“What if much of a want was to know”
What if much of a want was to know
the work behind the colors of life’s mind
refracts from the simple to become revered
and comes forth through the heaven’s sadness?
(with heat and cold intertwined)
- The sign of peace from skies glory.
What if need leaves the hero in the dark
safety determined with evil’s destruction
with shame dealt with loss
and man’s acceptance of fate?
( the savior is no longer wanted and neglected by fellow man)
- Settle in the hills when destruction is scarce reserving for another day to combat the conflicts of foul play.
What if the strive for the weak to be strong is fulfilled
as they come out of the shelter into the sun
to protect their loved ones
and sacrifice themselves?
( knowing so full well)
- A hero will be born from the shadows whose triumph and lore will be spoken for all to hear.
So what if much of a want is to know
All learned and heard and sung beneath the rays of sun and glow of moon
Never ending until the dark hand guides you into endless night?
(with no regrets and lack of satisfy)
- Lack of remembrance may be assured, but if a want is to know let natures call bind you and thoughts be kept in the breeze say and sound of life for all eternity.
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Oy... this poem sounds eerily similar. It is reminiscent of my early poems where I thought style was more important than content and that poetry was meant to be confusing, and the more confusing it was, the deeper it was. Of course, the easiest way to confuse people (and thusly write a "deep" poem) is to make it utterly unreadable by using an absolutely horrid style of passive voice and extra words. So I definitely understand what you're going through.
The problem is that just because it's unreadable and incoherent doesn't mean it's deep. In fact, it just means that you're trying to sound smart by being utterly confusing and, if you were asked to analyze this poem, you would probably stutter. Not to say that this poem is meaningless--that is not true. But you have presented your ideas in such an awkward way that you would trip over your words.
What you are basically saying is that what if people wanted to know life's mysteries. See? Clear idea presented very clearly. From the clear idea, you can continue, weaving a clear picture of the sorrows and mysteries and anger toward life in a clear, description that allows people to muse about the image you have created... not what the words mean.
Worry less about where you place the words and more about writing coherently.
First of all, before I continue with this review, I'd like to mention the 2:1 ratio rule - in order to post a story or poem of your own, you must review two other stories/poems. So make sure you make one more review as soon as you can!
Anywho, on with the show!
Anyway, I really loved this poem, I mean, literally, LOVED it - you just confused me with the strange choice of words and weird punctuation. The punctuation was what really confused me. But that's kind of expected - i'm always confused about something!
See ya around and happy writing!
~Claery
PS sorry if this was a little too harsh - I was just trying to be frank. I didn't mean to be blunt, if I was. Peace!