Published September 9, 2011
You call her a whore,
When she just needs to be loved,
She will get on her back,
For a taste of your love,
Don’t you see what you’re doing?
No she’s not,
She’s not ‘just a girl’
Her happy place,
It’s when she lies,
Faking a smile,
Hating those goodbyes.
You’re hurting the girl,
Cutting her deep,
Using her for,
She’s not yours to keep!
So don’t tell her to get on her back,
Do not kiss her unless you repay back,
Do not fake her your love,
she’s already fallen in your trap.
One day she will grow strong,
Get a spine for that worn out back,
Stop giving to show her love,
That you will never give her back.
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141,497 Literary Works • 674,544 Reviews
Heylo!
Well, truthfully saying, I didn't quite get the poem. And, I'm saying this as a poet myself. So, just to get it clear, there is this girl and this guy and this guy is playing with this girl. Yeah? xD And he pretty much betrays her and treats her like shit. Okay dokey!
Anyhoo, you have put ALOT of commas. Some in places you don't need, and some in places where there should be a fullstop. Here is a cheat which I learned, and it doesn't always work, but most of the times it does. Every second line, add a fullstop, and every other line, comma. <- That is what you should do for any basic poem. But then again, depending upon the poem, the lines, the stanzas, etc etc, you should put the puntuation then.
Also, I noticed one thing. You started every new line of every paragraph with a capital. Someone once told me, that that is not needed. Only if the previous line ended with a fullstop must you start the next with a capital.
So yeah. In the spoiler below are some nitpicks (puntuation nitpicks, I mean.) and that's pretty much it xD
Spoiler
So, from what I understood, it was quite a good poem! Though, I felt it had more of a rap feeling to it xD But, I liked it nevertheless.
Good work!
-TMuffs.
it was very intersting! =) I would've loved to read more feelings but you went around the subject pretty nice! =>
Very well written poem, very deep.
Only someone who've gone through this feelings can write like that.
I love you poem, I'm sure it's about true feelings, and this is what art made from.
Great work.
Yeah it was intentional, I personally think if a poem is too grammar perfect it spoils it a bit, this is because poems aren't men't to be thought through, just written from the heart
Oh and by the way, I never said girls weren't lust full, every one knows we are just as bad a guys, if not worse!
Ah, Lust. One of the seven Deadly/Cardinal Sins, you know. So, onto my review. I like this poem. I like it quite a bit. There's just one thing I have to correct you on though. During one verse, you had "Girl" and "for" set up as if you were trying to rhyme them. It messed up the flow of the poem that was perfect until then, so unless that was intentional so the verse could pop out more, I'd suggest fixing that. You know though, just saying, girls can be quite lustful as well....Anyway, happy writing!