the battle of the books chapter two

Description:
The paragraph, “It was her worst nightmare. Pink everything! Pink rug, pink walls, pink bed, pink pink pink pink PINK EVERYTHING PINK! Cassandra thought she was going to die. As the man left Cassandra went over to the bed post and began to bang her head repetitively. That was when the most terrifying thought crossed her mind. THE CLOSET, she screamed in her head. Cassandra ran over to the closet and flung the doors open. Inside were frilly dresses and most were pink. Cassandra went back to pounding her head on the bed post. “ Okay, this paragraph is an okay paragraph in letting us know the character of the story especially how she hates the color pink. However, what is her expression particularly when she entered the room. Though you express her pounding her head as a sign of annoyance, it would be better if you showed us her expression. For example, when she entered the room with pink: her body was stiff, her eyes was wide open. She tried to give a smirk that seemed to titter or shake. When the butler ask her if she has problems, the girl mumbled wordlessly. When he left, she took heavy steps to the bed post and bang her head. This way, we can have a clear picture on her annoyance.

Style

I want to pick out is the time or the events. Okay, you split the events through some space between them. But what I want you to do is to give some connection between the time slots. These time slots are not really exactly connected by minute to minute but give some connection that may relate one part to the other. For example: The first paragraph you talked on how she met her grandmother nad the next paragraph you had talked that she is an airport. To connect try using landmarks: For example as she got into the car end the first paragraph by her looking at a group of buildings or that she is looking over the distance, and the next paragraph will start with the airport in which she is looking. Can you see the connection?
Same goes with the bed post part. End the paragraph with connection to the next paragraph. For example, end the bed post paragraph, with her looking at the book. By doing this, you can connect it with the library. Don’t always do this to paragraph or parts that have a good connection between one (you can but limit it). But you can do this when the former paragraph is somewhat different from the next paragraph. This is just me but I hope it helps

THANK YOU SO MUCH! lol i needed someone to reveiw chapter two really bad

Hey, so here I am for chapter two!

Critique
Chapter 2: To Grandmother’s House We Go!

Cassandra’s grandmother was not AT ALL #0000FF ">No caps; I think I addressed this in my review of your first chapter. like she #0000FF ">had pictured her. She had her gray hair in a tight bun at the top of her head and had a pinched up face. She was wearing formal clothes and the pointiest shoes you could ever see. There was no way Cassandra could picture her grandmother baking cookies.
“Well, come on now, Cassandra. Time is money!” said Grandma Ann. #0000FF ">New paragraph -> #FF0000 ">Like you need any more of that, #0000FF ">Italics for direct thoughts. thought Cassandra as they neared her grandmother’s limo. They boarded into the limo in silence, not really caring that the #FF0000 ">other person #0000FF ">Okay, at first I thought that there was another person who hadn't been introduced yet, but then I realized that they were ignoring each other's presence. Might want to clear that up for easily confused readers such as myself. was there. Cassandra shed a small tear as she waved good bye to Ellie and the others,#0000FF ">semicolon she may only had#0000FF ">ve spent 4 days with them#0000FF ">comma but they had helped her so much. #0000FF ">Helped her what? Feel accepted? Feel better about her situation? Let's hear just how they helped her out.
“Where are we going?” Cassandra asked, since she honestly did not know where.
“My home in New Jersey, of course!” #FF0000 ">spat her grandmother right back. #0000FF ">"her grandmother spat right back." sounds less awkward. [color=#0000FF]New paragraph here, and italics for the thought. ->[/color] Definitely not like I had pictured her, thought Cassandra.

* * *

About 2 #0000FF ">You write the number out for those smaller numbers. hours later, they arrived at the #FF0000 ">air port #0000FF ">One word. Tons of people pushed their way through the crowds to make a flight and others were hugging and kissing loved ones who finally came home. Cassandra’s grandmother pushed her to gate 7 where they sat for nearly half an hour before Cassandra finally asked, “Do you have a book?” since she left Moby Dick in her bag that was on its way to the plane.
Cassandra’s grandmother pulled out two books for Cassandra to read and passed them to her. Cassandra looked at the tittles: #FF0000 ">Wizard of Oz and Tales for the Young Reader. #0000FF ">'Kay, it's been a while since I've written and used a book title in it, but I believe you italicize the titles. Cassandra put Tales for the Young Reader in her carry on and began reading The Wizard of Oz.
An hour passed till #0000FF ">Too casual; "until" is the proper word for it. finally they were able to board the plane. The flight was like Cassandra’s worst nightmare,#0000FF ">semicolon there was no way she would be able to read in #0000FF ">"with"; she's not actually submerged in noise, per se. this #FF0000 ">noise! Even #0000FF ">"...this noise, even with..." with the pressure that slightly muted the noise. Babies were crying, toddlers had tantrums, someone was watching a movie and didn’t care how loud the audio was, and tons of kids were complaining about how bored they #FF0000 ">are. #0000FF ">You seem to change tenses a lot, and you've established that the story's in the past tense, so you need to stick with that. Cassandra’s grandmother left her there while going in #FF0000 ">1st class. The excuse being, “They were out of 1st class tickets.” #0000FF ">"...going in first class, the excuse that she gave being, "They were out of first class tickets."
Cassandra tried to continue reading the best she could, but soon it got dark. All the kids settled down#0000FF ">comma going to sleep#0000FF ">comma and Cassandra found herself doing the same.

* * *

By the time Cassandra woke up they were landing, not a joyful landing either. The plane had turbulence the whole way and still did! When they finally landed Cassandra let out an audible #FF0000 ">WHOOP, #0000FF ">"Cassandra let out an audible, 'Whoop!'..." You need to have the quotes for when she speaks. which made half the people in the plane look at her like she was crazy. Cassandra unbuckled and grabbed her carry on before leaving the plane. She sat on a bench outside of the exit#0000FF ">comma waiting for her grandmother and half hoping that she wouldn’t find her. But she did and they were soon headed for her grandmother’s house or#0000FF ">comma as her grandmother calls#0000FF ">ed it#0000FF ">comma “her castle”.
Cassandra finished The Wizard of Oz and pulled out Tales for the Young Reader. She looked at the tittles of the stories #FF0000 ">inside, WHAT DOES SHE THINK I’M FIVE! She thought to herself. #0000FF ">"...stories inside. What, does she think I'm five? she thought to herself." Would be the correct way to write it. Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood, the Three Little Bears, and MORE! #0000FF ">You're really depending on the capitalized words to add emphasize, and that's what italics are generally for. #FF0000 ">At least they are the originals; #0000FF ">Again, italicizing thoughts. Cassandra thought to herself#0000FF ">comma and began reading Little Red Riding Hood:
“There once was a little girl who had a red velvet cloak that she wore so much that people called her r#0000FF ">Red r#0000FF ">Riding h#0000FF ">Hood. One day her mother told her to bring a basket of goodies to her grandmother. Taking a path through the woods she met a wolf…”
Cassandra saw a shadow in the corner of her vision. Whip#0000FF ">ping her head toward the window#0000FF ">comma she saw a wolf, a BIG #0000FF ">I'm sure you know what i"m going to say here. wolf. Cassandra was about to tell her grandmother when#0000FF ">comma just like that#0000FF ">comma it disappeared. Cassandra gapped at the forest before deciding it was a figment of #0000FF ">her imagination and going #0000FF ">went back to her book.
“We’re here!” A#0000FF ">announced Cassandra’s grandmother as they arrived at the gate to the home. Cassandra gasped at the sight of the house. It WAS like a castle!
“Hurry up!” snapped her grandma#0000FF ">comma pulling her to the door. The door opened and there stood a man in a tux#0000FF ">edo; it's too casual to just write "tux.", he silently nodded as they entered the main hall. It was HUGE! Marble tile, Persian rugs, fancy #FF0000 ">chandlers, #0000FF ">I think you mean "chandeliers," not "chandlers", which are dealers for goods and such, usually associated with ships. the whole shebang! Cassandra was half excited and half sickened. She hated anything like a castle,#0000FF ">semicolon if anyone called her a girly girl she would go on a rampage.
“I picked out clothes for you to wear#0000FF ">comma they are in your closet in your new room. The rules are as follows: no running, no going into my room, no annoying me, no yelling, to bed at 7:00 and lights out by 8:00. Am I clear?”
“As crystal.#0000FF ">comma” R#0000FF ">replied Cassandra.
“t#0000FF ">The butler will lead you to your room.#0000FF ">comma” Cassandra’s grandmother said as the man in the tux showed Cassandra to her room. It was her worst nightmare. Pink everything! Pink rug, pink walls, pink bed, pink pink pink pink #FF0000 ">PINK EVERYTHING PINK! Cassandra thought she was going to die. #FF0000 ">As the man left and Cassandra went over to the bed post and began to bang her head repetitively. #0000FF ">I was expecting to read something else, the way you wrote it, starting with an "As" makes it sounds like there's a continuation to what you first said; I don't know if that makes any sense, but again this is a fragment of a sentence. That was when the most terrifying thought crossed her mind. #FF0000 ">THE CLOSET, she screamed in her head. Cassandra ran over to the closet and flung the doors open. Inside were frilly dresses#0000FF ">comma and most were pink. Cassandra went back to pounding her head on the bed post. #0000FF ">Hehe I like this line.

* * *

The next morning Cassandra picked one of the less scary peaces #0000FF ">pieces of clothes, a green sun dress, then went down for breakfast. On her way she saw a name plate next to a double door that read:
Library

Cassandra’s heart lifted. Maybe this place isn’t that bad, she thought. Cassandra headed down for breakfast where she found her grandmother reading the morning paper and eating eggs and toast. She sat down in the seat next to her grandmother and began eating the eggs and bacon left out for her. After eating Cassandra asked her grandmother, “Can I use the library?”
“t#0000FF ">That library is very important to me#0000FF ">comma so if you mess one thing up in there you will be out of here before you can say jellyfish!” said her grandmother sternly.
Cassandra thought for a moment about #FF0000 ">messing something up so she could get out of there and also why her grandmother choose#0000FF ">"had chosen" or "chose"#FF0000 "> the word jellyfish before heading for the library. #0000FF ">The part in red all sounds just very rushed. Try slowing it down a bit, and let the reader digest the information. Once there#0000FF ">comma she picked up the first book she saw, the original peter pan #0000FF ">Peter Pan. Sitting down in a cozy red chair#0000FF ">comma Cassandra began to read.
An odd feeling came over Cassandra as she continued reading. Suddenly she heard a little whooshing should with a little chime. She tried to look up but she couldn’t. h#0000FF ">Her eyes continued reading no matter how hard she tried to look up. She felt wind hit her face like she was inside a mini tornado. Then just as fast as #0000FF ">had it started#0000FF ">comma it stopped. Her book suddenly disappeared and she found herself looking at a huge forest.
Oddly#0000FF ">comma she didn’t feel scared. Actually#0000FF ">comma she felt the most at home since her parents disappeared. #0000FF ">Wouldn't Cassandra be more concerned about what had happened to her parents? I'd be trying to find out as much as I could about whether they were dead or trapped or something. That was when she saw a tiny purple light. Cassandra quickly found herself running toward that light like she was running to an old friend. When she arrived she looked closer to #0000FF ">at the light. It wasn’t a light at all! In fact it was a little person with wings.
“t#0000FF ">Tinker b#0000FF ">Bell?” she breathed out.

End of critique


Okay, well I like the way the story is going; I love the thought of Cassandra entering worlds from books. I think you need to slow down some of your writing, because it sounds very rushed. You string together sentences that aren't made to be strung together. Also, watch the capitalization and grammar.

I'm looking forward to part 3!