My First Love Chapter One

Authors Note: this story used to be about a 22 year old not a high schooler so please DO point out the mistakes that are simply because of the age. They are NOT meant to be there. Thanks in advance. When you edit mine I will try to edit a story of yours. I am going back to edit the people who commented on my other story so please don't think I'm lying. Also please edit my other stories, there are lots I know, sorry :) Ok, well off to edit hope you enjoy the story I appologize in advance for errors :) <3

Mandi Smith

“Mandi, do you want bacon with your eggs?” Mom asked, pushing her brownish-blond hair over her shoulder.

“Yes, please,” I replied from my seat at the kitchen table. My eyes moved over her what used to be slender frame before

she got pregnant. She is in excellent shape, and I can only hope to have a figure like that when I reach her age and have had three kids and expecting one.

Her brown eyes met mine. “You better hurry up if we’re going to head out to go shopping.”

“Mom, I have plans with Sam and Rachel. And later tonight I'm going out with Nick.”

Rachel, Rach for short, has been my friend since I was little. We are the type of friends that live next door to each other

since the day we were born and just became instant friends since our families were friends. She knows all my secrets and

is a loyal, trustworthy friend. Rach has long brown hair and blue eyes. When we were little I was jealous of how pretty she

was. She has been dating Ross for almost two years now.

Ross is very soft spoken when he wants to be and very loud at other times. When he is against something that is all you

hear about for weeks. Eventually you just learn to ignore him when he goes into those phases. He is about five foot nine.

My other friend Samantha, Sam for short, has been my friend since I was seven, which is when she moved here. We are

now both seventeen. She has blond hair and bright blue eyes. Luke and her have been dating for a year now.

Luke is very obnoxious but once you get to know him you get used to it. He has brown hair as well as brown eyes. He is

also very tall I would estimate him at about six one six two. It’s funny to see him and Sam kiss she has to go on her tippy

toes and he has to lean down.

“Ok! Tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you. Oh and Mandi remember you have to do the dishes tonight and vacuum

the house.” She said reminding me of my usual chores.

“I won’t forget about my chores and I’m going to the mall with everyone no need for you to go,” Then, seeing the sad,

upset look on her face, I quickly added, “but when I want one, I will be sure to let you know.”

Then her face got all happy. I was happy to see that look on her face. Since my dad left I hadn’t seen it very often.

“Mom! I need money!” Briana said in her normal rudely manner.

“Ok sweetie.”

“Don’t call me sweetie!”

I watched my older sister storm out from the room and rolled my eyes. I don't know how my mother ever puts up with her.

Bri and I aren't the best of friends. I love her and all, but there are days I can't put up with her rudeness and impatience.

She's got sandy, blond hair just like me, but that's where the resemblance ends.

I could hear Bri’s voice coming from the living room and I instantly thought of my dad. Not that they sound alike at all, in

fact they're complete opposites, but that she was the one that would help my parents patch up their relationship when my

parents were fighting, which was about half of their marriage.

“Mom? I'm going out with Jake tonight.” Heather said as she appeared from the basement, where she had been working

out. She is always complaining that she needed more time to work out. Even though she works out for like two hours

every day.

It wasn’t unusual for Heather to go out with Jake, her boyfriend. She was twenty-two now and has given me

advice about boys, since we are really close. She is hoping he proposes one of these days. Not that she tells me, I just

know it.

“Ok. Have fun!” mom said as she handed Briana some money.

My mom, Sherri, is the owner of Laugh’s, a big indoor facility just for kids. She opened it a year after she had my oldest

sister Heather. My parents had just moved to the San Diego area and were looking for a facility for Heather to be able to

be a kid. All they found were places that you had to wear a church outfit. Then a year later Laugh’s was built. It does very

well and has given my mom a job when she desperately needed it. She misses my dad a ton even though she tries to hide

it. I am not easily fooled. She has brownish blond hair like I said before. She is in shape and can be annoying but, I love

her. She is the one who I would talk to about my dad after he left, when I was in denial. She is mad at my dad for leaving us, although she is mad mostly just to try and hide the sadness.

Suddenly my phone buzzed. I looked down and saw a text from Nick.

‘We r still on 4 tonight rite?’

Nick is my boyfriend. He is like a best friend to me he helps me through the good and bad times, like when I

found out my mom was pregnant, and when my dad left even though I told him they just got a divorce. I used to think I

wouldn’t know what I would do without him. Nick and I first met at a party. We were all playing spin the bottle and it

landed on both of us. At that time we were mortal enemies and hated each other. When we kissed, it was love at first kiss. Then he asked me out and I said yes. When we came out of the room we decided not to tell anyone except our best friends. Now everyone knows since our friends can't keep secrets. He has brown hair and has blue eyes. He is very sweet and I could never let him go. His dad died when he was ten and his mom remarried to a guy named John before we started dating. He doesn’t talk about his dad a lot but I know he missed him terribly. I like him very much. If we broke up I would probably miss his laugh the most. It is the one thing I haven’t heard in a while since we went into eleventh grade. It’s all ‘our team is going to lose, our defense sucks,’ blah, blah, blah.

‘Yes.’ I texted him. Our house is awesome! It is a huge, old, stone house and has lots of land in the back and front. It

has four stories and since we bought it from somebody, it has tons of areas Heather, Bri, and mostly my mom don’t know

about. Like the one passage from my room into another, secret room. When I found out about it, it smelled like dead

animals, and now after I redecorated it and sprayed it with ten bottles of vanilla spray, the air smells nice and it looks

great. I use it as my lounge. The only people who know about it are Nick, Rach, Sam, Luke, and Ross. My room is

awesome as well. It has a TV in it and I hung it on the wall from a TV hanger thing along with about a billion posters. I

also have tons of pictures of my friends and a furry, blue comforter and a room phone, the same kind of color and fur as my comforter.

We also have three cats, six dogs, and a rabbit. My pets are Nemo, the rabbit. Selena and Amber my golden retrievers,

and Taylor my orange tabby cat, who acted more as a dog than a cat. We also had two Yorkshire terriers, Milo and

Sandy, two Maltese, Vanessa and Abby, a brown tabby, Eliza, and another orange tabby, Carra.

“Mandi, dear. You father sent you a check do you want me to cash it?”

“Yes, please, mom.”

My dad is in Brazil studying a new plant that may be able to cure cancer. His dad and granddad both had it and died of it

and he had it at age twenty-three, and was cured at age twenty-five. That’s about when he married my mom. About

seven or eight months ago he just packed up and left. I missed him for the first month or two, and then I realized that it

was his decision to leave, I had nothing to do with it; no one did. Sometimes when I'm home alone I watch his TV show

reruns and talk to him like he is actually there and listening to me. I know it sounds stupid but it helps me. Lately my

mom has been trying to spoil us, which started with a credit card and ended with a new wardrobe every week. At first I

was fine with it, now I am annoyed with it. My friends think it's so cool that my mom’s spoiling us after a little divorce,

since I told all of them my parents got a divorce, because all of their parents got a divorce, except Nick. His dad died in a

car crash, and they never got spoiled. I hate not telling them about my dad, but if I don’t, they might treat me

differently, like they felt bad for me and that would just be weird. I was never one that liked people feeling bad for me.

He didn’t know that my mom was pregnant when he left because and she hasn’t told him because, as my mom thinks, it

would make her seem like she was begging him to come back. I personally think it’s stupid not to tell him. Especially

since its not fair for my unborn sibling not to have a father figure. Whether or not he comes back to my mom I just want

my sibling to have a father.

************************************************************************

When I got to the mall Rach, Sam and I went to the shoe store to pick out our graduation day shoes, since we already had

had our outfits picked out.

“We will only be about twenty minutes,” I told the guys. We left them at the food court, which was right beside the shoe

store, figuring they would eat while we shopped. Everyone would be happy.

“I love these. They would look good on you,” I said to Rach, as I held up a pair of clear/white high heels.

“How much longer?” Luke asked.

“Give us ten minutes,” I told him.

“Ten?” He replied shocked.

“If you keep talking it will take longer. Go eat!” I teased him.

“Fine! I am dying to try the Chinese places new chicken.” He said as he left the store and headed to Panda Express.

“Are you sure?” Rach asked me with a questioning look on her face.

“Yeah! Since your outfit and these blend but not exactly.” I said. Considering her dress was red these would look real nice

with the dress.

“Cool, I will buy them.” She said as she picked them up and walked toward the register.

“And Sam?” I asked.

“Yeah?” Sam replied from over at the sneaker section. She was more a tomboy, although I had convinced her to wear a

dress to graduation, I did have to pay her and promise to buy her a new skateboard but it was worth it.

“These would look great on you.” I said as I pointed to a pair of white heels that laced up like sneakers.

“Okay! I will buy them.” She said happy that I picked a pair without a big heal and that had laces.

“Cool,”

“Now let’s check-out and leave before the guys freak.” Rach suggested sarcastically.

“Deal,” Sam and I replied.

After we checked-out, we went out and met the guys.

“Hey,” we all greeted them. Luke and Ross took the bags from Rach and Sam, since they had their bags from the shoe

store. I had found a pair but I needed money and I had left a coupon I had at home.

“Hey.” Nick greeted me, and then kissed me on the cheek.

“What took so long?” Ross teased as he pushed his brown hair out of his blue eyes.

Since we all dated each other at one point in time we are all like best friends. We don’t judge each other and it's cool, we

can be ourselves around each other and not feel self-conscious or nervous. And it is nice to be friends with a guy and get

their point of view on things sometimes. Although when I ask them about a shirt or something they just tell me to ask

Nick so its kind of pointless, but they did help when I couldn’t decide between two things to get Nick for our anniversary.

“We’re girls in a store with credit cards! What do you expect?”

“Good point!”

“I'm so glad it is almost summer. I couldn’t take being in school anymore,” Luke said.

“Me too.” I said as Nick put his arm on my shoulders.

We all went to San Diego Prep. A private school near San Diego Zoo. All of our families except Nicks were wealthier, even

his isn’t that poor they just aren’t as wealthy. Nick got into this school by scholarship, which I think is cool that he didn’t

just get in by paying.

“Now who wants to go get a pretzel and then go see a movie?” Ross asked as we walked toward the movie theater.

“Me,” I said.

“Me too,” Ross agreed.

“Me three,” Nick added.

“Me four,” Sam replied.

“Majority wins then.” Rach said.

Then we started walking to the pretzel stand with Nick’s arm still around my neck.

After we went to see Friday the 13th for the third time since it's been released into movie theaters, my phone vibrated.

‘Mandi you need to come home immediately. I will explain later.

-Heather’

“Nick?” I asked jerking my neck so fast his arm flew off my shoulders.

“Yeah,” He replied moving his arm so it didn’t fling and hit Rach.

“I have to go home. Heather’s orders.”

“Oh, ok see you later.” He said as he gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

“Okay I look forward to it.” I replied.

“I will text you if plans change.” He informed me.

“Deal. Bye. Bye everybody!”

“Bye Mandi,” They all called.

Then I left the mall and got in my Mercedes and headed home.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Random avatar
imawesome Review

I think the desriptions are kind of weird I will admit I suck at like all the layout things but try to include description in the story don't just give it it's own paragraph I'll admit something else I didn't read it all because I got lazy and didn't want to read all that but from what I read it sounds AWESOME :) keep writing

User avatar
theotherone
Review

Hello there. :)

So, first we the nitpicks, and after I'll give you the overall impression, does that work? I shall begin. :)

Rachel, Rach for short, has been my friend since I was little. We are the type of friends that live next door to each other since the day we were born and just became instant friends since our families were friends. She knows all my secrets and is a loyal, trustworthy friend. Rach has long brown hair and blue eyes. When we were little I was jealous of how pretty she was. She has been dating Ross for almost two years now.

Ross is very soft spoken when he wants to be and very loud at other times. When he is against something that is all you hear about for weeks. Eventually you just learn to ignore him when he goes into those phases. He is about five foot nine.

My other friend Samantha, Sam for short, has been my friend since I was seven, which is when she moved here. We are now both seventeen. She has blond hair and bright blue eyes. Luke and her have been dating for a year now.

Luke is very obnoxious but once you get to know him you get used to it. He has brown hair as well as brown eyes. He is also very tall I would estimate him at about six one six two. It’s funny to see him and Sam kiss she has to go on her tippy toes and he has to lean down.

First off, this is a lot of description in one shot. Believe me I like description, but I would rather read it as it goes, when it makes sense for you to tell us how her friends are and what they look like, than just dump it all on us at the same time. Know what I mean?

“Ok! Tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you. Oh#FF0000 ">, and Mandi#FF0000 ">, remember you have to do the dishes tonight and vacuum the house#FF0000 ">,” She said reminding me of my usual chores.


Our house is awesome! It is a huge, old, stone house and has lots of land in the back and front. It
has four stories and since we bought it from somebody, it has tons of areas Heather, Bri, and mostly my mom don’t know about. Like the one passage from my room into another, secret room. When I found out about it, it smelled like dead animals, and now after I redecorated it and sprayed it with ten bottles of vanilla spray, the air smells nice and it looks great. I use it as my lounge. The only people who know about it are Nick, Rach, Sam, Luke, and Ross. My room is awesome as well. It has a TV in it and I hung it on the wall from a TV hanger thing along with about a billion posters. I also have tons of pictures of my friends and a furry, blue comforter and a room phone, the same kind of color and fur as my comforter.

She's texting her boyfriend and then she's talking about her house? Talk about change of subject.

Overall impression... This is a good start. The only thing that bothered me is the flow of your sentences. It's a little bit choppy and sometimes it doesn't follow a natural course of thoughts. Like I said earlier, sometimes you began by saying something and then changed to something totally random. Apart from that, the spacing is a little bit weird, like WickedWonder mentioned before, but it's not a huge deal. You might want to correct that though, if it's not a problem. ;) The rest is good. I like the story, how it goes and all. And I'm looking forward to read more!

Keep writing!

-Other One

User avatar
wonderland
Review

Well, that was tough to read. I'm not sure if it's the spacing here, but your paragraphs are spaced oddly. But its just on you main work, so I'm gonna assume it's the site. But, still, go through it, and you'll see. They cut off in the middle on sentences and such.

Now, as for you plot, I have to say that it sounds sort of cliche. The beginning just seemed like most of the other teenage books I've read.

Keep writing, though
~WickedWonder



What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice