Young Writers Society

Stars appear on velvet sky
as#FF0000 ">those cheerful sun beams fade.
They wave the sunny rays goodbye
and in the darkness, #FF0000 ">they stayed.

The western sky is turning dark,
now #FF0000 ">the silver moon appears.
Upon us all its light would mark,
flooding #FF0000 ">our eyes just like eyes with tears.

It now seems clear the sun would rest
as night takes #FF0000 ">the place of day.
But is it really for the best
if its joyful glow would #FF0000 ">not stay?

That is for now but later on
we would feel its light#FF0000 "> once more again,
right after the breaking of dawn,
we'll know what #FF0000 ">the sun is for.

Stars appear on velvet sky
as#FF0000 ">those cheerful sun beams fade.
They wave the sunny rays goodbye
and in the darkness, #FF0000 ">they stayed.

The western sky is turning dark,
now #FF0000 ">the silver moon appears.
Upon us all its light would mark,
flooding #FF0000 ">our eyes just like eyes with tears.

It now seems clear the sun would rest
as night takes #FF0000 ">the place of day.
But is it really for the best
if its joyful glow would #FF0000 ">not stay?

That is for now but later on
we would feel its light#FF0000 "> once more again,
right after the breaking of dawn,
we'll know what #FF0000 ">the sun is for.

Light
he sun, the moon and the stars #0000BF ">I suggest a capital on the T's on the

Stars appear on velvet sky #0000BF ">Comma after sjy
as those cheerful sun beams fade. #0000BF ">as the cheerful sun beams fade.
They wave the sunny rays goodbye#0000BF ">Sun not sunny, comma after goodbye
and in the darkness, they stayed. #0000BF ">Putting stayed at the end is a bit awkward, maybe stay and change fade on the second line or reword.

The western sky is turning dark, #0000BF ">The western sky has turned dark
now the silver moon appears.
Upon us all its light would mark, #0000BF ">A bit awkward, in my opinion
flooding our eyes just like tears.

It now seems clear the sun would rest #0000BF ">It now seems clear the sun will rest
as night takes the place of day.
But is it really for the best #0000BF ">Comma after best
if its joyful glow would not stay? #0000BF ">if its joyful glow will not stay?

That is for now but later on#0000BF ">Comma after on
we would feel its light once more,
right after the breaking of dawn,
we'll know what the sun is for.

You had good imagery with this and described stuff very well. I think this is a great topic and you did a great job with the emotion and everything. You used some interesting words which kept it moving and exciting. I don't really have anything too detailed for you, but I think you did an awesome job. Keep writing, and keep up the good work!

holyiao wrote:the sun, the moon and the stars

Stars appear on velvet sky #4000FF ">Stars appear on the velvety sky
as those cheerful sun beams fade. #4000FF ">as cheerful beam of the sun fades.
They wave the sunny rays goodbye #4000FF ">They wave the sunny rays’ goodbye
and in the darkness, they stayed.

The western sky is turning dark,
now the silver moon appears.
Upon us all its light would mark,
flooding our eyes just like tears. #4000FF ">The last two lines were a bit confusing or I might say not so clear. Rewording it might work.

It now seems clear the sun would rest #4000FF ">You just said the moon is up, then from where did the sun come? I guess you wanted to type moon and typed sun instead.
as night takes the place of day.
But is it really for the best
if its joyful glow would not stay?

That is for now but later on #4000FF ">There should be a comma after now.
we would feel its light once more,
right after the breaking of dawn,
we'll know what the sun is for.

Welcome to YWS!! I will ensure you you'll Love it..
Now for the review.. I have no nitpicks.. It was so good!! I instantly loved it.. The rhyme scheme was good and the flow was smooth and gentle.. Most of all you made it very clear what you were speaking about so no confusion and problem at all... good job..
Harshita:)

First off, welcome to YWS!

Wow, I really loved this poem, there's some great imagery and it left me with a warm fuzzy sort of feeling, what I would suggest though, is making it longer. I feel like this poem has so much potential, and that right now, it's just the bare bones. I do have some critique for what you've got though!

holyiao wrote:the sun, the moon and the stars

Stars appear on #FF0000 ">a velvet sky#FF0000 ">,
as thosecheerful sun beams fade #FF0000 ">away.
They wave the sunny rays goodbye#FF0000 ">,
#FF0080 ">in the falling dark they'll stayed.

Hmmm, this stanza doesn't really rhyme as much as I'd like it to, so I've changed a few things ^_^

The western sky is turning dark,
now the silver moon appears.
Upon us all its light #FF0000 ">will mark,
flooding our eyes just like #FF0080 ">crystal tears.

It now seems clear the sun #FF0000 ">will rest #FF8000 ">I'm very confused by this line O_o
as night takes the place of day#FF0000 ">,
#FF0000 ">but is it really for the best
if its joyful glow #FF0000 ">will not stay?

That is for now#FF0000 ">, because later on
we #FF0000 ">will feel its light once more,
right #FF0000 ">soon after the breaking of dawn,
we'll know what the sun is #FF0000 ">really for.#FF0080 ">..

Epic! I really liked this poem! Good job!

Light
the sun, the moon and the stars

Stars appear on velvet sky
as those cheerful sun beams fade.
They wave the sunny rays goodbye
and in the darkness, they stayed.

The western sky is turning dark,
now the silver moon appears.
Upon us all its light would mark,
flooding our eyes just like tears.

It now seems clear the sun would rest
as night takes the place of day.
But is it really for the best
if its joyful glow would not stay?

That is for now but later on
we would feel its light once more,
right after the breaking of dawn,
we'll know what the sun is for.