem has a nice idea behind it, but I feel that you didn't pull it off to its highest potential. I agree with Snoink when she says that most of the words in your poem seem sort of abstract. They are very important words of brotherhood, but without being fully explained or thought out, they don't really have much meaning to me, the reader.
If I didn't see the title to this poem, I wouldn't have known it was about brotherhood. Maybe tell the poem from a different point of view, of an old man looking back, or a brother remembering his life...I dunno, just something to really capture our attention!
Nice work. Keep at it.
~Mizz
Hey iamjemo!
I think you need to have more concrete things in this poem. Most of this poem contains almost completely abstract concepts, such as bonds, circumstance, adventures, home, commitments... obviously, these are important words, but they aren't very well explained and thus seem vague and disconnected from any sense of reality. Tying this into an action -- even a little one -- would be very helpful for tying this up better.