Published June 23, 2011
cries lurk every room
suicide around the corner
maddening
wanting this to end
why? why?!
the wonderers ranting
the stiffness
ice cold breath against their cheeks
no one knew
homicide?
not possible
the pills the drugs
making us wish
end it all
END IT ALL
cries lurk every room
the mad house has rissen
angry and death bellows upon you
its a drug
goodbye....
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,869 Literary Works • 672,361 Reviews
Overall I thought this poem was alright but it needs some work and then it could be a really great piece!
Peace,
Snickerdooly
Wow! That's heavy stuff. I love it though. You have a choppy style, but you've definitely been able to use that to your advantage. Great job on that! Love your word choice and everything. You could add a bit more to this poem, maybe some descriptions of other feelings and things like that, but overall, it's great! Good job!
TS
Hi there, Holly.
Let's get to the real substance of the review without any dilly-dallying.
A) Poetic structure. Poetic structure is a very crucial part of poem-writing, believe it or not. It decides how the poem will, for lack of a better term, "behave". What I mean by this is that it decides how the poem will flow, its atmosphere and proper use of grammatical issues.
i. ATMOSPHERE - The atmosphere is as important as fluidity and the audience's review. The atmosphere, is, in simple English, the "emotions". So, if you're goal is for your poem to possess a haunting atmosphere, then usually you may want adjust your vocabulary and structure to a way that would represent that well. You might use words like "darkness", "obscurity" or "cathedral", depending on its (the poem's) concept.
ii. FLUIDITY - Fluidity of a poem is extremely important and it's also one of the major things overlooked by young poets. How flowing a poem is can affect the meter (poetic rhythm) or be affected by it (the meter). The fluidity is like, for lack of a better simile, how liquid or not liquid the processed cheese on Kraft Dinner is. It's a personal preference sometimes, but usually people like the cheese runny but not too runny. Moderately fluid.
iii. GRAMMAR - The grammar of a poem is so important. It's something I tend to emphasize a lot on because I strongly believe in it. Poetic grammar ties in wonderfully with atmosphere and fluidity. However, the poetic grammar can be often tedious because it can vary drastically from poem to poem.
Now. I'd really like to focus on these crucial things to a great poem. First on the list: atmosphere.
B) Atmosphere. It appears that your atmosphere isn't very developed and that's mainly due to grammar which also affects the fluidity like I've previously stated. However, I think you're trying to tackle a serious and/or dark feeling to this poem. To successfully pull this off, I suggest you try out new and creative words. Sometimes flipping to a random page in a dictionary or a book can really teach you something. If, however, you do not own an awesome dictionary (which is best!) you can always go on to http://www.dictionary.com. It's a very useful website.
C) Fluidity & Grammar. Because these two key points usually walk hand in hand, I'll talk about them in the same area. Your grammar, to be blunt, leaves much to be desired which, unfortunately, affects the flow of poem for the worse. Try capitalizing the first word of each line, but I also am aware that some poets like to leave everything lower case and I think this poem could really pull it off just being the way it is. So with that aside, I now suggest a few grammar/punctuation alterations (my changes are in bold):
Please don't take these suggestions all to heart. It's what I like and you may prefer something else, another style. However, I think it looks and reads really well like this
Overall, I think this poem has potential or else I wouldn't have written this all. It has an interesting idea that could be executed really well with some good planning.
Yours,
Lavvie
Alright, since the previous reviewer got the majority of the nit-picky grammar and punctuation errors, I'll just give my personal opinion
I think this is pretty good, very intense and serious. I feel like you could go extremely far with this subject. Maybe use some more description when going through all of the madness, all of the intense and frightening feeling. It would make this even more powerful than it already is
Keep writing!
<3 Sara.
Hey-o. I like this poem, it shows how deep feelings go and how they effect us. Nitpicks:
1. You have no capitols. A capitol letter should go at the beginning of each line whether it's the beginning of the sentence or not. It will add to the seriousness of your poem and make it look more mature and thus more credible.
2. You have little punctuation.
With capitols and punctuation, that's how this should read. Punctuation adds to the flow of the poem.
3.
It's
4. Another thing to add to the flow would be breaking this into stanzas. I see many places to create a stanza:
I like the repetitveness of "Cries" and how when you want to make a point to the reader it gets repeated.Try not to do that to often in a poem, though. Or the real meaning of the poem gets muddled.
Overall it's a great poem. Keep writing!
Thats pretty intense. I dug the flow of it.. it was chaotic and abrupt, and I feel that it fit them theme very well. Just out of curiosity, though, was there any particular inspiration for this piece or no? Either way. great poem.
