I heard someone calling me, I hoped it wasn't him. His voice was so deep so strong but I could never understand what he was saying, Maybe I wasn't supposed to know? My teacher woke me from my thoughts Olivia she spoke to me in a stern voice could you please tell us how this author's life relates to his poem? she asked me knowing I didn't listen to the poem. Um...I had no clue what poem she was talking about all because of that stupid voice n my head, Why did he have to bother me? I had already convinced myself I was going to fail science! English too? I can't Repeat the 8Th grade my parents would kill me! Olivia please answer me. I needed a answer and I needed one quick! I quickly searched the room looking for a answer I noticed a boy he was new at least i thought, He was looking at me with a smile as f he had seen me before i soon realized he wasn't the the only one looking at me the entire class was now staring at me. Miss oaks do you need to visit the Principal's office? No miss banks, miss banks was a tall woman with long nose she wore a faded green shirt with a long skirt that flowed to the ground she was n her thirties she had been very harsh ever since her husband died two years ago I felt bad for her. Please visit the Principal's office after school, Her words seemed to echo n the room I heard my classmates giggling behind me, English let out I walked straight to my locker. I opened my pale blue locker inside a picture of me and my parents hung on the inside of the door I stared at it for a few moments then I remembered what I was there for I noticed a small piece of paper folded up n my locker I unfolded it It read: You can't ignore me any longer I am there where ever you go I go, I see you all the time! there was no signature on t but I had a pretty good idea who it was from that voice in my head! but of course something that I can't see couldn't have wrote it, But no person in my school knows about him.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Horselover!
I'll review your piece again.
So, what I like about your pieces is the intrigue that you create around that voice and how interesting it seems for the reader that makes it want to keep reading. But still, I felt that you leave everything midways, and that means flat character and lack of description and setting. And I'm not saying this to be mean, but I feel as if your characters is flat and the voice takes the place of the MC. Also, the setting,setting is so important and I see your background in black and white. Setting, for me, is just not only how the things look, but how they smell, how they feel in some one's skin, what's their sound. That's setting, because it "sets" the mood and the feeling, the story will have.
Now for your grammar. To be honest, it made the story extremely difficult to read. As I said in your other piece, you have to proofread the piece before posting it. You placed period where there should be commas, and didn't put periods where they should be.
Your dialogue punctuation was really bad. I suggest you separate the dialogue from the whole piece. For example:
"Hello Mary"
"Hi Tom," she answered.
What I am trying to say here is that you should start a new paragraph every time a character speaks and always put the quotation marks because you didn't even put quotation marks in this one!
I don't want to load you with information and critiques, so if you need anything just PM me because I'm willing to help you in all you need.
XOXO
Pudin.
Again very good.
Like the last part, you need to add some full stops and commas. You also need to add some speech marks.
You might want to add some more description as well.
I've noticed that you put 'n' in a lot of places, with varying meanings. It would make it a lot easier for the reader if you put the proper words in.
Apart from that, write more, coz I want to read more!
Remember to shorten your sentences, add spacing, and put what people say in ".
Like: "I already told you what happened," Mary frowned. Keep up the good work, and remember to use good description
~Voice