Don't fear the dark
It was nearly midnight on a cold winter night, it was lightly snowing out side. You could faintly hear the cars in the distance. At the end of a street sits a small house. It's a small yellow house with white shutters, a small red car sits in the driveway.
An old man lives there all alone, his wife died 5 years ago but he still won't move on. The lawn is over grown and the house is in bad shape, it's because the man won't come out of his house and fix it up.
The old man sits in a very dark room, as he sits there he watches a candle. The flame dances back and forth from the soft breeze coming from under the door. From the little light from the candle you can faintly see the old man; you can see every one of his scars from aging.
He sits there day and night watching the never ending flame, he has sat there watching it for the last 3 years. He says " his dead wife came back and told him if he watched the flame he could hear her voice and see her" so he never stopped watching it.
On this cold night he could hear the snow getting louder and start to come down harder. The wind grew stronger and shook the little old house, yet the old man just sat there watching the flame move. And just as the clock hit midnight a knocking came from the door. The man just ignored it, but it just wouldn't stop. Soon the knocking stopped and the man returned to watching the flame. Soon foot steps were heard walking up and down the hall in front of the door, the old man was starting to get a bit scared.
The old man wanted to see what was making the noises but if he looked away he might miss his wife. He wishes she would come every night but she only comes once every week but it's different every week so he had to keep watching. The foot steps would not stop they moved back and forth moving faster and faster.
The wind outside is howling and getting faster as we'll. He heard the foot steps move up the stairs to the attic and ran around the room above him. It sounded like a child, but there are no children around here. They all live in town not out here, maybe it got lost and needs help getting home. The got ready to yell to the child when in the corner of the room he thought he saw a shadow.
So he looked over in the direction, but could still see the flame from the corner of his eye. He saw a small figure crouching down, he studied the thing. He saw it had no clothes on and you could see all it's bones, it was bald and looked almost human.The man was starting to get a feeling in his stomach that said its bad. "Hey, you there what are you doing!?" He yelled. It turned and the mans face went pail, what he saw was no human and it was no animal either.
It watched him with cold eyes, or holes were the eyes would be. The creature watched him closely, and slowly turned to face him fully. The creature was tall skinny and had long claws that reached the floor when he stood. The man was scared, he started to back up as the creature opened its mouth to speak.
It's voice came out slow and raspy, almost like it had not spoke a word for many years. "I am Sam, yes I am. I hear you fear death. Is that the truth?" The man was shocked and finally after a long silence the man finally spoke up. "Th-that is true.." The mans voice came out small and he stuttered, at the end his voice slowly faded.
The creature smiled and took a step at the old man. The man was very scared and got up. He pulled a knife from his pocket and held it like he was about to fight. Sam moved slowly to the man, he moved one of his long claws to the mans throat and moved it slowly down to his chest were his heart was.
The old man slowly lifted his knife as Sam started to laugh. As he laughed the man moved the knife and slashed Sam across the face, but Sam healed fast. Now the old man knew he made the wrong choice. Sam moved his arm up ready to slash him, and you could hear the slashing of skin and blade.
One of the two fell to the ground with a thud, and a grunt. His eyes showing only fear and tears. Slowly the candle light went out and a whisper was heard around the room. It said "I am Sam, Sam I am."
In the morning police were called to check on the old man. When they got there the window on the top floor was open and there were claw marks going down the side of the house. They ran in and saw the old man laying lifeless on the floor and his heart ripped out. The old man was facing the blown out candle reaching out to it, almost like before his last breath he tried to keep it going.
Remember Sam likes the dark, he walks in our shadows and sleeps under your bed. He is here to make our fears come true. He is watching you all the time. Remember don't be afraid of the dark, be afraid of what's in it. Will Sam ever stop?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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This was posted back in October, and I'm reviewing it in December. Hmm. Looks like I'm a little late. XD
I thought this was a very creepy story, especially the ending. Though it was good and has a nice plot to it, it was a little rough around the edges. Some things I noticed: First, there were parts that could've definitely benefited from a little polish. For example, in the beginning you write, "The lawn is over grown and the house is in bad shape, it's because the man won't come out of his house and fix it up." I think it would've sounded better if you wrote it cleaner, like, "The lawn is overgrown and the house is in bad shape, as the man won't come out to fix it." Or something like that.
Another thing I noticed is that it's a bit repetitive with its use of some words. An example: "The man just ignored it, but it just wouldn't stop. Soon the knocking stopped and the man returned to watching the flame. Soon foot steps were heard walking up and down the hall in front of the door, the old man was starting to get a bit scared." You repeat "just" twice, "stop" (well, one stop and one "stopped") twice, and "soon" twice. Not too big a deal (pretty much everyone repeats themselves now and then), but it would sound better if you tried to think of a different word to use instead, which is what I try to do whenever I can. You might want to change that to, "The man wanted to ignore it, but it just wouldn't quiet. Eventually the knocking stopped and the man returned to watching the flame. However, footsteps were soon heard walking up and down in front of the door, and the old man was starting to get a bit scared." Of course, it's your story and not mine, but that's an example.
Otherwise, I thought it was entertaining and has a lot of promise. Nice work!
Thanks for the review helps a lot
Hello there!
The plot of your story was rather unexpected; I didn't think the old man was going to die so soon at the hands of something so sinister.
The metaphor of the candle was deep- it was something that can be easily understood and related to.
There was a line in your story: 'He says " his dead wife came back and told him if he watched the flame he could hear her voice and see her" so he never stopped watching it.'
You could improve that sentence by removing the quotes and changing it to passive voice.
The last four sentences were very scary- and eye-catching too. Definitely the most memorable part of your story.
Great story, I look forward to reading your next one!
Thank you for the review, and it was something for school it was funny to see there reactions in class when I read it
They must have been terrified.
Yeah it was funny
xD
Hi there! Cheetah here to review your piece!
Wow. If this was made to scare, well done! Towards the end, it became impossible for me to take my eyes of the screen. Now, here's the real review:
What could be improved:
If this is the man talking, you need to capitalize "his" and make it a new paragraph.
[/quote]Soon foot steps were heard walking up and down the hall in front of the door, the old man was starting to get a bit scared. [/quote]
"Footsteps" is one word. There's a couple other times where you mention "foot steps" rather than "footsteps". They're pretty easy to fix.
Here you suddenly switch to present tense. Also, it should be "well" instead of "we'll". No worries, I do this all the time.
The "It's" should be changed to "Its" because it doesn't substitute "it is".
Other than that, this was really good! This story really freaked me out at the end- well done! Keep writing!
I am literally shaking from reading your story. This was a great story that sent a chill up my spine. "I am Sam, Sam I am." I can imagine just how creepy that must had sounded. It is very true, there is no need to be afraid of the dark. What matters is what you could find in the dark.
I also loved the ending. I was expecting a different ending, like the police found the man who died of natural causes indicating what he saw was an illusion. I prefer your ending better, it leaves me at a cliff hanger wondering when is Sam going to strike again. Good job and keep up the good work!
thanks and i had to read this to my class it was funny to see there reactions to it. it was really fun to write as well
I dont have a lot of time to review this right now, so, not trying to copy Cole, but I will review this ASAP!
ok dont wait so long like last time
I'll review this! I may not get to it until Friday, but I'm reserving a spot to review this. If you don't hear back from me for a while, just send me a reminder.
Best,
H.
ok thanks for saving a spot for me