Published August 5, 2008
Daniel
"Are you sure we should do this?" asked Alice sheepishly. "Relax, Al, it's not gonna work anyway" I reassured her. But I was scared too. If this worked, what would it mean? I did not want to find out. In fact, if Jennifer wasn't my best friend, I would have left her house already. "Okay guys, are you ready!" whispered Jennifer. Alice and I nodded our heads and followed Jennifer in to her bathroom. She turned off the lights, flushed the toilet three times, and started whisper-chanting "Girl in the mirror, come on out"
Alice was shaking, even though it was 80 degrees in there. I started to laugh. They are so dumb. Then, despite the heat that controlled the air, a chilly breeze went by, but the window was closed. All of a sudden, It grew pitch black except for the blue fog. By now I was shaking uncontrollably. But I was the only one. Alice was fanning her face. I started to turn to a still chanting Jennifer, when I felt a Deep stabbing sensation in the back of my leg. Blood was streaming down, I could feel it. Soon, I saw her staring at me - long black hair, blue eyes, a white gown, and covered in blood. I started to scream. Jennifer stopped and tried to turn on the lights, but now the sensation was all over. The girl was pulling me towards the mirror, Squeezing and scratching me all over, drawing more blood. The lights came on, and it all stopped. "Daniel! What happened!" screeched Jennifer. She pulled out my arms- they were cut up and scratched, with a bloody hand print. A giant cut was on the back of my leg. "The girl! She- She came!" I yelled between sobs. "I'm getting the hell out of here!" Shouted Alice. She stomped in to Jennifer's room. I was crying hysterically. Jennifer threw her hands up in the air. "Well what the hell am I gonna tell my mom! 'A ghost came and attacked Daniel' She can't know we did this!" Alice came back "Break your mirror, and get your mom" Jennifer scowled and opened her mouth to object, but Alice took her foot and kicked it, then threw the magazine basket at it. "Mrs. Jaskins! Mrs. Jaskins!" Screeched Alice running down the stairs. Jennifer then covered me in the broken glass, and stuck some in her own arms and screamed. Mrs. Jaskin's bandaged me and Jennifer up and let me and Alice go home. I thought this would be the end of the girl in the mirror, but it was only the beginning...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay well this is quite the start. I have a feeling this mirror situation is going to have something to do with horror somehow or at least its not going to end up going terribly well for these people judging by the way that we're starting things off right here. Well I suppose we'll find out pretty soon at any rate. So far this has been a great start to a first chapter.
Well this is quite the paragraph, that went pretty much exactly how I expected that to but before I dive in deeper on that I have to this paragraph could do with being split into at the very least two smaller parts here because as it stands its a bit of a wall of text and the flow of this scene, especially when its a scene of this nature really is hindered by being in this form.
Besides that though this is a pretty well done scene. The shock there as things go down and the reactions reeling off also seem to be pretty appropriate there. It creates a very nice impactful moment to end on and I think on the whole you've done a very good job there which makes this on the whole a pretty neat first chapter here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, huggybear123!
But other than that I liked it a lot.
Alright man this was really good. I just have one suggestion: You should skip lines between dialogue. It got a little confusing, trying to figure out exactly who was talking. Another thing I got confused by was when Jennifer stuck the glass in her arm... why did she do that?
I can't wait for the next chapter, PM me when you submit it!
~Dommy