Young Writers Society

Hello, fellow author! I saw your work in the Green Room and decided to deliver a bird-themed review for you, partially inspired by the YWS S'more Method! Let’s dive right into it! (Bird-style, of course)

Bird’s-Eye View: First Impressions!
First off, welcome to YWS! As a fellow new member, I can understand how scary it is to publish your first work! But I must say, you created a beautiful scene here! It was an enjoyable read with lovely imagery and a victorious mood.

Flying High: Things I Loved!
GAHHH I love the imagery you use! Even your diction feels so elegant, it just makes the whole scene feel right out of a fantasy novel. (Which, I guess it is, considering this is a chapter XD) You really made me feel like I was in the scene, watching it unfold right before me.
Honestly, I felt that this scene could just be a short story that stands alone. While I am curious to know the history of these two characters, we get such a good look into their world and lives that I felt satisfied just reading this small section. You did a wonderful job of giving us just enough information for it to not be confusing, but to also keep us wondering about the characters.

Bird Song: Favorite Lines!

"The paladin relaxed his tensed muscles, letting the thoughts that had gripped him in a chokehold fall and sway with the light breeze."

"'Look, you can see the house from here. Looks so small from high up, doesn’t it?'"

Hello! I'm so sorry for the delay of this review. But thank you for ordering from my bubble tea shop!

I've got to say, this is a beautiful piece, and I really enjoyed reading it! It was really well-written and super descriptive, and I would comment more on that if not for the fact that this review is supposed to be about characters. So let's talk about characters, shall we?

In this chapter, we are introduced to two characters, Tyr and Gheythas. Tyr is a paladin who was fighting in battle and Gheythas is a warlock I think? At the beginning of the chapter, we are in the perspective of Tyr, and how he had just killed an enemy. Then, after victory, Tyr feels triumphant, ignoring his pain all over his body. This is an interesting trait about him, that victory made everything feel better. And also it is interesting how before, when he killed the enemy, he felt disgusted but also relieved, so he has mixed feelings about fighting in battle. There is good character development so far!

When Gheythas comes in, we are also learning stuff about him. He's kind of positive because he was laughing, but he is also kind, and he kneeled next to Tyr after seeing that he was weakened.

The rest of the chapter is basically sitting together, watching the sunset letting the fact of their victory sink in. From this, we know that they are good friends and very close, also because Tyr said that he fights because of Gheythas. It was a nice friendship moment between the two.

One thing I think you could work on is clarifying in the storytelling who you are talking about. While reading, I was slightly confused on who was doing what, since you said "he" a lot, but both Gheythas and Tyr seem to have he/him pronouns. I think you could use their names instead of "he" for some parts of the story. But that's just me.

Overall, I think you developed the characters really well in this character, as well as their relationship with each other. Your writing is really good, and I hope you will continue this story. Keep writing!

Hi again! Lim here to review your story.

General Impressions

The first line starts off gritty and dark, then it transitions quite quickly into a more joyful, victorious atmosphere. There is also a sense of tenderness as Gheythas and Tyr interact. My brain was mostly thinking about how Tyr was going to deal with that injury, wondering how could he (and Gheythas, actually) be so calm when his leg was broken like that. (So I’ll admit I was a bit distracted!)

This extract made me think of a heroic tale of knights, and the fact that the beast is a lich made me think of a more video-game-esque setting. The cottage part made me think that the idea of ‘home’ is an important part of the story. Like your other story, ‘Love’, the light imagery is quite prominent. The sunrise is the image that lingers in my mind after reading this.

Characters

Something I liked was the characterisation of Gheythas and Tyr’s relationship. You’ve managed to frame them as being very important to each other in a few different ways. 1. Despite there being lots of people technically in the scene, Gheythas and Tyr only interact with each other, almost like they’re in their own little bubble. 2. I thought it was interesting that Gheythas remarks that they’ve become “heroes”, which is something probably relevant to the townsfolk, but Tyr seems to respond to that (indirectly) in the last lines by emphasising that Gheythas is his reason for fighting (and presumably not to become a hero).

Plot

Something that has room to grow is the realism of the post-battle scene. Like I mentioned before, I was quite confused by the characters’ reactions to Tyr’s injury. It sounds like he broke a bone clean through, and I’ve never seen a scene in fiction where that happens and the character can just hold a regular conversation after. Unless Tyr has superhuman pain tolerance (due to magic reasons?), I’d imagine he shouldn’t be able to shrug it off and think about their victory so quickly – at least not without some prior medical care or some magic happening.

My personal opinion is that fantasy stories like this don’t *have* to be super realistic in everything – I could imagine a vaguer description of injuries would still be believable in a scene. It’s just when I read about a specific real-life injury such as a broken leg without any additional context like magical pain tolerance, I think “wow, that guy should be rolling around in agony” based on what I’ve seen elsewhere and what I can imagine and empathise with.

Another comment I’d have is that the transition from gritty and dark to victorious happens kind of quickly, even within the same paragraph. So I felt like the pacing in this scene also had room to grow.

Setting

I liked the setting descriptions in the second half of the story.

their cottage, sandwiched between a narrow path of the town and the ever flowing river.

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the mutated S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Tyr and Gheythas fought and won against a fearsome monster, but there is still more to do. There is also the mention of Paladins. (Is this based on DnD?? If so, awesome! I’m starting to play a little of the game myself.)

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that you meant to say “beaming rays of light”, but if you meant the word “on”, then disregard this part.

Chocolate Bar - Ooh, where do I start? There’s an abundance of things that I like about this story, but I think that my favorite part would have to be when Tyr said that he fought for Gheythas. That’s so sweet and heartfelt, to fight to the death for the one you love. :>

Closing Graham Cracker - A short yet powerful story of how in war, there is still hope. Hope for a better life, for victory, and for love. I have enjoyed reading this story and I’ll be sure to check out your other two.

I wish you a fabulous day/night!