Why do we fight why cant we just get along
Just because hes gone doesn't give us the right
Just because he's gone just because he's not here
Doesn't mean that we should have our own war here
I know you wanna cry oh momma so do I
We don't need to play it storng we just need to let it out
I hope you know i love you even when i yell
I guess it's just my way of dealing with this pain
Knowing that he'll never be again
Knowin that i'll never see him again
What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry for being this way
Just because he's gone just because he's not here
Doesn't mean that we should have our own war here
I know you wanna cry oh momma so do I
We don't need to play it storng we just need to let it out
Oh momma I know you wanna let your feeling out
I know you wanna cry and I'll cry with you
But just remember that he's in a better place
All we need to do is try to get along he wouldnt want things this way
Just because he's gone just because he's not here
Doesn't mean that we should have our own war here
I know you wanna cry oh momma so do I
We don't need to play it storng we just need to let it out
Just Because He's Gone
He wouldn't want it this way
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I like the emotion that you're getting across. I like the use of repetition although it seems more like a song this way (that "Just because he's not here..." paragraph being the chorus).
I find this verse awkward because it's five lines... Not sure if it was deliberate... if so, that's fine... I can see why you'd want to emphasize the "Knowing that he'll never be again" part by repeating it.
Overall, really good job.
Hi there! You may think I'm stalking you, but I'm really not...
So, now the review!
Okay, in the first line you're only repeating yourself. The repetition of here doesn't work, change it. But I like the second line. Puntuate the third and this one is done!
Capitalize the I's. Knowing he'll never be here or with us again. Something like that. You wrote knowing well the first time, why do it wrong in the second?
The last line is confusing. It changes the subject. Now you're talking about you, when it was about him (maybe your father or the poet character?).
As I said in the other review, the repetition of a stanza here doesn't work.
Now you change the subject again, Now it's your mom (?). Brake the last line. And wouldnt should be wouldn't.
Again, repeating this stanza in this case doesn't work.
And you end this one like the other one. Not much comments there.
Anyway, as I have said, review this a bit, because you CAN make it better. Keep on writing!
P.S: Sorry I'm such a grammar freak. YWS did this to me!