Young Writers Society

The moon. they say, will never care

Why is there a period here?

The moon, always there in the sky

The wording here is quite awkward to say. Switching the words around to "there always" flows much better.

But though she does what she desires,
the moon is one you would admire.

You had perfect rhymes up until here, and so this set feels a bit out of place, especially since with a bit of tweaking, this set could very easily be a set of perfect rhymes.

She's not naive, she never was.
There's still light in her heart of brass.
Again. I'll say, she's not what she seems.
There's more of her beyond those rims.

And I'm left wondering what just happened to the rhyme present in the rest of the poem. It just evaporates completely from this last stanza, and it's a bit jarring. It's one thing to change the rhyme scheme for the last stanza, but to completely get rid of it is another matter entirely. It just doesn't make sense.

There's also another oddly-placed period after "again".

Rhyming issues aside, the meter in some places was a bit rocky. I pointed out one instance, though there were a few, less-noticeable others scattered throughout. Additionally, this poem was a bit vague. For instance, the "they" in "they bear" in the second line brings up the question of "Which they?" There is a "they" in the first line and a "they" in the second; do they both refer to the same "they"? Who is "they" in the first line to begin with.

These vague ambiguities don't help your poem, and make it less memorable than it could be and brings up far more questions than it answers. If you were to expand upon this poem, answer those questions, and incorporate more specific details, this poem would become much stronger.