The church bells are ringing
The choir is singing,
For there will be a wedding today.
There is laughter, there is love,
Because no depression or sadness can stay.
He wipes away the tears,
While his daughter walks down the aisle.
And as she looks,
With one quick glimpse,
She sees her father with a smile.
Now she looks at the groom,
Knowing that he is nervous,
And knows that their new life will be starting soon.
He’s the one, she thinks to herself, as she says,” I do.”
Their kiss was like fireworks,
It was a dream come true.
Now forty years have gone by,
And she is seventy-two.
Her groom sits beside her bed crying,
For soon she will be gone,
He starts praying to God, for her to stay very long.
The nurses then come in,
And her family to,
She then turns to her husband and uses her last breathe to say,” I love you.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I really like it, but I also agree wit hawkie. It's an uneven rythum, and there are some gramatical errors.
"While his daughter walks down the aisle.
And as she looks,
With one quick glimpse,
She sees her father with a smile."
Sorry, I don't know how to do the quote thing. Here you have two lines inbetween the rhyme. At the beginning:
"The church bells are ringing
The choir is singing,"
There isn't any at all.
But all in all, I liked it. Could be improved, but a very good start!
Heylo. ^^ I'm Hawkie and it looks like I'll be your first review! I'm honored. ^^
Let's get down to business, shall we?
I'm going to be completely honest with you and say that this could use quite a lot of work. It's all telling, no showing, and the meter is very uneven. For example:
The last line is way longer than the others. Not good.
When I say "showing" and "telling," I mean this: Throughout your poem, you're talking about the bride and groom's wedding. You say things like "he was nervous" and "there is laughter and love." Sure, I believe you, but I don't see it for myself. I don't feel it. Showing does that, not telling.
Telling: He was very nervous.
Showing: He sweated profusely, playing with the collar of his suit.
Should be "too." Two o's.
This is a pet peeve of mine, actually: "Breath" is the noun, i.e. a breath of air. "Breathe" is the verb, to take in air, inhale and exhale. ^^ So it should be "breath" here.
Poetry is all about flow. I think if you work on yours this could be a very good poem. It's a very nice concept, I'll give you that! It reminds me a bit of my poem, "Four Roses." *hands cookie*
Sorry if that was harsh. I'll hope to see you around, 'kay?
Keep writing!
-Hawks-