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Young Writers Society



The Other Realm, Chapter One.

by holly_jean16


**As I said above this is a first draft. So please tell what you think and what I need to change. Thank you very much I hope you enjoy. I'll have chapter one up as soon as possible!!

*** Okay this is the revised "Prologue" which I turned into the first chapter. I decide that I will write that later when I know where the story is going. Thank you to all who reviewed you really helped me fix it up. I hope you enjoy the revised verison better.

Chapter One.

The room was dark, curtains were drawn and no candles had been lit. James Roth sat with his feet on the table, alone. He stood shaking his head, and he looked at his watch.

“12 minutes late.” He walked over to a desk, opened a drawer and pulled out a small box of matches.

“Let me help you with that,” said a female voice from the door way.

James slowly turned around, to see Kade leaning against the door frame; he always thought she was beautiful with her sharp-featured face and bright orange hair. She was tall and slender, her violet eyes showed her confidence. Something about her was pleasant, but James had no interest, she may be physically appealing but she was a witch.

She tugged on her ear, all the candles in the room lit with a dark blue flame.

“Ah, that’s better.”

“Thanks, you saved me a lot of trouble.”

“Anytime, babe.”

“Kade, how many times do I have to tell you that I’m not interested?”

“Yeah, Kade,” said Aurora Ray tossing her long black hair in Kade’s face as she walked into the room, “when are you going to learn that he just doesn’t like red heads.” Aurora had always been James’ best friend. She had been there when his parents were murdered 76 years ago, she knew how to lighten the mood. With Elemental power of fire she was a strong one, always in control of her powers and it was no wonder James had chosen her as his first in command for the Clan of Switch. Aurora turned smirking Kade’s hand shot out, and dark blue flames burst forward towards Aurora, she held up her hand just in time to catch the fire. She chuckled.

“When are you also going to learn that you can’t fight fire with fire?” Aurora shook her head.

Damian Reeves walked in the room tall and confident with his chocolate brown eyes and dark brown hair, with a wave of his hand the fire Aurora was holding went out. “Yeah you have to fight it with water or air.” he walked past all of them and sat down, at the far end of the table, Aurora followed. Damian had never been one for fun and games, he was the serious type, gifted with the Elemental power of air, the kind of man you would want to lead you in a war, and he was James’ second in command.

James leaned on the desk waiting for the rest to arrive. Kade sat down across from Aurora who was playing with a small ball of purple fire.

Willow Rose and Rylan Rodes were next to arrive.

Willow shook her head, her choppy chin length black hair was just as messy as ever. There was laughter in her deep hazel eyes, even though the expression on her heart-shaped face was a serious one.

“Sorry were late,” she whispered “some tracker demons caught up to us.” James nodded. Willow sat next to Aurora and Rylan next to her.

Rylan, what could James say about him, he had the annoying habit of disappearing when he is needed. He was gifted the Elemental power of Earth. He was calm but persistent, never rushing into things half-cocked, but always after some new bad guy, and he was James’ third in command.

The twins Noah and Noelle walked in just then. There were the spiting image of each other, both with springy blond curls and crystal clear blue eyes. They both inherited the Elemental power of Water from their mother, they never really knew her.

“I was swimming,” Noah said looking down and he walked over and sat next to Kade, he was hopelssly in love with her, but she could careless.

“I don’t want to talk about what happened to me.” Noelle mumbled she flipped her blond hair over her shoulder and sat down next to her twin brother who was flirting helplessly with Kade but she had her eyes on James who stood at the head of the table.

Everyone was silent.

“Thanks for finally making it,” James looked at his watch, “16 minutes late.”

He looked around. “I have your new charges assuming you all were able to switch last week’s charges.” Everyone nodded.

“Good. We have a light load this week, one for each of us.” He snapped his fingers and white folders fell, with a boom, on the table. Snapping again a white folder appeared in front of him.

“Who’s that?” Kade asked jealousy flashing in her violet eyes.

“A charge,” He replied stiffly.

“But why not let us see it first?” She demanded.

“Everyone else is picking out there files Kade, why don’t you?”

“Cause I want to know what’s so special about that charge!” She argued.

There was a long, silent pause.

“She is... she is ah, getting spirit.”

Everyone was now looking at James

“But there hasn’t been a new Spirit Elemental for over 60 years.” Exclaimed Willow

He nodded flipping open the file, “Anyone going to Washington?”

“No, Florida” said Willow.

“Texas.” Damian shrugged.

“California baby!” shouted Noelle.

“I’ll be in Oregon,” Aurora sighed happily. “I love Oregon!!”

“Ahh, Maine,” whined Kade.

“Rylan?” asked James.

“Uh,” he flipped open his file. “I’ll be in Washington. Seattle, Washington.”

“Noah?”

“Georgia.” He replied.

James stood.

“Alright, I will see you all next week, call me if...”

“Uh, James?” said Damian “The power orbs?”

“Oh, right.” With a wave of his hand seven power orbs appeared in front of his companions, he snapped his fingers one orb appeared in front of him, he touched the orb absorbing its power. Everyone stood when they were finished.

“Let us go.” James walked to the door “Kade do me a favor and put out the candles.

“Whatever.” With a flick of her wrist all the candles went out. She shut the office door on her way out, following the others down the hall leading to the exit.

They walked out the door into a lush field surrounded with beautiful trees and multi-colored flowers. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining through the tops of the trees and in the distance you could the roar of a waterfall.

“Let’s go Noah,” said Noelle “See you all later.”

Noelle stuck her hand out, fist balled, she open her hand then slowly raised her arm. A puddle of water appeared at her feet. She walked on the puddle her body melting into the water, Noah followed.

They were gone.

With a flick of his wrist Damian dried up the puddle.

“We’ll see you later.” Willow told the remaining seven clan members. She and Rylan ran, disappearing into the trees.

“Bye.” Said Kade with one last stabbing glare at Aurora she left, her entire body erupting in dark blue flames, a second later she was gone.

“Well I’ll see you two later.” said James cracking a smile.

“Wait,“ Aurora began “Are you going to be okay? I mean the last Spirit Elemental was you brother and...”

James cut her off. “I’ll be fine really. I won’t kill this one, promise!” His moss green eyes were stone. He raked his hands through his dark brown hair. “I, ah... bye” Smoke engulfed him; he floated up then disappeared completely.

“I guess we better go.” Damian stated. “Don’t forget dinner with my father tonight.”

“I won’t,” said Aurora giving Damian a quick kiss on the cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She smiled “Bye!” Aurora took a step back then burst into flames the same way Kade had, only her flames were purple.

She was gone.

Damian shook his head, laughing he looked at his watch. “Oh crap.”

He blinked as a gust of wind carried him away, breaking him down into small particles, like pollen, until he blended in with the sky above.


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User avatar
73 Reviews


Points: 6245
Reviews: 73

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Sat Apr 11, 2009 1:43 am
winie603 wrote a review...



The room was dark, curtains were drawn and no candles had been lit. James Roth sat with his feet on the table alone. He stood shaking his head, he looked at his watch.- This really caught my attention, good hook.

In the blink of an eye he was gone.- I read this again and again in books, try to make a more surprising cliffhanger.

I like the story, but there needs to be a lot more description! First, where are they exactly? And the characters need to be described better too.
Hoped this helped!




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104 Reviews


Points: 1499
Reviews: 104

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Fri Apr 10, 2009 8:41 pm
Storm_Bringer wrote a review...



Hey Holly!

Well, this was very interesting, although I was confused with all the characters. You should add some discription to add to the characters so we know who is who or just cut some of them out for right now because this is a prologue, which to me doesn't seem very prologue-ish. It seems more like a first chapter. Prologue's are usually more mysterious, or stuff like that. :wink:


Onto the Nitpicks!


James Roth sat with his feet on the table alone.

Comma after table.

He stood shaking his head, he looked at his watch.

Add "and" after the comma.

pulled out a small box of matches,

Period not comma.

“Let me help you with that.” Said a female voice from the door way.

Comma not period after "that". The S in said isn't capitalized. Doorway is one word.

“Thanks you saved me a lot of trouble.”

Comma after thanks.

“Any time babe.”

"Anytime, babe."

“Yeah Kade,” Said Aurora Ray tossing her long black hair

"Yeah, Kade," said Aurora Ray...

James looked at his watch “16 minutes late.”

Comma after watch.

Willows yellow sun dress

Willow's yellow sun dress.

“Swimming.” Noah said

Comma not period.

Everyone nodded

Period at the end.

She demanded

she demanded.

Aurora giving Damian a quick kiss on the cheek. “I love you.”

Woah. :shock: I thought Aurora like James.

There were more nitpicks but it was all about the dialogue so I didn't get them. I see that you have that problems of wrong dialogue punctuation. Here is a link that might help. Right Here!

If it doesn't look around the Knowledge Base for more info.

I think, as I said, earlier, that you should add more description in this. That way the readers can see who is who by there personality.

Grammer, you have to work on. After many of the dialogues you forgot the punctuation. For example:

“No, Florida” said Willow

“Texas.” Damian shrugged

“California baby!” shouted Noelle

Even in dialogue you still need punctuation. :wink:

Your characters: I really didn't know who was who. James was obviously the leader but what else about him? Plus I could quite figure out who your MC (main character) was because of all the other people. Maybe clear that up a bit?

Well, I hope this helps. If yo have any questions on my review feel free to PM me. If you want me to review something else go to my Will Review For Food thread. At my signature there is a link. :D

Good job!
~Storm :D





Meet me in Montauk.
— Charlie Kaufman