HEXAMON
For Six days and six nights, Hexamon had been in the desolate jungle of Morgrath. The swarm of thoughts that constantly lashed at his mind, were his only companion. Clearly, the Steam of grandeur and bravado he had mustered through the regions of Gamil and rhea, (when he appeared from nowhere to accept the grand challenge of the fairies of Ezeal) had evaporated from his youthful body.
He had lost all his company from Roth the woodsman to Grandelhorn the sage. The memory was rough and piercing. His fine black hair was ruffled and stained with blood from an encounter he had three nights ago with some wildlings. His chest was marred with blood, from a scratch he had recklessly received from a mandigus.
Hexamon had been warned; indeed he had and some had even pleaded with him to forsake the challenge, but he had not listened and now he so wished he had. He remembered the clear brutish and scary voice of Meshem, an old hunter who had made a name for himself in all the nine regions; his voice echoed, “the moors of Morgrath are no place for fools, nor kids, nor cowards, nor show offs. In all my expeditions and adventures, even I had always stayed clear of those parts. Demons!, thats what lies in those lands”. Hexamon smiled a little at the thought of him, but it did nothing to ease his head which was spinning with thoughts and memories.
He laid on the forest ground or so he thought and beside him was a creature, it was monstrous and huge, it’s looked like a giant ant with wings but it was dead in a pool of bluish goo. Slowly, Hexamon’s head moved to the left, then to his right and there he discovered that he was in a ditch. The events of the fore night was blurry in his mind, things had spiralled out of control and how he had managed to kill the mandigus was a feat spun from the very corridors of miracle.
Until a season ago, Hexamon was bad investment for any teacher of the arts. And for an Antien he carried a pretty bad reputation of laziness and poor control and display of phos (the principle behind magic). Antiens where a powerful race of Men who had considerable phos running through their veins that could rival the mighty fairies of Ezeal with much hardwork. Over the ages powerful sages had risen from Antien descent and where considered among the elders of Magic. Sometimes, people doubted Hexamon was Antien. He was a loud mouth who couldn’t succeed at anything and annoyingly also went about causing trouble. He was a hopeless fool.
But then one day fate had crossed paths with this brat who was already in his twenties – twenty and two to be precise. Contradictory to his abilities, he had always wanted to be an enforcer; the men and fairies who battled darkness and evil, them that tipped the scales of good and enforced balance between light and darkness. So one day, to show his bravery he had ventured into the forests to kill a Varg. In the end, he opened his eyes in a healing centre with his new found teacher.
His mind zoomed back again, into the hole he had fallen, it was dark, murky and reeked of rotten wood and a mixture of dead things. Hexamon tried to sit up and felt a tingling sensation in his side. A piece of branch had breached his side through and through. It progressed from tingling into a sharp jolt of pain. Ahh! he gnashed his teeth violently as he attempted to detach the shank from his body. Ahhhhhh! Another scream came, louder and clearer than the first, but the stained branch was already out, and it seemed as if it came out with half Hexamon’s vitality. Then in a flash, something dark rushed in the corners. He froze. It appeared, Hexamon hadn’t looked well. For the ditch was not just a ditch, it was a narrow trench, that spanned many yards.
His heart leapt with a shot of electricity, then he became more aware. His hand was now impeding a flow of blood that was streaming from his wounded side and still on the ground, he looked up, seeing that the sun was almost set, sense suddenly jumped into him. Darkness was drawing in faster than usual. The corners of the wannabe cave grew cold. And whatever that was hiding in there was getting impatient.
Hexamon drew a deep breath and relaxed. He thought of his Master, his teacher and the endless duration of han lessons he had endured. Though darkness was descending fast, his body begun to emit a warm glow. Then concentrating on his punctured side, something incredible happened.
End of chapter
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137,849 Literary Works • 672,069 Reviews
I don't know if you feel this sentence should be split, but I do, right before when.
'when he appeared from nowhere to accept the grand challenge of the fairies that?? Ezeal had evaporated from his youthful body.
I questioned that because I'm a little confused with that little bit. What evaporated from his body? The challenge or the fairies? You might have to clarify this for me.
*"The*
Did you separate this from the paragraph above it? You should if you didn't.
Maybe take out and??
Again, I hope you separate this from the other paragraph. *He* after Ahh!
I am on to the next one because I really want to finish this. Even after Review Day is over, I will continue to read. SO I'll see you next chapter.
~Sharrae out, tottles
Hi there!
I promised you a few days ago that I would review for you and it took me a bit longer to get here than I thought. But I'm here now ^_^ I decided to start with the first chapter so I'll be caught up for the second chapter.
I'm sorry if this review ends up sounding harsh. I'm just trying to help
I have mixed feelings about this opening line. I think it's mainly because of the wording. Opening lines are something I like to focus on because it's the first thing your readers will see. It has to be memorable and really pull you in. Well, it doesn't have to be, but more often than not it is. I like the idea of just stating where Hexamon is, since we don't know anything about this place, since it makes us start wondering why he's there and what's going on. However, the first part of the sentence is a bit awkward. If he's been there for six days and six nights, why not just say this was his seventh day there? It might just be personal preference, but I think that would flow better.
How did he lose them? Why not give us a bit of background information here. Just a few words explaining things. For example, you could say, "He had lost all his company from Roth the Warrior, who was killed viciously by that bear, to Grandelhorn the sage, who fled at the first sign of trouble". Obviously that's not what happened to your characters, but it still gets the point across. Did these men die or leave him? Is there that much danger that now he's the only one left? And do these men (I'm just assuming their men, they could be women, I'm not sure) mean much to Hexamon?
Two things.
1) What kind of wildlings did he run into? I found myself missing the description/memory of these creatures. Obviously he knows what they look like at least. If he doesn't know the names of them that's fine, we could find that out later. This is where you really want to use that description and imagery. I want to see these creatures he fought. If they were large animals, I would assume that he's a strong man (kid?) and awful brace. If they were small creatures, I might be less impressed by him :3 Describing these wildlings doesn't only give us a strong image, but it also hints at Haxamon's personality.
2) Do you mean Morgrath instead of Misogan? I don't think so, but I'm bringing it up anyway to show my confusion. You're throwing around a lot of names and we can't really keep up with it too well.
Your first paragraph is a nice introduction to the story, but it's a bit too vague. We don't know much of this Hexamon at all. He's in these woods, thinking back on all his bad luck and shaking the dry blood from his hair after fighting off wildlings. If there was just a bit more description and backstory this would all make a lot more sense. It's always good to withhold information for a while so the readers aren't swamped with it, but there is such thing as not sharing enough. You haven't given us enough here.
Quick grammar checks here. I'll put them in the spoiler.
Spoiler
Semi-colons are used to combine two phrases that could stand alone as sentences, but do best put together as one. I don't see that from where you placed yours here. It reads, "Hexamon had been warned. Indeed he had and someone had even pleaded with him to forsake the challenge...". That's an awkward beginning to the second sentence. Also, "Hexamon had been warned" isn't exactly a strong sentence. It could stand on its own, but not very well. If you really want to use it, I'd suggest taking out the "indeed he had and". That'll flow much better.
The first word in dialogue is always capitalized.
There should a comma after 'ground' and after 'though'. Also, this is a run-on sentence. I'd suggest changing the comma after 'creature' to a period to split it into two sentences. There are two different ideas in this sentence: (1) Hexamon lying on what he thinks is the ground and noticing the creature (2) the description of the creature. Both work much better in separate sentences.
It should be 'were' instead of 'was'.
Here's another run-on sentence. The two ideas are this: (1) his hand covering the flow of blood (2) looking up to see the setting sun.
Oh, I absolutely love your cliffhanger. I'm a huge fan of them ^_^ I think I know what incredible thing happened, but I can't be absolutely sure. I'll just have to wait and see.
This is a rather interesting start to your novel. We're thrown into this world, without any previous knowledge of what's happening or where Hexamon came from, which is something I like to see in a novel. Being thrown right into the thick of things makes us feel like we're right there alongside the main character. However, here needs to be background information here. I don't know anything about these places you're naming, or what's so dangerous about this jungle besides the creatures he had fought. With a bit more information about this world, it would all make much more sense.
Hexamon is an interesting character. I think I understand some of what he's like. There's not a whole lot here that I can pull from, but there's enough that I can tell he's not going to give up out here. He's going to keep fighting whatever it is that's out there until he gets back. We'll learn more about him in the later chapters. Being more mysterious about him here works well, in my opinion. There's so much more we want to learn about him so we'll keep wanting to read.
Overall, the main thing I think you should consider is utilizing backstory. This chapter will be wonderful once you add that. We'll be able to understand about all of these places and what king of person Hexamon is. It'll be more of a shock and fear that he's in this jungle. The more we understand, the more we care.
Aside from a few grammatical errors, this is well written. It's obvious that you take care to describe thoughts and feelings. We spend a lot of time in Hexamon's head, learning more about him and his life. I can appreciate that. It's the start of some great character development.
I hope this helped! I'll check out the second chapter soon
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank You very much Noelle. I really love your review. would be looking forward to your future reviews.
Hi, hunrith. I am bluewaterlily and here to review Hexamon.
First of all, before I even I started reading, I noticed your story is a huge block of large paragraphs. This is intimidating to the reader and makes it harder to read your story and focus on the plot. Many of these paragraphs can be broken into smaller ones. Try separating your paragraphs by new ideas, but don't forget a new transition for each new paragraph.
For example, I think the first paragraph can be split as soon as you start describing the physical appearance of the character. I notice you use pronouns such as he and his repeatedly and this gets a little redundant. Don't be afraid to refer to your character by name.
Also, I think you can make this chapter more interesting when Hexamon recalls Meshem by showing the encounter between him through a flashback. Also, don't forget to start a new paragraph for every new line of dialogue.
I noticed there is a lot of "telling" or narrating instead of showing. While telling cannot be appropriate and even essential, it is overused here. I can understand telling or just summarizing the events in circumstances like a character is explaining these events to another character through dialogue or a letter or other form of writing. However, when telling is overused as it is in this chapter, it becomes redundant and detaches the reader's interest from the plot and characters.
This also makes it hard for the reader to visualize the setting. You mention a forest, but never mention the time of day. Is it day, noon, evening, twilight, dusk, or night? You also don't mention the time of year which is a big component to forest. What kind of forest is it? A temperate deciduous where the leaves change colors in the fall? Is it a rain forest? Or is it a boreal winter forest?
Your sentence structure needs more variety. The pacing of your story could be greatly improved if you would break up some of the long sentences and vary your claudes. Don't be afraid to use compound sentences or short sentences or even medium length ones to establish a contrast to the long sentences. This makes your writing livelier. Don't worry, I feel like this is something most if not all writers struggle with.
Now, I feel like your description could be a little better. To make this story truly shine, add more imagery to establish a setting. But also establish a connection between reader and characer. For example, you have the opportunity to measure the pain Hexamon is in or the feeling of the glow. Use all five senses when you're writing. Right now I think you should focus more on tactile and visual senses in relation to emotions and thoughts of your character and his interactions with the environment.
Okay, onto the ending. That was a cliffhanger but more so as an abrupt stop. I don't really feel like this chapter's conclusion was truly filled. "Something" is such a vague term. Please continue on before moving onto the next chapter. What happened that was "incredible"?
That is all for now. I hope this review doesn't seem too harsh. I think your story has potential and the plot has a lot of promise and innovation. Be sure to show more through description, character feelings and emotions, and of course dialogue, and your story will shine. If you have any questions or comments, drop a p.m. or leave a message on my wall.
~bluewaterlily
Thank you Lily, i'm glad you reviewed my work. honestly speaking, this work was rushed. However i'm glad you've really done justice to it. i'll surely keep these corrections in mind. thanks. I'll be expecting more reviews from you in my following works.
Hi! LordofLit here,
This is a good start to your story, and by the way I like the name Hexamon.
Your descriptions are quite good, it's practically like the man character is transferring between the real world and what is regarded as the dream world.
There's just a few errors you should be made aware of:
'rhea' should be capitalized as it is a region or country.
'them parts' this is grammatically incorrect, it should be 'those parts' instead.
'begun to' should be 'began' as this at the moment does not make sense.
But aside from this, this is a very imaginative story, and your change of scenery multiple times in this chapter pretty much sent me into a daydream, and it was only when reading the last two paragraphs did I snap out of it. This effect on the reader is rather impressive, well done!
Keep up the good work and I hope to see more chapters from you!
LordofLit101
Thanks for the review, i'll surely take them into consideration...
Hey LordofLit, Hexamon 2 is out. check it out
Will do
Welcome to YWS,
This is a very good story; the message behind it is one which I think a few people need to learn at some point in their lives. The names and the story line is very well thought through as well.
There are a few knit picks though -these are mostly typos, I might suggest reading through your work before publishing it;
"The swarm of thoughts that constantly lashed at his mind, were his only companion."
Here I would put a comma between 'thoughts' and 'that'; you could also take the comma out of this sentence; but with just the one comma, it doesn't make as much sense as it could.
"regions of Gamil and rhea,"
I think you just missed this; capital letter for a county or region: 'Rhea.'
"it’s looked like a giant ant with wings but it was dead in a pool of bluish goo. "
This bit could do without 'but it was' and maybe add a comma or semicolon, after wings. I'm not sure the 'but' is really necessary in this sentence as it still makes sense without it; but it does need some form of punctuation. (This is just in my opinion)
"The events of the fore night was blurry in his mind"
It suddenly jumps here; this could have been in a new paragraph to show that time had passed.
Relating back to the point before; you suddenly jumped back to before this thing happened, this bit could be at the start; which would mean that the story would make a little more sense. Talking generally, you use 'His' at the start of two paragraphs; try to use another starter at the start of one of them. (Again, these are just little things that I picked up."
"Ahh! he gnashed his teeth violently....Ahhhhhh! Another scream came,"
Speech is usually on the next line, and surrounded by speech marks -even if they are sounds.
Don't be put off by what I just said; you don't have to take all of this into account, you are a very imaginative writer, and I hope to see more from you.
Random Columns
Thanks RandomColumns, that's an eye opener. thanks again guys
Hey RandomColumns, Hexamon 2 is out. check it out