Removed due to the Writer not wanting the story anymore
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Since I’m such a nice person, and have left sanity long ago by a street corner, I’ve decided to review a snippet of your third chapter as well!
Oh god. I see the main character has decided to sleep with people. You use *Saturday* in tags again, which is wrong, as I’ve stated, etc etc.
Again, no space required before the first speech mark. Secondly, hmm, she seems to be sleeping with multiple people, not just one. Or sleeping with one as others watch gleefully. Interesting. I thought we’d ditched that after the stone age.
Gonna? Really? Who uses gonna? I mean, seriously. For shame. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone use gonna in my life outside of satire or parody. And, sadly, this isn’t either. Also, remember, comma instead of full-stop.
No description of the house either. Ho-hum.
Should be ‘gymnastics’
Should be ‘than’
Okay, I’m done now. I swear. Seriously. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve said everything. Enough. Bye. Adios.
Sorry I'm a bit new to this website so I don't know how to most chapters a t a time. Thanks for your advice.
Hey there again. Suicidal me, here to review, since I decided points were more important than my sanity, so I attempt a snippet of your second chapter.
like there.Well. While your first chapter was a gigantic block of text, this is a gigantic block of dialogue. Unfortunately, this piece hasn’t gotten any better. I won’t even mention, whenever a new person speaks, you need a line break. I won’t even mention you need to space things out. I won’t even mention you don’t need a space after a speech mark
There are plenty of errors, here’s just pointing out a few.
Should be ‘Paul cares’ and there should be a comma instead of the full-stop after ‘caring’ and ‘Another’ shouldn’t be capitalized. These are the basics, I mean. You should know these things before writing dialogue.
And again.
There should be a comma instead of the full stop, you should be using synonyms other than ‘says,’ you’re apparently using a different tense compared to your first chapter, blah blah blah. Seriously, this gets worse every chapter. That’s no mean feat.
Show, don’t tell. Otherwise, it’s pretty boring, bland, and oh – I’ve said this before, many times. Nevermind.
Boo-hoo, teen angst. Also, what? That makes no sense in English, I think. In context or out. Whooops.
Should be ‘guy’s fur’.
Should be respectively ‘build’ ‘height’ and ‘tattoo.’
Alright, that’s it. I give up on this one as well. I believe I’ve made a point. Please learn English. Please stay away from writing, at the moment. Otherwise, I’m sure you could improve! Maybe.
Sorry. I'm supposedly really good in my english class but I have some difficulties in some areas.
Alright, first impression. WHOA WHAT THE HOW MANY *face/desk* These are a lot of chapters. This is just one huge, mighty block of text that will scare the heck away out of anyone attempting to review. But I will do just that. And, like Grif, I will attempt to review until I can't take it anymore. If I quit in the next sentence, don't take it personally.
I died a little inside. Not only this is a massive block of text, it's also a massive Twilight block of text. You're basically throwing in that sentence, and bam, there go all potential reviewers. Just no. Break this up, please, in the name of all you hold holy. Furthermore you may not want to add that in in the first place, as this is a novel, it'll become apparent eventually. In fact, that's not a technique employed, because it's incorrect.
Again, very incorrect. You need to show us it's Friday, not tell us *Friday.* That's just wrong.
Bland. Very bland. I can't even sympathize with this character because (apart from the fact she's the heroine of a Twilight smut fic) I don't even know her name before you tell us she's abused. And you don't even show us how she's abused, you just go "I have an abusive father." That won't really cause a reaction in the readers. Boooring. So unless you can describe the abuse, in all of it's traumatic, detailed glory, stay away from it. Moving on.
That doesn't work. Just a half-assed investigation by the police would reveal it was the father that murdered the wife. SO, yeah. Plot hoooole.
Okay, this is still very bad. I want to know how her school day goes, I want to see her speak to her friends, not just have you telling me this. Otherwise, I see no point. It's boring, bland, and not well-delivered. Show, don't tell. I have a sinking feeling this will pop up often in my review, but oh well.
SHOW, don't tell. Okay, that's it. I quit. I can't take this anymore. This is so bad, reviewing it would be unfair to my fellow team-mates and to all of YWS. Please, learn how to format a novel properly before attempting one.
I put the days of the week to help the reader understand what is happening in each day.
Oh god. You posted twelve chapters, simultaneously? How in God's name do you expect us to write a constructive review for all of these in one sitting? It's insane.
So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to review until I can't continue. If you've ever seen a rage quit video, it's going to be kind of like that.
Oh no. This is a twilight fan-fiction.
All this drama involving the Mom and Dad is simple emotional scenery. Her Dad kills her loving Mom, and all that this character can work up is a "At least I can go to school?" Also, how is it that the police missed the bullet wound? Depending on where you hit, you get some pretty nasty exit wounds.
And wait a moment, what about the Mom's family, wouldn't they feel slightly upset about their close relation being brutally murdered? Or even concerned for this girl who is living in a hell hole, caused by a writer that is over-compensating for her otherwise perfection?
Massive plot holes that need to be closed.
Oh, by the way, I'm a werewolf!
I just can't continue. I've read through all of this and there is no action going on. The character isn't going places, doing things, and even though she is telling me all about her life story, I still have no reason why I should care one iota about her. At all.
In other words, it is a very accurate portrayal of Twilight.
Sorry I'm new to posting the chapters. Her mother's family isn't around them anymore because her mother was kicked out of the family for being in love with her husband. The bullet would was to the neck.
I am faced with this overwhelming block of text, which I guess must be the work of the classic copy paste scenario. But seriously, this is by far the most daunting block, nay, tower of text that I have ever seen on this site.
I'm so sorry! I'm new to this so I dont know how to work the site.