Massie felt like she was watching herself as somebody else. The whole scene seemed so... unreal. The noises around her were muffled and all she could here was her heart beat. She didnt cry. She just stood there staring straight ahead, complete ignoring the fact her only mother and father were being lowered in the ground. It was only a bad dream. In a few minutes, she would wake up and open her parents door and see them sleeping on their king sized bed. She stayed like this for the rest of the service. After a very long 60 minutes she felt some bodys arms around her. Of course, nobody was their because she was just having a dream...
"Massie," the pretty, sweet blonde named Claire knitted her eye brows and stared at her troubled friend. MAssie Still just stood there, acting completely oblivious to what was happening. "my parents are at home right now. I need to go, theyre probaly worried about me." Massie started walking away, but by this time Alicia, Kristen, and Dylan had ran to Massie.
"Massie!" all four of them shouted. They were really freaked out. Did she not remember that her house just burnt down and she lost every thing? Alicia grabbed Massie's arm, but she puched her in the face and stomped off.
"Did you just SEE that," screeched Alicia. "She HIT me! Claire, get your mom before she goes completely insane!"
"We should leave her alone. She's just, just," stumbled Claire, trying to find an explanation.
"Shocked." answered Kristen. She opened her Guide to Death and Grief book.
"Just put it down, or i'll wipe my ass with it. I think she totally broke my nose!
Kristen just glared at her.
"look, massie needs us. So let's," Claire Started
"get some lunch" interrupted Dylan. every one ignored Dylan's joke and tried to find their friend.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Apart from the million mistakes with grammer and spelling, the story isn't half bad.
However, as i am picky i want to bring up a few points.
I wouldn't say the actual length of time and just say 'after a long time' because it keeps with the mood of the piece better and doesn't sound so out of place.
I too agree that you should take out an adjective to make it flow better. It would just sound better.
There are many mistakes with this sentence. It should read
"Look, Massie needs us. So let's..." Claire started.
I hope i have been helpful
Dan
Your piece is good in the sense that it is realistic and the characters are presented as believable through their actions and dialogue. This piece definitely has potential, although I think the opening paragraph is a bit messy, I'm confused as to whether or not she is at a funeral because you mention her parents being lowered into the ground, and then she is running and you seem to completely disregard the fact that she must be in a graveyard. Perhaps try to keep control of your setting a bit more by picturing the scene as you write it. The characters, as I said, seem to be well-developed and you obviously have a clear picture of them in your mind.
Just a few spelling/grammar errors, you should make sure you spell check your piece next time:
Spelling: here should be hear.
some body's should be somebody's.
'their' should be 'there'.
Pretty, sweet and blonde, a bit too descriptive, I would get rid of one of those adjectives.
'Theyre' needs an apostrophe: they're. Also, a typo: 'probaly' should be 'probably'
This sentence is a bit confusing, mainly because you've repeated the word 'Massie' twice, you should consider reorganising it a bit.
This word should be 'punched', again make sure you spell check before submitting.
This line is good, it sounds very real.
There should be a comma after 'shocked', not a full stop.
You need to end your speech here, I'm assuming after the word 'nose'. Also the word 'i'll' should be 'I'll'
There is no need for a capital on the word 'started', and the word 'let's' should be 'lets'. Also, capitalisation on the name 'massie' should be there too.
"get some lunch" interrupted Dylan. every one ignored Dylan's joke and tried to find their friend
The words 'get' should be capitalised, there should be a comma after the word 'lunch', and the word 'every one' (which should be 'everyone') should also be capitalised. Also, a full stop at the end is needed too. This sentence is good though, it sets the character of Dylan as being a bit of a joker.
One more point, I love the name Massie