Published March 12, 2009
This is a short novel I'm working on for the term break, just to pass the time. But, I hope I can expand it to a real novel, so don't hold back on the critics 
Here it is..
Prologue
As hateful as she might be, she was my only ticket out of this hellhole. I watched her as she walked gracefully towards the huge, wooden double doors of Cuthbert Hall, with her head held high, while one arm hung regally on her Pilates trained waist. Her famous auburn hair, with a shade of crimson and held back with a velvet headband, flowed behind her in one rhythm with her walking. The shape of her eyes, almond-shaped and black in color, accentuated her high cheekbones. And the worst part, is that all of it is natural! No Botox, no fake plastic features, no nothing. She was wearing a white buttoned-up blouse, topped off with a black cashmere cardigan and a checkered seersucker skirt. Ballet flats embraced her petite feet. Practical, yet stylish.
Her three faithful cronies followed soon after. The first one had short blond hair and big blue eyes. She was the most ethereal person I had ever seen. She looked like a petite pixie who'll never hurt anyone, even a fly. The second one was tall and had cappuccino colored skin. Her long brown hair was tied in that messy-but-still-looked-awesome style with a pair of chopsticks. Her gold bangles clanked as she straighten the creases on her dress. Any designer would worship her right then and there. The last one was super skinny, with straight black hair. So straight, it looked like it could slice something. But the most distinguished feature on her face were the hazy green eyes, which looked almost sad and depressed. She carried a thick book, which looked like a worn copy of Victor Hugo's, Les Miserables. They were all glamorous. But, all three of them still couldn't compete with the regal and calm composure their leader harbored.
She was perfect, But her perfection seemed too intimidating.
Something was off about her. But it wasn’t her looks, though she looked like a model that came off of the covers of Vanity Fair or Vogue, it was the aura that surrounded her. The crowd that gathered outside of Cuthbert Hall had suddenly given way for her, like how the red sea parted for Moses. And the way people looked at her. It was a look of fear and loyalty, not one that screams admiration and peppy-ness. They were all afraid of her, and she knew that. Afraid she might threaten them. Or worse, afraid she might just get them expelled from the academy. And she could.
I reminded myself that I was dealing with the ultimate of mean girls in Southern Cross here. And one wrong move might just be the last one I make.
Your comments will be really helpful, thank you!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,613 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
I love your opening sentence but i feel you focused more on the physical descriptions of the character than the plot itself. Capturing prologue however. Again, great opening sentence.
Thank you, PaperMoon
That sentence really doesn't flow well, does it ? I want to create that teenage environment in the story, and not all serious. Maybe I'll rephrase it to make it more flowing. Thank you for the critique !
Ooh I love Les Miserables !! I've read that book since I was in grade 8, and it never gets boring. That's why I wanted to put in some of my likes and dislikes, and apply it to the characters
Hey hey,
I know you don't really know me, but you posted on my thread (which I appreciate) and I figure the best way to get to know another is through their writing.
So let me commence. Very early on you create a tone, or rather an atmosphere around this figure, this woman, who you're introducing. It's very good, I feel swayed to be intimidated by this person and her pure perfection. So aces to you.
I do, however, think that this affect was distorted with the "And the worst part, is that all of it is natural!" as it just felt to disturb the flow you had. The sentence following does similar in my mind. The regal intimidation and respect you established seems disjointed by the teenage exclamation.
Les Miserables, ha, I'm reading that now. Beautiful.
One can tell there was much effort put into this work, it shows and ,for that, I commend you admirably.
PaperMoon
Please comment on this edited version of the prologue. Thanks
I give this a thumbs up.
This draws the reader in from the very beginning, and i love the way you make the narrator seem to be afraid of the girls, but at the same time she obviously dislikes them. it makes the whole thing so much more realistic when the tangle of emotions present everywhere is put into a story. However, who the girls are remains a little unclear. Certainly they are girls with power who are respected and feared. but how did they get this power? Inheritance? Manipulation? Domination? I can't wait to find out!
PM when you next post
Saphirra
ooh... me likey...
Anyways, back to reality.
As the others have said, it lacks any sort of indication about the story, or your character. All we've been told is there's these snob girls who have the power to kick anyone out of the academy if they so wish, and by what you said at the start I'm guessing thats what she's aiming for.
Other than that, it was pretty good, I have a pretty vivid image of these girls.
-grimy
ps: PM when you post the next chapter please!
Thanks for all the reviews !
Dreamwalker - I really appreciate your critique, and you did lots of corrections, too. I'll start working on it right away !
Windy - hahahaha Thanks for the funny critique, I'll PM you when I post the next chapter
Rhiannon - Thank you ! Your critique encouraged me to do harder, I'll make corrections to it right away and I'll definitely PM you when I post the next chapter!
Music - Thanks for the corrections, and personally I think my prologue doesn't tell much about the story, too. I'll start working on it right away
Thank you for the helpful critiques and advices! I'll PM you when I post the next chapter.
Hi, Romance! I'm Music, here to review for you today.
Hi! Okay, overall, I thought it was a pretty good beginning! I want to know why the "mean girls" could help your MC, though. Very nice descriptions of the head mean girl and her three followers.
Anyway, good beginning! I think this could turn into something really interesting! I'm excited for you next post in the story!
Love,
Music.
I think that there should either be a coma after hot, or mention her shoes before saying how her outfit is practical yet hot.
Like said above, make sure you describe everything about the hair together, then move onto the description of the eyes.
I think you should have put "And she could."
But all in all it sounds really really interesting and I can't wait for you to write more. <3
-impatiently awaiting the next chapter- xD
Keep writing, I really like it.
~Rhi
Hey I guess Dreamwalker did all the corrections. I don't really see where this story is heading, though I like the start. Your really good at descriptions! I can see her red hair swish from side to side as she walks down the sidewalk, her mouth permantly turned up in a ever so slight smirk. Her face will smile at the cute boys but that smile will never reach her eyes, those cold mean eyes. Sorry a bit dramatic but thats how I see her. Plus I wanted to show off my discription skills. ( I am getting a bit jealous)
Anyway keep going this is going to be a great story I can tell! Also I sense there will be a lot of jealousy.
-Windy
Hello hopelessromance00 and welcome to YWS. I'm The.Dreamwalker but people just call me dreamwalker or dreamy for short. I'll be reviewing your work!
Okay so onto the critique!
Wonderful opening. Definitly like how you worded that.
Auburn and red are kind of the same colour. Maybe a shade of crimson or some sort, but red is too much of an offset.
Not such a good way to enter into that. Watch out for what your doing, it can get confusing.
Very piecy. That will kill you in the end. Try flowing those sentences out a little bit. I dont mind so much the Extremely tall being a sentence on its own cause it adds affect but the rest just seems very 'this.' 'this.' 'this.' Make it flow.
Put the green eyes at the end of this bit. It stops the flowing when it goes 'black hair, then green eyes, then back to the hair' have all the hair descriptions together then all the eye ones together.
It's interesting that you gave this character an interesting quality as book smart. Not to mention, Les Mis has to be one of my all time favourite reads and the musical was phenominal.
That sounds a little silly, almost like it contradicts itself. Try wording it like 'She was absoluetly perfect. In a sense though, her perfection was intimidating.' Something on the same lines as that.
This could be either a) a sentence all its own or b) use a semi colon. I know, thats completely against anything I would say because I cant stand semi colons, but in this case, the brackets dont really belong.
Try the ultimate of mean girls. The ultimate mean girls sounds not very flowing in that sense.
Alright, now onto my analysis.
I applaud you on your interesting descriptions, and very nice structure, but a lot of it feels a little like your telling but not showing us what your trying to do. It felt like an info dump, like there was nothing really about the main character or anything exciting. Just a description of a bunch of snobbish girls.
But I still do like your writing language and style. It's interesting and refreshing. You have a lot of potential, and so does this story. Just fix out the kinks.
Also I recommend making your chapters a little longer. This was very short and very info-dumpish. It wouldnt really feel that way if there was more to it. More conflict. All we really read was description after description.
I give it a thumbs up though!
If you need anything else reviewed or post up the next chapter of this, just PM me and I'll be there in a jiffy
Ciao
The.Dreamwalker