Published August 5, 2011
This is only part of the first chapter, thanks for reading it!
It was the summer day everyone loved, the warm sun beating on your face, your feet dangling into the harbor of the local boat marina. I sat beside my best friend, Alana, and my boyfriend of eight months, Austin. Tomorrow was the first day of our sophomore year at our school, Saint Lebanon United, the local private school. Most of the kids in our town, Lebanon Grove, Maine, went to Saint Lebanon United. It was an upper-class township in which every kid had an iPhone or Droid, where every kid got money for just passing each class. Saint Lebanon United was known for its grades, yet a lot of kids I know are just in SLU because their parents had added enough zeros to the check each month.
“I can’t believe summer is almost over, it seems like just yesterday school got out,” I said, as I dipped my bare feet in the harbor.
“I can’t believe I won’t be going to school with you both this year, it’ll feel so weird going to public school,” Alana said. Her father had lost his job right after school ended, he just got one but he had already dropped her out of SLU and signed her up at public school in case he hadn’t been able to get a job again. She would be going to SLU again next year.
“Just don’t fall in love with those annoying public school boys,” Austin joked. The three of us had been best friends for as long as I can remember. Austin and I started dating eight months ago. I don’t really know how it happened, but we were just sitting on the bench waiting for Alana’s shift at work to end and he leaned in to kiss me. It was magical, everything I had ever dreamed my first kiss would be. After that we just tried to pretend it hadn’t happened but then at homecoming he asked me to go with him and we just kinda made it official then.
“Like I could, that would mean getting over Luke, which I am pretty sure will never ever happen,” Alana had this major crush on Luke Billip ever since we were in third grade, honestly I think she could do better so I don’t know why she doesn’t tell him. Not that many girls like him so he would be lucky to have a girl as pretty as her. Alana is one of those girls who think they are super ugly and constantly put themselves down, when in reality I have always been jealous of Alana’s looks. Her wavy, blond hair and bright blue eyes could make any girl jealous. She was also one of those girl who could eat whatever they wanted and not gain a pound, which is why she consistently weighed 115 pounds with her 5’4 frame. Me? I had the most annoying brown hair with some weird colored green eyes and a 5’5 130 frame.
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138,206 Literary Works • 672,082 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Alright, so this is very simple chapter one, that appears mostly to be geared towards introducing the characters, which is quite fun, and definitely does work in most situations, but I will say this particular chapter one feels a bit incomplete and there's a bit too much detail being dumped on us this early in the story.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright, looks like things are getting underway with a simple reference to how the surroundings are for this person, very relaxed start, and also quite interesting to see quite how much focus is put on the status of those children in the school she goes to and I'm quite certain that is also meant to contrast with this person's own financial situation.
Hmm, well this looks to be something that could certainly set a story like this in motion. That seems like the sort of thing to happen in life that can send it in all sorts of directions when you have to go away to a different school for a bit...and I have a feeling I know what the main issue might be considering that particular title that you've chosen here.
Okay...normally I'm not a fan of interrupting an ongoing conversation in a story for a backstory based infodump like this one here, but I think in this particular situation it actually kind of makes sense and if my suspicions about this story having to do with this person's love life, this is certainly pretty important for us to know here...although this particular love situation isn't with the girl that's actually going off to a different school I guess.
Okay...well now that went into a perhaps a bit too much detail, its not the smoothest way to reveal what these characters look like, and I think you don't need to spell out that part of her personality quite that thoroughly cause we can see it just from the way she speaks there. And also this makes for a bit of abrupt ending, there's no cliffhanger, or any sense of things winding to the close of a chapter.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this makes for a pretty decent start to a story, but once again I have to say, the ending is just not really an ending...so you might want to add more or have something make the conversation feel like its coming to some sort of end here. Anyway that's all I gotta say for now
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hiya!
I'm just tryna help! ^.^
Okay, this might sound a little harsh, I'm sorry.
This wasn't an interesting or funny beginning. It didn't draw me in. It didn't make me want to continue reading. Also, information overload. We don't want all this information dumped on us at once. We don't want you to tell us the whole story and background at once. It's called an infodump. And it's not pretty, especially not in the beginning of the story. Just rewrite this paragraph completely. Alana is the girl's best friend? Show that by how they talk and interact with each other. Austin is her boyfriend? Show that by him kissing her or holding her around the waist or something. Tomorrow's the first day at their school? Show that by them talking about it. And don't give us the low down on how great SLU is and how wealthy the students are, show that when school opens, or show the main character feeling nervous about going to school with the rich kids. I hope you get me?
The dialogue here seems kind of fake, it needs to be improved (I have that problem too uuurrghh). And we don't need that info about Alana, again, info dump.
You brought up the eight months thing again. These paragraphs were pretty much all info-dumping, and telling. Do we really need to know the history with her boyfriend and how they started dating? All at once? You can drop this in throughout the story, don't tell us all at once. It's really boring. And the part about Alana is okay, I guess..something's wrong with it, but I can't pinpoint what, sorry. The last part I didn't really like, because who thinks in so much detail about their exact hair color, eye color height and weight? Sprinkle her description throughout the story.
Ugh, sorry if I sounded harsh, (I am by no means a talented writer) but this looks like it could be a pretty awesome story, if handled well, so it just needs to be worked on. I think by skulking around YWS, you'll improve your writing a lot, by reading the writing tutorial posts and other writers' work and stuff. ^.^ If you have any questions PM me or anything, 'kay?
Hey there!
I noticed that you reviewed some of the earlier chapters of my novel, so I thought I'd return the favour.
This isn't a bad start to a novel, but I agree with other reviewers in that it's a bit too in your face with some of the information. A novel enables you to spend time letting the readers get to know your characters, but as it is here, it's as if you're trying to tell us as much about your characters as possible in the first chapter.
I like the idea that you already have conflict; one of the girls going off to a new school, so they won't all be going to the same place for the first time. But I'd like to know more about how your MC feels about it. Is she sad, annoyed?
I don't think you needed to describe Alana's ex in such detail. You have chapters and chapters to drop in hints about him and what he was like, so it feels a bit off to read it all in one go. It's hard to swallow as a reader too.
Basically, when writing a novel, subtlety is key. Give the reader information in dribs and drabs, rather than all at once. In a short story, it's okay to be more blunt, but with a novel it could just end up putting the reader off.
That said, this isn't a bad start to a story. Keep writing!
xDudettex
I liked this, it was short and sweet even though it was just part of a chapter. Even though it was short, it was packed with information and the perfect amount of details. I liked it, so tell me when you add more to it. And, it was interesting, made me want to read more. No edits.
Keep Writing! Good Job!
Nike
Like the story so far! It's very descriptive,and I like that fact that it could lead almost anyware! I'll be following along to read more
This is actually a good beginning. There are a few grammar mistakes that you need to look at but I'm fairly interested. I will be back for the whole chapter. I love the title by the way
Keep it and I can't wait to read the others.
I guess this is an okay beginning. Nothing exciting has really happened. Yet. There isn't anything "messed up" that I can sense in this first chapter, but I'm pretty confident that the complexity of your story will grow as it progresses. Correct? You put a bunch of information in the first chapter. Some of them memories and others just general info on Alana. I'm not accusing you of info-dumping, because I actually think the way you reveal information in here is pretty neat, but just be wary of it. You could reveal all this information at a different time.
I do, however, feel that this chapter is incomplete. Again, nothing's really happened yet. Your MCs are just sitting casually at a harbor having small talk. They don't seem to have much distinguishing them either in their dialogue. Perhaps you can amplify Austin's joker personality, add a complaint in the narrator's dialogue for summer being too short and her going to miss Alana terribly or maybe she won't miss her best friend... (perhaps Alana made things awkward between Austin and the MC), or even make Austin and the MC hold hands (after all, they are in love, right?). If this were a published book and the end of your first chapter, I'm not sure if I'd read on... First chapters are really important. Often times, it's the difference between which book you'll borrow from the library or buy in a book store for a long airplane ride. Perhaps, you could throw in a cliff hanger or a secret? Try to think of a powerful hook so the reader can't let go of the book even if they wanted to.
TwoOne more things. If you don't describe the physical traits of characters, the more relate-able they become to all different kinds of readers. (Can't remember the second thing I wanted to tell you, I'll add a comment if I remember later.) Anyways, good job with the setting and being able to pinpoint exactly where your story is taking place. And gook luck with your novel! Happy writing! :3 (PM me if you'd like me to review your second chapter or if you edit it and want me to review that)You can replace the red comma with a colon. This guy--> :
*didn't
Past tense. Your story is in past tense. Does is present.
Ah. This is a tricky grammar thing. I added parentheses to help explain.
Your subject is "one" although "girls" in the prepositional phrase is plural, your verbs must compliment your subject. Therefore, "think" should be "thinks" and "put", "puts".