Published September 8, 2007
Kitty stared down into the murky, cavernous well. It was the only feature she really liked about this new house. Compared to the ready-to-cave-any-second roof, her cracked bedroom window, the creaky screen doors, and the rats-oh the RATS!- the well was a plus; even if it was old and smelly.
“Ya betta watch yaself kid!” The rickety old voice of the rickety old man startled Kitty, nearly causing her to jump right into the well.
“Umm… excuse me?” said Kitty, who was not used to the idea of strange old men appearing out of nowhere in her backyard.
“Watch yaself,” he repeated. “That well’s dangerous. I reckon it’s haunted too.”
“Haunted?”
“Mhmm. Ya see,” said the old man, “A few years ago, a little girl about your age fell down that very same well.” Now he whispered, “Sometimes at night, when its reeeeal quiet, I think I hear her crying out for help.”
There was a long pause. The birds chirped. The smell of the well water drifted through the yard. A rat scurried across the patio.
Finally, Kitty said, “Well, I’d better go inside now.” She sprinted inside, and into her tiny, dim bedroom. She watched from the cracked window until she saw the old man leave.
What a creepy old man, she thought to herself. She quickly dismissed the thought. After all, what was one crazy old man anyways? He was probably just confused, as many elderly folks are. She let out a long yawn. Time for bed, she thought. Moving sure is hard work.
Kitty woke up in the middle of the night, hearing a rather loud thumping noise outside. It sounded almost like a hammer striking stone. She considered getting up to check out the source of the noise, but soon it stopped, and so there was no need. She fell back asleep within minutes.
***
The next morning, Kitty awoke to sunshine streaming through her broken window and the sound of rats stirring from a deep sleep. Her parents had already gone off to work, she discovered, leaving her alone.
After two hours of television, Kitty got bored and decided to go outside. She was immediately drawn to her favorite part of the yard- the well. It almost looked like it was in even worse shape today than it was yesterday. It almost looked as if it was cracked…by a hammer. But, she reminded herself, it was crazy to think this was connected with the noise last night. She put the thought out of her mind and sat down on the wall of the well.
Within seconds, Kitty found herself tumbling down into the blackness of the well. She cried out for help, but nobody answered her calls. And then she knew no more.
***
Angela found herself staring into the bottom of a mysterious, shadowy well. It was her favorite part about the new house, considering the entire place was falling apart, and the rats were everywhere. In a moment of silence, she thought she heard someone calling out for help. But there was nobody around but an old man…
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140,287 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a rather intriguing story. The ending definitely creeped the hell out of me. But I don't think that is a necessarily bad, if that is the kind of reaction you were trying to elicit from your readers. The plot was a little predictable although, I had really thought that we would see Kitty solve the mystery of the well. I never thought that she would fall prey to it as well.
I know another reviewer already pointed this out, but as openings go, this was a pretty bland one. It does not really catch the reader's attention and make them want to go on. First lines always play the very important task of acting as hooks that pull in the readers and make them want to stay for the end of the story. They are kind of the first impression that determines whether they will be interested or not in your story.
The introduction of the old man was a bit sudden, but considering that this is a horror story, of course, we just have to have a creepy old man making some kind of a dangerous prediction that freaks out the main character but that she still chooses to ignore anyways. I do wish that you had sneaked in some kind of a description here. Maybe you could have described the physical appearance of the old man, made it a little ghastly and used that to introduce a sense of horror into the story. Otherwise, it feels like we are reading a script where only the actions and dialogues take place. Even scripts have descriptions which is lacking in your story.
Bottom line is, you have to add some more emotion. Otherwise, the text will feel bland and it will not hold the interest of the readers for long. The fact that the story was so rushed also did not work in your favor. There was no space for character realizations or mystery or even horror which is what the story is centered around.
This entire part happened so fast, that I did not even know how to feel about it. I stopped for a second there, trying to decide what I should feel - scared or nervous or sad at her death? Your readers will not be able to make up their minds either because they do not care about the main character enough to actually show some emotion at this plot development. This is why it is very important to establish a character and build that connection between them and the readers before jumping into the plot.
I liked how this repetition worked in favor of the story. Somehow it manages to carry across the feeling of fear and trepidation that the rest of the story fails to do. It also makes me wonder why people willingly keep on renting that place if they are aware of its dark history.
Overall, this was a good story. It just lacked a lot of details that would have been instrumental in transforming the text into a very good story. If you include more descriptions, more personal thoughts and most importantly more emotions, then I am sure it will work a lot better. You have all the points here, you just need to expand on them and stitch it all together into an excellent story.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Auk...not a very good way to grab your reader's attention. I mean in a Simpsons episode where Marge is writing a novel called "The Harpooned Heart", the word "stared" was mentioned and the way it was used, it sounded cliche. I think a better hook could be used than just that.
Info dumping. Doesn't really engage me into the story. Showing the house would be more effective.
God so cliche. I've heard dialogue similar to that many times on television and when I was young.
This can be expanded more. It felt like it just randomly happen without adding realism.
Review:
One word to describe this story: Rushed. It felt as though it was written in about fifteen minutes. There was hardly any emotion of characters, no character development, lack of details and you just basically slammed the plot into my face.
The story itself was cliche too. I mean some old man warns your main character that something bad dwells beneath the well. It's been done to death and the theme of something bad in a well is overused. Period.
I advise you to come up with a more original plot, avoiding the cliches. Show us what happens, don't tell and add more personality and emotion into your characters. Kitty is flat as pancakes at the moment so give her some depth.