z

Young Writers Society


12+

the beginning of my descent

by hwrites


She ran towards me once we met eyes. I could hear her toes on the pavement as she sprinted and they shook me to the core. In all honestly, I was not ready to start my demise. In more honesty, I was not ready to begin hers.

Her high pitch voice spoke sharply, inhaling quickly and rambling out her words in a jumbled mess. She proclaimed the melancholy times, the bleak times, the only times of beauty. The shriek of her words contrasted the mature and grown quality of the phrase-- she was stuck in her childish nature only by nature and she could not escape.

I put my hand on her waist and embraced her frame. It was too hard to look her in the eye. How could one show their face when it was the other’s destruction? It seemed selfish, illogical, even. I loved her too much to admit to her my doings. My guilt, my stubbornness had evaded every chance of her blooming.

She could have flourished. She could have grown. Her silhouette was a flower in the Garden of Eden that swooned in the wind. It was I, the Forbidden Fruit, that corrupted every chance she had at purity. She was colorful and full of vibrancy. The light reflected off of her bright petals and shone into my eyes. It was so bright I could not see-- I was blinded by my love, my lust, my feelings. My chariot swerved off of the path she created with the callouses on her rough hands.

She pulled away after my agonizing self-review and stared at me. I was compelled to turn away, to run to where I could lay down, my hands out, palms out, and be lifted into the clouds. It was too much of a burden, though-- I was about to leave the girl with an electrifying revelation, I could not abandon her, too.

Her eyes pierced me in the chest. It was as if she could see the cracks in my bones and the beginning of my descent. I was swimming in the ice-cold stare, trying to drown and freeze myself before I could light her soul on fire.

And then I told her. She sunk to the ground and looked at me. Her eyes were a dull shade of grey now. They couldn’t pierce me anymore, all they could do was put a fine polish over my bitter nails. Her muscles were deflated, her eyes filled with raindrops sent straight from her sky. We lacked the basic ability to talk to each other; we always have. Instead of leaving, instead of speaking, we were statues. The only movements in our museum were the tips of her hair parting in the slight breeze.

I began to cry. It was too much for me-- I couldn’t accept the fact that I did the thing that she always told me not to. My tears hit the concrete and slumped downhill. They began the new journey that I would never be able to embark on.

I inched towards her, my knees tearing on the spikes of the ground. I put my thumb on her chapped lip and prayed for some sign of life in her head. She quickly stood and ran away from me, into the darkness of the forest that I always told her not to go to. We were both at the end. This was our sad culmination of our love-- a valley where there should’ve been a mountain.

As I wiped the blood off of my tattered pants, the skies cleared. The sun beat down on me like a blinding light. I limped into the forest and hoped that I’d never return.


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27 Reviews


Points: 12
Reviews: 27

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Thu Jun 16, 2016 4:43 pm
MandlynProductions wrote a review...



Well, this certainly gets my sympathies, if this is real.
For one, two the guy feels far to inferior to even be around his personal angel.
For two, the guy seems to annihilate the girls innocence with detailed sentences.
And for three, the girl seems to perfect, a common misconception most guys feel for a girl they actually care about, but it works very well for the story.
In review, besides a few plot errors, this story is a very realistic and depressing depiction of the end of a relationship, this is coming from a pessimist.




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Points: 334
Reviews: 3

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Wed Mar 23, 2016 11:56 am
Yalizz wrote a review...



Wow, I'm really impressed. This is a perfect work. I love the metaphors, they are very deep. I can feel the story, I am living it when I read it, and I love it. There are a few things you can get rid of, but apart from that, everything is perfectly good. The word choice is intense. Keep it up, and I will be reading everything you write about.

Nice job.




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74 Reviews


Points: 79
Reviews: 74

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Fri Feb 05, 2016 2:03 am
SofieR wrote a review...



Solid work! There's a lot of really well-written lines in here. I especially like "-a valley where there should've been a mountain." Such a pretty line!
The story could do with a couple of edits. Maybe re-wording some sentences so they sound more precise and the flow is better. Also, you might want to cut out some sentences or paragraphs that aren't one-hundred percent necessary to the story.
Overall, it's a really solid piece and I'm looking forward to reading more :)




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8 Reviews


Points: 242
Reviews: 8

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Thu Feb 04, 2016 2:54 pm
Mari1901 wrote a review...



Heeey!
This is a very nice story. I can feel the emotion and heart break. The only major problem I see, is he wording. Sometimes you try to use fancy and frilly words when simple more common ones, would have done a better job. Also, try to condense some sentences. New writers often aim for length when the case is that shorter is usually better. (Not to say you should underwrite!)
For example:
Instead of: Her eyes pierced me in the chest.
Write: Her eyes pierced my chest.
They both have the same idea, but the latter one is more succinct.
Apart from this, try not to state everything so bluntly. Instead of telling us everything try showing so that the reader can reach the emotion without you telling them what they need to feel.
I look forward to reading another of your stories again. :)





Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.
— Helen Keller