Surprise
Heather and Bri met me at the door when I got home.
“Mandi, Mom’s gone into labor.” Heather said.
“But she isn’t due for another month.” I said with the disbelief obvious in my voice.
“I know. We were waiting for you so we could head to the hospital.
When we got there, Bri and I waited for a couple of hours, since Heather went in with mom to support her while give
birth.
**********************************************************************
Five hours later, Heather came out to join us.
“It’s a girl. Mom named her Anna. She weighs six pounds four ounces and was born at three thirty five p.m. Considering she was born premature she is doing just fine.” Heather said, grinning broadly.
“Cool! I was hoping for a sister. I want to be able to brush her hair when she grows up just like you used to brush mine when I was little.” I said as I looked over at Bri who was texting showing no emotion, what a shock.
“I remember that! You would always beg me to brush your hair and you would be mad once I stopped.” Heather said, grinning.
“How is Mom?” I asked.
“She is fine. She had extensive bleeding so they are helping her now. They just want to be sure because of her age. Anna
is getting checked out right now just to make sure she doesn’t need to be put in the ICU.”
“Oh, well it’s good they are both ok.” I replied, worrying about my mom.
“Smith family?” a young nurse called out.
“Here” Heather said as she stood up.
“Sherri is back in her room. She would like to see you.” the nurse said.
************************************************************************
“Hey.” Mom said sounding a little tired but trying to hide it. It wasn’t until I got closer I could see that she had Anna in
her arms.
“Anna is so cute.” I said as I saw my little sister for the first time. She had bright blue eyes just like me and had my
mom’s sandy hair.
Suddenly a young, well looking doctor entered.
“I need to talk to Sherri. Alone.” He said.
Heather, Bri, and I left the room. We re-entered when the doctor left.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“It’s nothing too serious dears.” Mom said seeing the look of concern on my face. “Heather told you about the
bleeding so I’ll need to stay in the hospital for a week or so.”
“Mandi, I know you are older and I trust you but I still feel the need to ask you. Do you mind staying home? If you want
Samantha or Rachel could spend a few nights or if you want I trust you and Nick to be alone for the night. Just remember
one baby in the house is enough.” My mom said.
“I’ll be staying home alone in my own house soon I will be fine. And I will drive by tomorrow morning to check
on you both.” I said.
“I know. I am just so glad I have such helpful children,” She said as she rocked Anna to sleep in her arms.
“Mandi, no parties! There should be enough food in the fridge to last you until I get home.” she then informed me.
“Mom! I won’t have a party. If you at anytime need me call me ok?” I said.
“Thank you so much.”
“No problem.” I said.
“I have to go make a short call.” I said leaving the room to call Nick.
“Hello?” he answered right as I left the room.
“Oh hey it’s me. Guess what?”
“What?”
“My mom had her baby but they want to keep her for a week longer, and I'm going to stay here for a little
longer. Sorry. But I thought maybe you could come over later and we could have dinner at my house. So I don’t have to
eat crappy hospital food.”
“Sure I wouldn’t let you eat the hospital food. What’s the baby’s name?”
“I didn’t think you would and her name is Anna.”
“No problem, call me when you want me to come over.”
“Thanks. I look forward to it.”
“See you later then. Oh, and my mom told me if you want you could spend the night.”
“Sounds good, see you then.
Suddenly a new nurse came in and told us to leave since our mom needs some sleep.
As we left the room I asked Bri, “So what are you doing tonight since Heather is going out, and you and I will have the house to ourselves.”
“None of your business squirt! All I know is I am not staying home alone with you! Why do you even care about me so much?” Bri said without even looking up from her phone, texting as usual.
“I don’t know. I guess because I love you so much.” I said
Then I called Nick, I told him I was heading home now. So he could come over whenever.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
hey! I realized I had reviewed the first ch. but not the second, so I'm here to review!
#FF00BF ">Grammar:
You have many word mix-ups
I found some links you might want to check out:
topic72629.html
topic71848.html
topic10375.html
post749416.html?hilit=Emotion#p749416
I hope they help
Charecter:
I need some charecter devolpment: what are her weaknesses? strengths? hobbies?
Here are some more links that might help:
topic11917.html (this might help if your struggling with romance
Storyline/Plot:
AWESOME! I can't wait for ch. 3, which I 'm going to review right after this
I hope these helped and I'm sorry I was harsh. You have something really good here! Keep going
~pointe
You have this story in first person but it doesn't seem like you are discribing her feelings at all. It seems like you put this story on fast forward but some detail into but i do like it.
Here to review chapter
Is this the title of the chapter? If not, it serves no purpose being here.
Don't use nicknames. Use full names. For this being the first sentences of your chapter make it exciting, worth reading. Make us want to read the rest of the chapter. Chapter one ended with such a cliff hanger that I would love to see some awesome descritpion and emotion within the first sentence of the second chapter.
Put some description here. Is Heather scared, nervous, mad? Is she biting her nails? Pacing the floor? How does she act while she says this? EMOTION/DESCRIPTION is needed. I know i shouldn't have used all caps, but I feel as though I have to get through to you that your chapters need more description and emotion, pretty please with cherries on top.
How is disbelief obvious in your voice? Are you frozen in place? Is she scared/ nervous? She is the bAby of the family until now, how does she feel?
End this with a period and the other quotation marks. Secondly, if a woman is in labor she isn't going to wait around. In a realistic scernio they would have had Mandi meet them at the hospital.
This scene is incredible too short. show emotion and tons of description. You are telling us everything. show us.
I think this would be a much better chapter if instead of saying five hours later a baby was born, that you describ the actual birthing process sherri went through. How did Heather feel being in the labor room with her mom? Did she think her dad should be there with her mom iunstead of herself? As a reader our imaginations are pretty intact, but we need you as the author to show us somethings. Also, I want to see what Bri and your main character are feeling waiting in the waiting room. Did they want to be in the labor room with their mom? Did they think their dad should be there with their mom? We need details.
Wouldn't they know what time it is? They are just in the waiting, and if she's coming to tell them that the baby has been born I'm guessing she wouldn't wait long enough to have to tell them what time the baby was born.
There should be a comma after said. Also, What a shock, that sarcasum doesn't fit in with the story I don't think. Don't use nicknames unless in dialogue. Is your main character nervous? Because this is such a random thing to say, the whole part about brushing the babys hair. as for saying the Bri isn't showing emotion, neither is your MC, as you write it. We don't know how shes feeling or anything.
There needs to be a comma after hair to make this a complete sentence.
This would be one of the first things I would have asked.
A comma is needed after bleeding so that this is not a run-on.
How worried is she about her mother? Does she bite her nails? play with her hair? Does she have a twitch in her eye?
A comma after said to make this a complete sentence.
“I need to talk to Sherri. Alone.” He said.This should say: I need to talk to Sherri, alone.
As a reader I would have loved to see you play this scene out.
A comma after said so that this isnt a run-on sentence
This sentence is all out of whack. Be careful when you write. re-read it over and over so that you catch all mistakes. Read it out loud even so that you know it makes sense. It should look like this: Mandi, I know you are older; I trust, but I still have to ask, do you mind staying at home alone? (first of all she won't be alone. She has Heather and Brianna, so I don't see why she would need Nick or her friends to stay there.) If you want ask Samantha or Rachel if they could spend a few nights, or you could ask Nick. (Secondly no mother would let her daughters boyfriend stay at their house alone together. be more realistic) I trust you guys. Just remember, one baby in the house is enough. (So, they are sexually active?)
Put a comma instead of a period after fine and lower case And.
comma after said.
She would exclaim this if Anna was asleep in her arms. She would maybe even whisper it so she wouldnt wake up Anna.
She would exclaim mom either. That should be a comma.
when saying I sad you said he said she said always end the dialogue with a comma instead of a period. a comma after said.
A comma after oh.
Once again this sentence wreks havoc! It should look liek this: My mom had her baby, but they want to keep her for a week longer. I'm going to stay here for a little longer. (Why is she apologizing?) Sorry, I thought maybe you could come over later; we could have dinner at my house, so I don't have to eat crappy hospital food.
A comma after sure.
A comma after would.
You are switching tenses again. Stick to one tense. It should be our mom needed some sleep.
Overall: The dialogue seems very stiff, and not realistic. Some parts of this would never happen in actuality, for example a mother would never let their daughter stay at the house alone with their boyfriend. Lots of grammar mistakes, that I think I have pointed out. Also, have you researched on the topic of giving birth, adn premature babies, and excessive bleeding after giving birth? Did you know that sometimes they give blood transfusions when a woman bleeds that much during birth? I think you need to research a little more. sorry for being so harsh, but i want you to take the tips I gave you through chapter one and chapter two and use them in chapter three, so that when you get a review on chapter three iut'll be more on the plot and characters than the lack of emotion description, adn the grammar mistakes.
If you need anything give me a shout out
have a greay day,
Tiffany
Hello there.
There's like no emotions here. Her mom just had a baby for god's sake, she should be happy and... I don't know. Like Wicked said here, it needs a little more description and emotions. The rest is fine, but give us some more substance so we can really feel your MC. That's it! You don't have many mistakes, so good job for that. And I'm looking forward to reading more of this.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Not enough description, or emotion. Really get into what your characters are thinking, and what your characters are feeling. Go through the piece and describe. What does the hospital smell like, how does she feel looking at her new baby sister? Keep asking yourself the main questions, 'why', 'when', 'where', 'who' and 'how'.
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder