Seeing children smile
Just relax for a little while
Gaze at the stars in the middle of the night
Curtains letting in the morning light
Sunday lazy morning teas
Walking through colorful spring leaves
Reading books on rainy days
Loving yourself in so many ways
Beauty of Life is here, is now, is you, is me, is forever!
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
Overall, I really love this poem. It's a beautifully calm poem, which gives me the feeling of peace. I love that. A lot of poems seem to focus on negative aspects of life (I'm specifically thinking of break-up poems), so seeing something regarding the positive aspects of life is refreshing.
As for comments. I noticed you have a rhyme scheme here. That's pretty cool. Rhyming is difficult, and you seem to do it well. There was never that awkward feeling some rhyming poetry gives the reader, where you know the word doesn't entirely fit, and is only there for the rhyme factor. I will point out that with any rhyming poem, you walk a fine line. In most poetry, rhythm isn't super noticeable, but in rhyming poetry, rhythm is a make it or break it factor. Should it not come out perfect, the poem will seem clearly flawed. I won't say your poem's rhythm is bad, but it's not the best it could be. I don't mean to sound negative, since I still really loved the poem, but just remember how key rhythm is with rhyming poetry.
You have a great visual at the bottom, but since it's there, I don't really see a need for it at the top too. You could always just have the visual, which is not common around YWS, but who said it needs to be common to happen anyway? I'm gonna point out that the white words are hard to read at the top, and I would suggest giving them a black outline. It should make them easier to read.
My last comment is to include stanzas. Sure, this is a short poem, but I would definitely argue that stanzas are still important. It gives the poem a nice visual aspect, as well as better organization and formatting.
Overall, great job! I look forward to seeing more from you! Keep up the great work!
Heyo and welcome to Young Writers Society! I'm Lupa and I'm here to review your work.
Let's get into it!
1) The first few lines are great, and they do really describe the happy things in life. However, the lines in this poem are pretty short, even if they're describing something that could be elaborated on. For example, the first line:
This is pretty vague. There's plenty of possibilities for description. An example is:
Not the best example, but you get my point. You could turn a simple line to something beautiful with only a little description.
2) There's a line that doesn't make much sense to me. Here it is:
There are no verbs in this line, which makes it confusing. Also, the word "teas" isn't the best word to use here. I assume you're talking about cups of tea, but "teas" describes the leaves used to make tea. I don't think that's what you're going for here.
That's all I have for you today! This is a very gentle poem, and I enjoy doing/seeing all of the things you mentioned. I can't wait to see more of your work on YWS! Keep writing and have a great day/night.
XOX,
Lupa22
Hello, Steggy here for a short review!
Your main idea for this poem seems to focus more on the smaller things in life that seem to go unnoticed when we are busy looking at the bigger picture aka the bigger stress and things. There also seems to be a bit of a cheerful vibe through out this poem and the rhyming scheme kind of brings that out. You also give a kind of a short description of a small thing that most people want to do but can't. However, like what Fox said below, you should try adding some more small things. Basically, you could expand this poem a little more with some smaller things. Like, for example, you could do writing or sleeping. Another thing I suggest is prehaps having some of these words italizied to show some meaning behind or to stand out for the reader to see (you could make the words beauty of life in italics because it relates back to the title).
For the first two stanzas, I kind of wanted a hook for a beginning, if that makes sense. Although I do like how you started it off, it feels kind of sudden. The next line after doesn't really make sense because the way I'm thinking of it is the children relax for a while but I think you mean someone should relax for a while? If so, you could probably say 'you should relax for a while' or something similar.
I like the differences between night and day in these two stanzas, mainly because it shows you can enjoy the smaller thing at either time. One thing I would suggest here is some is some punctuation because with that, like italics, it can bring out the stops and pauses for when the reader is reading which also helps with rhythm and whatnot.
I understand you were trying to make this a couplet but I feel like the plural teas just don't exactly seem like the right word for this entire stanzas. Also, the wording to describe the teas also doesn't seem to make sense because it seems a tad bit wordy. I suggest just changing it to 'Lazy Sunday morning tea' or something similar.
The ending towards this seems, like the previous stanza, a bit wordy. To begin, you could change 'beauty of life' to just 'the beauty of life' and with the listing, it could be simply placed into different stanzas to (at least that's what I would do).
The picture at the bottom of this poem seems to kind of drag away from the point of the poem. What I mean by that is when the reader is reading, they could easily get distracted and look down towards the bottom. But if you were to keep the picture, you should make the word easier to read in a different font and color. Like black and times new roman or something. Also, be careful to not include your full name; even though some people do it, thinking that no one would steal it, it happens. So, what you could do is just replace your name with your YWS and be safe that way.
Overall, I enjoyed this poem because it focuses on the simple things in life. You do a nice job with describing the smaller things in life. Oh and welcomed to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here. If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
Hey,
thank you really much for the review. I read it all and I'm really happy that you enjoyed it, but also told me the things I could improve. I will definitely change the things you mentioned and upload it again. Thank you really much xoxo
Hello, hopefullyawriter, and welcome to YWS! I'm here to review your poem!
This one is sweet and gentle. You include a series of bright and happy images of the beauty of the world, usually in its little moments. Each line is evocative and carries strong connotations, whether in relaxing (indoors or outdoors), sipping warm tea, reading books, or walking among the trees. This collage of images is welcoming and eases the mind. My major problem, though, is that I'd like to see a bit more. The poem could be even stronger with some more color and description in each of the lines. Indeed, the concepts they depict are strong, but they only give a small view of the settings and emotions that they're caught up in. For instance, take "Gaze at the stars in the middle of the night." What kinds of stars are visible here? Are clouds or trees blocking the sky? What does the narrator think about all of this? It is wonderful, sad, nostalgic, etc.? This can allow you to flesh out your poem and core ideas, strengthening your message and further building upon the emotions of your audience.
Otherwise, I'm not sure what else to say. "Beauty of life" as the beginning of the final line seems a bit awkward, and I think "The beauty of life" would flow better. At least the rhyme scheme is wonderfully implemented, though I'm not sure what to make of rhyming line pairs. I feel like they should have similar structures, as the last two lines of the first stanza demonstrate, for consistency and order, or they may come across as awkward. For instance, you could write "Gaze at the stars in the middle of the night/Watch the curtains letting in the morning light". Regardless, this is a graceful poem that I enjoyed reading from start to finish, and I think it has a lot of potential. Nice job!
Hello,
xoxo
Thank you for the review. I am really happy that you still liked it and I will definitely have a look at all the things you mentioned. Thanks again! For everything!