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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
How do you do I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, this poem come across to me as all state never explain see your poem falls into the category of show don't tell, you tell us everything never really explain, it easy enough to go on list these things constantly. And sadly that's what happens and what result of this is the readers inevitably bored, and that's even before your major deep thought at the end, by now the readers don't care either way what this about as by now you've ignored them for too long.
Let me explain, this isn't deep nor insightful it's just a list of things wrong that you never try touch on or capture with metaphors, instead you rinse repeat and hope it sounds good, I've a message for you it doesn't and it look lazy.
Overall, this piece didn't impress me, and you point lost at the end because you lost the readers, once you lose the readers no one cares, and it becomes a chore for them to read. Sorry if this sounds harsh.
Hope it helps.