This story is a story that is very close to my heart. It is completely true and may make you cry. This story is dedicated to the memory of moonshine. He may have passed away but he is still alive…in our hearts and memories he can live on forever. My avatar is me riding moonshine the summer before the fire.
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I was nine and it was my first time ever riding a horse. I was scared so much I almost didn’t want to go on. But I loved horses so much. It was a beautiful horse too. They said his name was moonshine. His fur was white with little dots of black. His eyes were warm and loving, he had a gleam in his eye that showed I shouldn’t be afraid. I allowed my dad to put me on the saddle. Then off I went. A feeling that you will never forget…the first time riding a horse.
It was December 1, 2009 (5 years later) the time of year we would throw a Christmas barn show. It was always so much fun! We had held it a little early so the snow wouldn’t interfere. Everyone was outside and ready but I was still grooming moonshine. Only me, moonshine, and the cat were left in the barn. To be festive the barn owner had set up oil lamps around the barn. Suddenly the cat spooked and jumped up, knocking down one of the lit oil lamps. The barn instantly combusted creating a flaming wall between me and moonshine. It all happened so fast that it was like slow motion. I couldn‘t get out, the door was rite by moonshine. He could have just ran out, but he stayed. The smoke was chocking me and moonshine knew. At this point the barn was completely on fire.
That was when moonshine made the move that would change his life forever. Head first moonshine plowed past the flames to me and got me out me out of the flaming barn. Moonshine saved my life. I looked at him, something was different. That gleam in his eyes was gone. My best friend was blind. The flames had burned his eyes so badly that he would never see anything again. His last image was of me….
After a few days I became moonshine’s eyes. I trained him to follow the sound of a bell I would have around my neck at all times. We had a bond formed. One of trust, unbreakable. I made his life as happy as I could. He always knew it was me. Even blind. I loved that horse so much. It killed me inside as I saw him fall. It was only a few weeks later exactly December 21st, 2009 that my best friend fell…and didn’t get up…never got up. I still have that bell. That bell is a symbol that he was here on this earth. I want him to live on forever. Forever in all of our hearts and all of our memories. My dear best friend, moonshine, may you rest in peace.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hey there, horserider! Nightcrawler here to review this piece!
Alright, so this is a very interesting piece. It would be a remarkable story even if it was fiction, but the fact that it is true just adds so much more to it. I felt like overall a lot more description could have been added, as previous reviewers mentioned. I felt like more explanation from when you first met him until the fire should have also been added. The name "Moonshine" should always be capitalized.
I feel for a loved animal's death. He sounded like an amazing friend, and obviously impacted you a lot.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~Night
It's definitely very sweet. The repetition about the gleam in his eye served its purpose well. I would suggests some changes in grammar, such as capitalizing Moonshine and watching out with your commas, such as:
Try adding a "since" after the comma.
Like the others said, you should think of adding more details and build up to the ending.
This is piece that certainly has a lot of potential. Keep on working at it!
You speak so easily about loss, focusing on the good, like the bell. That's nice, but there are some things to change. First, Moonshine is a name and should always be capitalized.
This seems a little awkward to me. Maybe, Five years later, December 1, 2009, we were throwing a Christmas barn show.
This seems to be all jumbled together. I would rearrange it just a little:
It was only a few weeks later....It killed me inside...
That bell was a simple that he was here....I still have that bell.
It's hard, and nearly impossible, to critique something when it really happened. I haven't done it before.
First, I'm going to critique it as a piece, but then, I'll critique it as a true story.
Using 'to much' twice sounds... uhm... a little stiff and uncreative.
Capitalize 'Moonshine'.
Comma after 'head first.' Capitalize 'Moonshine'.
Critique on piece:
It was very short and not wildly descriptive. Also, it sounded as if you met Moonshine one night, and then the next you guys were in the fire and he was saving your life. If that's what happened, perhaps elaborate on the fire a bit more, to really bring out the trust and friendship bond you two have. (Also, what happened to the cat?)
Critique on how it's a real-life story:
This was a very beautiful story. I'm very sorry about your horse, and I'm sorry about the short time you got to spend with him. I really think it's amazing how he saved you from the fire.
Overall, this was a sweet story. Doesn't win the prize for description, but I know you hold this story and the animal who is in it close to your heart.