z

Young Writers Society



chances

by hyacinth104


Lena, Catherine and Ivanka have been best friends from three different backgrounds. But the time had finally come for them to go their separate paths. Lena is getting married and moving to Sierra Nevada where most of her in laws are. Catherine finally fulfils her dream as a fashion designer, but Ivanka remains ordinary, with ordinary job, ordinary life and nothing exciting. Feeling left out as her other two friends’ ambitions have taken over, she embarks on a journey to discover herself.

Chapter 1: ‘mind your own business’

Serenely nestled at the corner of the bedroom were teddy bears of assorted colours that reminded Lena of the carebears. With gratitude, she grabbed them and studied them, remembering them to be a gift from a boyfriend from college, but more memorable because Ivanka would fluff them and take care of them, making sure that their presence was felt and because Catherine would make fun of them all the time. That was all ancient history and although they’d still kept close to each other, Lena was aware that they’d become adults and certain changes that would mean they would have to sacrifice each other were drawing ever closer.

Like yesterday, at her wedding, it was official that Catherine and Ivanka were going to be far away from her and for the first time, they wouldn’t see each other in ages.

While that very thought had been disconcerting for Lena, she wasn’t too sorry as she had finally gotten the life she’d dreamed of for years. Yesterday had been the happiest day of her life and now she was standing here in her room, packing everything that she cared about to take them along with her to the mountains where she was moving with the husband whom she wedded yesterday. Before she could sink deeper in her thoughts, she heard the footsteps of about two people approaching. Smile on her face, she stood and walked to the door, already knowing who was coming. She opened the door and was greeted with the familiar faces that she held so dear to her heart.

“I think that’s everything,” Ivanka began, stepping inside and bending to pick up the rest of the boxes, unattended for some time now. Catherine came around to help her and stopped as she noticed the teddy bears on the floor that Lena had been holding. She picked them up, all bunched in her arms. She walked to her friends and dropped them on the bed.

“Hey!” Ivanka cried, rushing to the bed and picking them up. Catherine and Lena exchanged glances and the both of them giggled, now each one holding a teddy bear.

“oh I remember how these used to make me laugh,” Catherine reminisced, holding the teddy bear before her eyes and shaking a few times as if expecting a quarter to fall out eventually. Ivanka straightened out the little material the bears wore, trying to make it neat. As Lena watched them, she shook her head, not believing that her friends could be so childish.

“okay guys that’s enough,” she said, grabbing each bear out of their hands and dumped them back on the bed. Catherine and Ivanka both gave strange looks.

“Come on,” Lena giggled, “it’s enough. For crying out loud we’re approaching thirty and you guys are still acting like little girls.” She crossed the room to close all the boxes in which she packed her things and closed them up.

“well. I’m going to miss you too Lee.

i havent finished this story but i want to know what is the feeling so far. is it good or bad writing.


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Thu Jan 22, 2009 6:50 pm
asxz wrote a review...



Your grammar's a bit off, and you haven't poster two reviews. The forum has a 2/1 posting rule, you have to review two pieces of work before you can post your own, to keep the balance even.

I did notice that there were a couple of sentences that sounded weired, are didn't fit in with your writing style:

Lena was aware that they’d become adults and certain changes that would mean they would have to sacrifice each other were drawing ever closer.

Like yesterday, at her wedding, it was official that Catherine and Ivanka were going to be far away from her and for the first time, they wouldn’t see each other in ages.



You use words like "ages", and "Like yesterday", when you are trying to make your character sound grown up. Perhaps, they wouldn't be "seeing each other for a long time", and "It happened just yesterday, on the most important day of her life."

Hope I have been of help!





You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott